What does a presidential candidate who cant get his votes up suffer from?
My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:
You must be a Simpson then.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Why don't people in Athens get up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Did you hear about the iguana who couldn't get it up?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out....
Rick Astley rents the movie Up from the rental store, 3 weeks later he gets a call from the rental store employees saying that his rental is 3 weeks overdue, what does Rick Astley say?
Not sure if this fits, but my younger brother came up to me and said "did you know beetles can't get back to their feet if they are on their back"
I'm immediately rolled on my back and started shouting
"Ringo, Paul help I've landed on my back again. Help"
My girlfriend and I broke up at summer camp. We got into an argument over which canoe to get take.
She got in one and I the other. Then we just drifted apart.
Took my iguana Ralph to the vets, he's very lethagic and hardly gets up anymore.
Apparently he has a reptile dysfunction.
Why does the riot police get up so early?
How do you get a deaf person to shut up
Tie their hands behind their back
Who gets jazzed up to dry off people in suits of armor after dark?
My friend used to get so nervous that he peed his pants every time he had to stand up in his third grade class.
Finally he quit his job as a teacher.
I really hope this whole COVID-19 thing gets cleared up before tick season
Because then we’d have corona with Lyme
A white-tail keeps showing up at our house doing tricks, trying to impress us to get food...
My girlfriend gets triggered when I get up and chase the birds away from our backyard every morning.
She says it’s my crow aggression.
I left it late to get a gift for my mum for Mother’s Day. Ended up at a petrol station. I bought her some Lorry Oil...
My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up, it could be worse, you could get stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
Doctor,my back hurts when I get up in the morning.
Then get up in the afternoon.
I was queuing up to get into the supermarket yesterday. Dwayne Johnson was in front of me. Behind me was a fish holding the trolley above his head!
I was between The Rock and a hard Plaice
My wife gets really upset when I get up every morning and chase the birds from the bird feeder.
She calls it my crow aggression.
Why do partcles get exited when we heat something up?
Because it's volume increases
What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
Ah man just a repost from a wrong sub. Lets get to 58 up
I was having an argument with my wife about who should brew the coffee each morning. She said, “YOU should do it because YOU get up first and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
I went full sexist pig, “YOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee.”
She replied coldly, “No, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
I guffawed, “I can’t believe that, show me!”
So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS!”
My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.
I’m tired of his mine games.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
I’m saving up to finally get LASIK on my eyes next year.
I always get uncomfortable when I walk up to the cashier.
They always check me out.
On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...
He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.
Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.
As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.
A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.
When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,
“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”
“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”
Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.
“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"
Why couldn't 8 get back up?
When it fell, it was forever
(my 9 yo stepson made this up) What do you get when you cross a bird with a sith lord?
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline
Mom: I hear that John's business is doing a lot better. How did he manage to get enough people to slow down on that stretch of highway to even notice his store? Dad: Oh, he followed my advice and put up a billboard.
"Nude Colony Ahead, Keep Your Eyes on the Road!"
I called my boss to tell her I couldn’t get the security system to arm as I locked up the office tonight
help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."
If you take up drawing as a mid-life hobby, but you just can't get past tracing...
You may be having an exit-stencil crisis.
Every morning at 3am, I have to get up and go to the bathroom. I guess that’s why they call it the wee hours of the morning.
I had to get up at 4 am the other day to catch the bus. I texted my dad this:
Me: I keep making mistakes at work, but that’s what I get for waking up before the asscrack of dawn.
Dad: I’m sure you’re going to be fine. Take it in stride and improve as you go.
And stop talking about dawn’s asscrack. She may find that offensive.
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
Pixar is releasing a sequel to Up, where the old man gets on a balloon and annoys people.
It’s called Up 2: No good.
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
What do you call it when you get beat up by Steve Jobs?
The phone was ringing for a while and I eventually got up to get it.
"Are you going to answer that call anytime today?" yelled my wife.
"No," I replied. "Probably a simple 'hello' will suffice."
Sometimes I get tyred of normal jokes and make puns instead. They are quick, easy, and don't put you under pressure. Sometimes, they can be very flat. They can be as light as air, or as heavy as steel. All in all, puns really punp me up!
I went in the store to get 6 sprites but in the end i picked 7 up.
