Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't...

Because it was booked.

-My Pops

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mwnobles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2022
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I had a novel idea

I think I'll write a book about it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnFoxpoint
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2022
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Someone has published a bunch of classic dad joke book titles

Stumbled upon these books and thought this would be the spot to share. Here are the titles available:

Rusty Bed Spring by I.P. Knightley

Bubbles in the Bath by Ivor Windybottom

Big Fart by Hugh Jass

Complete Protologist Handbook by Ben Dover

Caulking Made Easy by Phil McKrevis

Series of Books

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrdinaryCredit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2022
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Given what’s going on in the world, I don’t have Great Expectations.

I got the other Dickens’ books though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2022
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(META) How to tell my husband he’s going to be a dad

My husband is notorious for cheesy dad jokes, it’s how he won me over. I’m not pregnant yet, but I am a planner. I want to tell him we’re expecting with a punchline of a dad joke and I even got him his very own β€˜Dad Joke Book’.

What would be a good joke let him know the good news? I want to be able to get him like he’s gotten me over the past few years.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/edwardeyre
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2022
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My daughter (1st grade) asked what she should write her book about. I said...

"Write about a little tree whose roots are in books but was stumped about what to write about. So she branches out and picks up poe-tree".

I personally think I nailed it. She was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xbakesx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2022
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Amazon is no longer a reliable marketplace for books

I ordered the book "How to scam people online" for Christmas and it still hasn't arrived.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boostedit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2022
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Daughters response to my wife's question

Wife: is the book you were reading a paperback or hardcover?

Daughter: it's a paperback, AND a paper front

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Have_A_Chode
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2022
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I made reservations at the library

It was completely booked

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toku-Nation
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2022
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[Meta] PSA your jokes are being stolen

I don’t know how many people know this but there is an Instagram account (dadsaysjokes) that literally copies and pastes the jokes posted here. Even the typos.

They have a book. So if you posted an original joke here someone else is profiting from it.

Ya ya I know this is the internet yadda yadda yadda. I just didn’t know how many people were aware

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghstmnky
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2021
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Prepping to be a good dad

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and settles down to study a book. "What are you reading?" the bartender asks. "It's a guide to learning to speak Russian," the guy replies. "I've been studying hard because I really want to get fluent." "Well good for you. What made you decide to learn Russian?" the bartender asks. "Well the wife and I just adopted a baby from Russia," the guy replies. "And I figure he's going to start talking in about a year, and we just want to be able to understand him."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2022
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My wife cut the bottom off one leg of my jeans so she could use it to save the pages in her novels.

I thought that's a turn up for the books

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dustaknuckz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2022
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Reddit

Said the frog, as the librarian handed him yet another book.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
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It's my wife's birthday. This morning when she woke up, she told me that she dreamt that I got her a diamond necklace for her birthday, and asked if her dream could mean anything. I assured her that she'd find out later today.

She's gonna love the book I bought her about the meaning of dreams.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2022
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Just read a book about beavers

Best dam book I've ever read

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2022
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Here’s a simple rule to follow if you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper.

Just take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2022
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My math teacher was arrested for carrying a protractor, a calculator, and a ruler!

The FBI charged her with weapons of math instruction.

They really threw the book at her…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xIR0NPULSE
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2022
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Making a tea from books

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I had an interesting drink the other day at that cafe down the street," he tells the bartender. "It was a tea made by steeping a book in hot water." "How was it?" the bartender asks. "It was okay, but I probably won't have it again," the guy says. "It was just a novelty."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2022
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I was buying a shelf from Ikea

I was feeling down because I didn't know how to build it, so they gave me a shelf help book

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wheel_of_Bones
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2022
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I am so proud of myself for seeing my name used in a book sold on the shelves.

It's a phone book, but I'm still very proud of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Any_Dress_4382
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2022
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

β€œOf course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

β€œNow I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

β€œDad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

β€œHi Honoured, I'm Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2021
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I couldn’t get a reservation at the library…..

