Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
Give me antagonizing Fish puns
I'm looking for fish puns you would annoy the person who's unwillingly going on a fishing trip with you (it's for a fictional project) Would appreciate the help!
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Guy gets pulled over for running a stop sign. He says to the cop “give me a break man, I slowed down.” The cop starts beating on the guy and says...
“So... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?”
It was raining this morning and my wife had to drive right past where I work, so I said 'Will you give me a lift?'
She said 'Have you lost weight? Nice shirt, by the way, and your hair looks fantastic.'
Wife: I look fat, Give me a compliment
Husband: You have perfect eyesight
A guy told me he’d give me $5 if I could tell him two things that hold water. I though for a minute then said....
Dad: This survey says it will give me a free iphone
Son: Don't trust it, it's probably a scam.
Dad: I don't buy it.
My dad was telling me about his doctor’s appointment today. He needed to get some vaccines, but because of Covid he would have to go to the office and they would give them to him in his car.
He said he was going to be involved in a drive by shooting.
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
My doctor bit my neck and tried to give me a hickey.
1 star review for Dr. Acula
My wife asked me to give the cat a bath today while she was at work
My tongue is soo sore right now.
Any time I ask my dad how he learned Braille, he refuses to give me a straight answer.
For him, it’s a touchy subject.
I was trying to give away bread for Shabbat, but all the Jews kept getting mad at me.
All I said was there's no challah cost.
I just called a landscape gardener round to give me a quote for some astroturf..
He said he couldn't do it because my garden is portrait.
I got a contact to make a documentary about shoemakers. They didn't give me enough time to a great job...
...but I manged to cobble something together last minute.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
I told my son if he farted in the car he would have to give me 10$ of his 100$ monthly allowance.
I always get my 10 Per-Scent
Give me some feedback- I'm all b-ears
Every time I buy a dozen bees from the bee keeper , he’ll give me 13
He sure does enjoy giving freebees
Daughter: “Dad, ask me who sings this song. I’ll give you a clue, it starts with the letter ‘S’!
Dad: “First, ask me if I care. I’ll give you a clue, it starts with the letter ‘N’”
I asked a black belt if he could give me some karate advice
Then I realised belts can't talk
Give me music puns!
I bought some guitar picks for my partner's belated bday and I want to have some musical puns engraved on them. I don't know enough about music to do a good job. I need puns that play on musical theory or musical notes, method, whatever... Anything that's more clever than "I pick you", which I think is cute but also underwhelming.
These are guitar picks though, so short and simple are best. NSFW acceptable. PLE ASE HALP!!!
Hey Dad could you give me a hand please?
I already gave you two, so what's the third one for?
Teacher: Give me a sentence using the words defense, defeat and detail.
Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail.
I asked my friend what he was doing with all the cement he bought. He didn't give me a concrete answer.
Let me give you some background here...
Dad, I feel fat and ugly... Give me a compliment...
Dad: You have good eyesight !
My son asked if he could give me a kiss...
"Disgusting! I'm old enough to be your father!"
My girlfriend said she might leave me because I didn't give her sufficient First-Aid assistance when she needed it.
Well, I wouldn't put it plaster
My toddler asked me to give her chicken nuggets a checkup.
After giving all the nuggets a medical exam I realized my toddler was asking for ketchup.
My grandmother was so kind to give me this granola bar
I told my friend to give me a sharpie to write a joke on his face, I threw it away...
he asked why? I said "Your face is a joke"
Give me your cheesiest cheese puns!
For a Halloween party this year, I'm going as Cheesus Christ, the Gouda Shepherd.
That being said, I need to prepare an absolute onslaught of cheese related puns for maximum eye-rolls.
Give me your worst best, Reddit!
I just asked my dad to give me a crash course on the stock market
He said, “Well it’s crashing on course right now.”
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
Tropical fruits give me so much energy...
Guess you could say they make a man-go!
French people give me the crepes ...
Some days I simply can't beret.
A bear walks into a bar and says „Give me a whiskey and... cola.“
Bartender: „Why the big pause?“
Bear: „I‘m not sure... I was born with them.“
I’ll give you a bite of my fish eggs if you give me an bite of your squid ink pasta.
It’ll be a squid pro roe.
Can you give me a wakeup call?
Sure. Your wife's having an affair with your gardener.
It Gives Me No Pleasure to Define Anhedonia.
Today my wife offered to give me a massage after I came home from work.
My boss didnt give me a single weekend off this December
I started with a personal trainer today. She told me to drop and give her 20.
Sheesh, I didn’t know there was going to be hidden fees.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
- literally my dad right now
This butter give me karma
Can someone give me a loan...
Let me give you my exact location. I am
"Hey man can you give me that piece of paper?"
Robber: Give me your wallet!
Dad: Sure, it’s empty anyway!
I went to school for years studying urology and you know what they give me?
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
My wife didn’t believe me when I said that I would give our daughter a silly name.
So I decided to call her Bluff.
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
My old girlfriend came up to me and tried to give me a hug, but was shocked...
Ex-static to see me she was!
Every time I tell a dad joke people give me that “oh god” look thinking it’ll make me stop
Customer- "Give me your dryest wine you've got" Bartender- "Sure mate coming right up"
I had to have my wife's child give me a boost to change a lightbulb
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
All we need to make heat is create a little friction, I'll give you the fric- you give me the -tion
Frick, that's what I like to hear
A rich patient told his doctor that money was no problem: "Please give me some good news." "Okay then," said the physician...
"But I'll have to tell that to your widow."
My wife asked me to give her a ring for her birthday
So I called her to wish her happy birthday
Husband: "I think I'm having a heart attack." Wife: "Ok darling, give me your password to your phone and I'll call an ambulance."
Husband: "Never mind. I'm feeling better!"
Quantum Physics gives me a hadron.
Son: Math sucks so much. My teacher wants me to find the square root of I Don’t Give a Crap.
Dad: Easy! Next time, just tell your teacher I Don’t Give Two Shits.
"Hey can you give me, like, medicine?"
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish always wanting to participate in PDAs...
My friend said “Give me your best dad joke”!
I said “Depends, will you give it back?”
Someone: gimme ur best dad joke. me: Idk, are u gonna give it back?
I didn't think caffeine would give me a sore throat...
... but every time I have it I get coffee.
If life gives me lemons, and I make a lemon battery, then power a lightbulb with it,
Would I be making light of my suffering?
Guys can you give me your best puns about sockets?
People who give me dirty looks when I breastfeed in public need to stop
What I'm doing is natural and it strengthens the bond I have between me and my girlfriend
I asked my personal trainer to give me a discount...
He said I'll try to stretch your money
Please give me makeup advice
I keep a little rug on the passenger seat. It keeps me company while I’m driving and I give it a rub from time to time.
One thing never fails to give me goosebumps.
There's no such thing as a good dilemma. They are by definition bad. Give me one example.
An example of a good dilemma? No problem!
Wife : "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment to cheer me up"
"You have perfect eyesight"
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “can you give me a lift?”
I said “Sure you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it!”
Today my wife offered to give me a full body massage.
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