Kermit the frog went to the bank to get a mortgage for a new lilypad. He walked up to the desk of loan officer Patricia Whack and placed a small porcelain statue of an angel on her desk asking if she would take it as collateral. "What is that?" she asked...
It's a knick knack, patty whack. Give a frog a loan?
If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.
It will speak volumes to people.
Where is a breast after it gets warmed up?
My student told me “Ducks get up at the quack of dawn.” I corrected him.
Ducks don’t get up. They get down.
A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers "1... 2... 3..." His father said "Hey! What are you doing? Get off of there..."
His son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."
My pet iguana is paralyzed. It doesn't get up anymore.
It has ereptile dysfunction
My wife walked into our bedroom while I was napping and yelled "It's time to leave, get up!"
I said "Sssshh! These are my sleeping quarters" and pointed to some change I had on the bedside table. She was stunned, then she groaned and walked out.
Putting my son to be and he starts jumping in the bed and doing the regular bed time silly business. I get up to walk out and say “I’m going out now”
He replies with “I’m Leo”. 10/10
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
So my son comes up to me the other day and says "Dad you know 2 things that never get old?"
Dark humor and anti-vax kids
A guy signs up for the army and goes to get his equipment after he’s been processed.
When he gets to the place where he’s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him that he just ran out. “If you need to shoot just say ‘BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'” he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next area where he’s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. “If you need to stab someone just go, ‘STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'” he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its way to the front where there’s a battle raging on.
Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, “BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!” Amazingly, the enemy soldier drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, “STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, I’ve become unstoppable.
So when he sees his next foe way off in the distance, he shouts, “BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!” at him. He waits for him to fall, but nothing happens. The guy charges his unfazed adversary next and goes “STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” Again he thinks the man will fall and again nothing happens. “Why wont you drop?” the guy says. The enemy soldier knocks him down and responds, “TANKITY TANK TANKITY TANK!”
A mouse walks up to a watering hole in the jungle and shouts, "Hippo! You get out of the water!"
The hippo gets out and the mouse says, "Fine, you can get back in!"
He shouts at the elephant, "Hey chubby! Get out the water!"
The elephant gets out and the mouse says, "Ok, you can get back in."
The mouse does this to a gorilla, giraffe and rhino as well.
Finally, the lion snaps and roars, "What's your problem mouse!?"
The mouse says, "I wanted to see which one of you stole my trunks!"
Was out in the backyard grilling some burgers for my daughter and her friends but they'd lined up a bunch of dolls to get food too
People get really upset when I run up to them in the street, and try to make plaster casts of their faces.
At least that’s the impression I get.
People get so heated up about whether the milk comes first in tea or cereal
Personally i prefer that the tea comes first, then the milk, and then the cereal.
We're up all night to get Stones...
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
With Father's Day coming up, I figured I'd get a little something y'all
^^SOMETHING Hope you enjoy it!
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
I'm going to get a job as a valet attendant, come dressed up as Spider-Man, and introduce myself as "Peter the Parker"
Today I found out whether headphones would get tangled up in a vacuum.
What do you call a scam where folks who engage in wordplay invite others to engage in wordplay, and folks who were there longer get credit for what the newer folks come up with?
That would be a punzi scheme.
I went to a $15 all-you-can-eat buffet and when I got up to refill my plate, the manager said that I wasn’t allowed to get seconds.
I said, “What happened to ‘all-you-can-eat for $15?’”
The manager said, “That is all you can eat for $15 dollars.”
TIL Subway employees can get fired for mixing up an order just once.
my son told me his back hurts when he gets up in the morning
I told him to get up in the afternoon instead
Going to get a friend named dawn that wakes up at noon.
That way I can say I always wake up before dawn.
my 6yo son asked to use the treadmill. (okay, weirdo) while on it, the dog’s ball rolled underneath. he got off - the treadmill is still on - and STUCK HIS GD HAND UNDERNEATH IT TO GET THE GD BALL. so i clean his skinned up hand and arm, get him calmed down, and ask what lesson we learned tonight...
“never put your hand in a running machine”
signed,
the single mom who may have went too far picking up bio dad’s slack
Why does the riot police get up so early?
Why do Riot Police get up early?
>!They do it to beat the crowds!!<
Why didn't the Athenians like to get up early in the morning?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?
A cold shoulder
Credit to u/Phoenix_Slayer3000
What did the cannibal get when he showed up late for dinner?
What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