They were fully booked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Terrykrinkle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2022
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A father bear is out with his son, teaching him how to hunt….

…when they come upon a camp with two men, one at a typewriter, the other pursuing a magazine.

Father bear looks to his son and says, β€œSee the man clacking away at the machine? You never eat them. However, the man with his nose in the book would make a perfect meal.”

Curious the son asks β€œWhy?”

β€œWe’ll it’s simple, son. Writers cramp, but readers digest.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cananbaum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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What did you eat that with?

My mum was showing me some pictures of a meal she prepared from a cook book (tuna stuffed peppers for the curious out there).

I asked "what did you eat that with?" and quick as you like, my dad pipes up and says "knife and fork".

You got me dad. Top work!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gingertom92
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2022
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I had a hard time getting into the library

It was fully booked

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2021
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My wife was late returning a book back to the library I worked at.

When she came to the register I asked her, β€œAre you an overdue book? β€˜Cause you have fine written all over you”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FourBloodMoons
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2021
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the library.

What did the chicken ask for at the library?

Book Book

When discussing book club suggestions with her friend the frog what did the frog say?

Reddit

Looking for inspiration the chicken went to the book store staffed by young birds.

Everything was cheap cheap

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2021
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A math book says to a chemistry book...

"I've got a lot of problems."

The chemistry book replies, "and I have solutions."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ex_oh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2021
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Just finished a podiatry textbook

The footnotes... Toe-tally amazing! The author nailed it. I’m head over heels about this book and that’s no small feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrilledSpamSteaks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2021
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Proud moment

Via my 9yo: "Hey dad, what do you call a belt made of watches? A 'waist' of time.'"

An old one but a good one. He seemed to pull that out of the blue which fueled my pride, instead of reading it in a book or hearing it from a show. Lol

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πŸ‘€︎ u/srzame
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2021
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Australian dad joke

In my book group the other day we were talking about overseas travel.

One guy had been to Australia years ago. β€œWhat’s the name of that big rock in the middle of the continent?” he asked. Somebody said, Ayers Rock.

β€œYeah, that’s it.” he said. β€œI climbed it.”

β€œWow, you climbed Ayers Rock?”

β€œYeah, but they don’t let you do that any more.”

I piped right up: β€œClimb-it change.”

Loud groans and shaking heads all around. Dad joke accomplished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2021
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Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on tablets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2021
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Scriptural pickup lines

β€œHey, girls; I was reading the book of Numbers and realized I didn’t have yours!”

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2021
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I went to the bookstore ....

I went to the bookstore and saw a book called;
'How to solve 50% of your problems. '
I bought two.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZimbaZumba
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2021
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What's the fastest way to enjoy a story?

Book it.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2021
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Finally got official notification that the new vacuum cleaner I ordered has arrived in the country.

I need my vax-in-nation certificate to book some flights

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moorda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2021
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Why are libraries so strict?

They follow the rules by the book

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2021
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What would you call a fairytale book with no happy ending?

A Grimm book.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2021
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Never buy online

A disgruntled-looking wizard walks into a bar, flings down a book, and orders a drink. "What's wrong with you?" the bartender asks. "It's this stupid Book of Incantations that I bought online," the wizard mutters. "It's completely useless. The author clearly forgot to run a spell check.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2021
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Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a singer and nearly got arrested for her version of "Closer"

Turns out you shouldn't book a judge for her cover.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PTAwesome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2021
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The last time my family went to church

So me, my mom, my dad, and my sister Annie we're in church and they had just put new book covers on all the bibles. Just those like plasticky slick cellophane ones, nothing fancy. But at one point we were standing there singing one of the hymns and the guy behind us just getting into it, he's a great singer and all but he swung his hand and I guess his palms were sweating because one of those thick old books with the lyrics flew out of his hand and railed my sister in the side of the head. And I leaned over and said "are you okay Annie? You've been struck by a smooth hymnal"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Picker-Rick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2021
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I was reading a cool book about beavers...

It was the best dam book I have ever read.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Halfasianguy78
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2021
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