Now where do I go from here?
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jun 04 2020
Plant-based meats are very popular now, but this didn't go well for vampires.
Thousands have died from a wooden steak.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 16 2020
Remember when you could go to gas stations and put air in your tires for free? Now itβs $1.75! You know why?
π︎ 252
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︎ Nov 01 2019
And now for some βin-depthβ coverage, letβs go live to our reporter.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 09 2018
My wife and I used to go for walks but, now that she's in a wheelchair,
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 19 2020
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. Theyβre going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 08 2019
The psychic I go to can predict what's going to happen two years from now.
π︎ 273
π
︎ Oct 30 2018
Daughter just asked, "Dad, do you know what you would be if you tried to go to the north pole right now?"
An ice pop.
The dad joke is strong with this 8 year old.
π︎ 43
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︎ Jan 29 2019
Put on a mask, go outside next to a bank, now caress it.
Congratulations you just rub a bank.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 10 2019
My wife told me to go air up my car tires so I got out 75 cents but it turns out its a dollar now
I guess the air compressor market is experiencing a bit of inflation.....
π︎ 3
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︎ May 14 2019
"Iβm pretty tiredβ¦ I think Iβll go home now."
π︎ 238
π
︎ Jan 06 2017
Now that the cat's out of the bag, let's go find him.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 17 2018
Dad: "Go to your room, now!"
Son: "Jim Morrison was overrated!"
Dad: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 14 2019
We used to be able to go to a gas station and pump our tires for free. Now it costs $1.50, you know why?
Inflation
(Actual joke told by my dad today)
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 25 2019
My boss only allows bathroom breaks at designated times, and it is my turn to go now.
I donβt need this shit.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 06 2019
For years I've been doing drugs rather than studying geography, and now I'm gonna go cold tunisia.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 22 2018
After a long trip back home, my mother announced βIf anyone has to go to the restroom, go now.β And I continued:
βOr forever hold your pee!β
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 21 2018
"Daaad, can we please go now? I'm thirsty!"
"***HI THIRSTY, I'M FRIDAY, COME ON OVER SATURDAY AND WE'LL HAVE A SUNDAE!!***"
Come on dad I didn't even get that one until I was like 14.
π︎ 299
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︎ Mar 01 2014
My wife is due with our first baby any time now and she made a poll to have the family guess when she would go into labor. Hilarity ensued.
π︎ 49
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︎ Aug 31 2017
Kids, you better go to the restroom now
or forever hold your pees.
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 13 2017
"Good night, no more games, go to sleep now" I say. "But Daddy..." my daughter says...
"And don't call me Buttdaddy! It's disrespectful!" I reply.
π︎ 118
π
︎ Dec 21 2014
I have a backpack that lets me drink water while I hike. I've been debating returning it, but decided to give it another go. Yesterday I put a new straw in it, and now the straw is completely stuck and the backpack is unusable. I'm definitely returning it now.
It was the straw that broke the CamelBak.
π︎ 24
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︎ Sep 11 2017
Me: Dad, I'm going to go take a shower now.
Dad: Make sure to put it back when you're done.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 30 2017
I use this one every time my wife and I go to the movies. I now gift it to you.
This is my favorite stupid joke to use out at the movies. Every movie. Action, drama, comedy, whatever.
Movie ends. Credits roll. People start getting up.
I turn to my wife and say, "Wanna stick around and see if (character) joins The Avengers?"
It works with everything.
After Moana: "Wanna stick around and see if Maui joins the Avengers?"
After Baby Driver: "Wanna stick around and see if Baby joins the Avengers?"
Even works for villians. Why not?
After Deepwater Horizon: "Wanna stick around and see if the oil joins the Avengers?"
I guarantee you eyerolls aplenty. Use it in good health.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 18 2017
I'm Pretty Tired. I Think I'll Go Home Now.
π︎ 44
π
︎ May 19 2013
Well I'm going to go eat my soup now.
Me: Well I'm going to go eat my soup now
Dad: Make sure you ask what it identifies as first
Me: Why?
Dad: Cause it might be gender fluid
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 02 2017
Voat: The site that the members of /r/fatpeoplehate moved to go to is under a heavy load right now.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 12 2015
I'm now embarrassed to go to Taco Bell
So I was at Taco Bell with my dad and when he handed the cashier the money, he got $5 back in cash
When he further inspected it he saw there was a little bit of it torn off.
So then he approached the cashier and said he only got $4.80 back instead of $5
She held back a groan and asked if he wanted a new $5 bill
I'm now embarrassed to go to Taco Bell
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 14 2014
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. Theyβre going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 05 2019
"My dad got me with this one: 'Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. Theyβre going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.'β
π︎ 27
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︎ Dec 31 2017
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