Why did the germaphobe go away to live by himself?

He wanted to be hermitically sealed.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TopGovtOfficial
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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What kind of house do ninja turtles live in when they go on vacation from living in the sewers and fighting crime?

A cowabungalow

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Zeke_Smith
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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And now for some โ€œin-depthโ€ coverage, letโ€™s go live to our reporter.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2018
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When does Sky News go live?

I dunno, when they air?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/John_Denver1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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NRL player breaks arm live on TV. Host responds by stating "We're going to go to a break" youtube.com/watch?v=4BVjvโ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gmc_doddy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
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My daughter said it would be awesome if we could go see where Robin Hood used to live...

I said, "It Sherwood".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/probabilitydoughnut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
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Due to Pollution and overfishing, many jellyfish go their whole lives

Without meeting a peanutbutterfish

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Twigsnapper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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I'm going to live forever

or die trying.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/justfriendshappens
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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8 months in and I finally got a good dad joke over the weekend.

In the subdivision where I live there are 2 open fields with cows in each one, one of those fields is being turned into a sports complex. My friends were wondering where the cows would go and one of them suggested that they would just have all the cows in one field, to which I replied โ€œwell then it would just be overCOWdedโ€

Thanks guys

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LackingDatSkill
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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Once upon a time there were two little skunks.

Their names were In and Out. They lived in a hollow tree stump with their mother. Sometimes they liked to play inside, and sometimes outside.

One day, In was outside, and Out was inside. Mamma skunk asked Out to go find his brother. So Out went out, to bring In in. A short while later they both came inside. Mamma asked Out how he managed to find his brother so fast.

He smiled and said: "Instinct"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/smoffatt34920
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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Outdad my dad with this one. He messaged me today that our dog ate a packet of corn chips. I replied..

...Soon we are going to have poop corn.

And added that we might have a cereal killer living in our house.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DitMasterGoGo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.

I'm in recovery.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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I was going to write a joke about people who live in the apartment upstairs.

But thatโ€™s another story.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2019
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Live going to my salon
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/duckeee32
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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I go door to door selling herbs for a living

Since it pulls in most of my profits, I tell people that I'm a professional thyme traveller.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FISHunderscore
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 09 2016
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So I brought a tree home for Christmas

My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"

I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_joshi_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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My girlfriend and her younger sisters (21 and 9) were adopted by lesbian parents. I'm going to be the only dad joke source in their lives and it's a big responsibility that I take seriously. Any suggestions are welcomed.

For the youngest siblings recent 9th birthday I put 9 dollars in a block of ice (had to bribe a local butcher shop to let me put a cooler in their freezer, worth it) But I need some long term ideas, because I intend to show this family with a lack of dads the full scope of dad jokes

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MANTHEFUCKUPBRO
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 22 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree.

The guy behind the counter said to my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?".

Dad replied, "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RayInRed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Pulled off a real-life-one, i guess...

Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.

so here goes...

(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)

daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?

me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?

daughter: elizabeth-gramma.

me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?

(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)

daughter: don't know, who?

me: my mum.

(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stgm_at
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Wife got me with a jungle themed joke (Long-ish)

So weโ€™ve got this FisherPrice Projector Mobile thing that projects a rotating imaging onto the ceiling. (Very nice little thing, highly suggest for babies)

Anyways... Weโ€™ve got it set up in the living room and Wife, Son, and I are laying on the ground in the dark watching it go round and round. Itโ€™s Jungle Themed, so a lion, elephant giraffe, tiger, a few monkeys, and so on...

Weโ€™re pointing out the different animals to Son and heโ€™s repeating a few words here and there... When he starts waving and saying โ€œHiโ€ as a new animal rotates in.

So Wife goes, โ€œHere comes the Lion. Can you say Hi to the Lion?โ€

And Son waves and says โ€œHi!โ€ and giggles.

Wife: โ€œAnd thereโ€™s an Elephant! Can you Hi to the Elephant?โ€

Son: โ€œHi... tootsโ€

Wife: โ€œYes! Toots! And hereโ€™s the next animal. Can you wave to the tiger?โ€

Son: โ€œHi!โ€

Wife: โ€œThatโ€™s the โ€˜Hi of the Tigerโ€™โ€

Me: โ€œ... ๐Ÿ’€ ๐Ÿ’€ ๐Ÿ’€โ€

Wife: โ€œYou love me... Look Son! A Zebra!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Desdomen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I canโ€™t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Toydles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Patโ€™s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, โ€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.โ€ Charlie responds, โ€œgo away old man, Iโ€™m better than you ever were.โ€ Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said โ€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.โ€ Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. โ€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So donโ€™t get all cocky and think you are going to win.โ€ Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, โ€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!โ€ Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, โ€œSay that again! Say it again!โ€ The dog says a little confused, โ€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.โ€ Pat says, โ€œCharlie! Itโ€™s a talking dog!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SnappyOrange69
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

โ€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iโ€™d beat lung cancer...โ€

pauses for effect

โ€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.โ€

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iโ€™ll be making matching gifts to St. Judeโ€™s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another โ€˜incurableโ€™ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bilgerat78
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Domestic Skills

When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.

She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie โ€œupโ€

It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, โ€œJust take your Up, vote and go.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Silent--Soliloquy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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At first, I was afraid I was petrified. Kept thinking, I could never live without that post school drop off ride. Bet then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong.

And I grew strong and I learned a schoolless day is just so long. Go on now, go, walk out the door, please go to school now. 'Cause you're not welcome anymore. Weren't you the one, who each school day said goodbye? But now I think I'll crumble? And I'll lay down and die? Oh, no, not I, I will survive Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Perrin-Golden-Eyes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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My son is driving my wife and I crazy.

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child Iโ€™ve ever met. And I donโ€™t mean mentally, he just doesnโ€™t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showersโ€ฆwe had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesnโ€™t go faster. We can feed him and heโ€™ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and heโ€™ll just sit there for longer.

Iโ€™ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he wonโ€™t change. But my wife canโ€™t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

โ€œIโ€™ve had it with him! Iโ€™m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!โ€

โ€œHoney,โ€ I said, โ€œitโ€™ll never work.โ€

โ€œWhy not?!โ€

โ€œBecause you canโ€™t rush Art.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bunselpower
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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My Dad is currently riding his bicycle across America to raise awareness for Colon Cancer...

[and posted a picture of him and his bike on a rest day.] (https://i.imgur.com/IapqomG.png)

Edit: Whoa this is getting popular. I live on the other side of the world, and am about to go to bed, but I am just going to put his [donation page] (http://ccf.convio.net/site/TR?px=3433802&fr_id=1580&pg=personal) at the top of the post if anyone is interested. It is no big deal, but if someone is looking, I thought I'd put it at the top. Either way, you all are going to make his day when I show him how many people appreciated his joke. I just hope this doesn't mean that I have to laugh at all of them from now on...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/travellingby
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
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I was wrestling with my 7 yr old just now and introduced him to "stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself."

I feel that i have passed the tradition down yet another generation. Im going to live forever!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dunderthebarbarian
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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I'm going to live forever.

Or die trying.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Drake15296
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said: โ€œOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/the_houser
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 76
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

โ€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iโ€™d beat lung cancer...โ€

pauses for effect

โ€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.โ€

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iโ€™ll be making matching gifts to St. Judeโ€™s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another โ€˜incurableโ€™ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KoronaSenpai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree...

The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 150
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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