My drive to work was very funny this morning.

It was full of one-laners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VCEMathsNerd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2022
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"That's what she said" is not a funny punchline. It's old, pathetic and doesn't work!

That's what she said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarcastic-being
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2021
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And if that doesn’t work, try the funny bone!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyeEDEMT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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I heard a really funny joke at our mandatory meeting at work. But when I retell it, no one laughs.

I guess you had to be there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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"On the fridge at work" (from r/funny)
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
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Every day at work I write something silly on the dry erase paint 'whiteboard' by my desk and this is today's contribution. [x-post from r/funny]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skinnymatters
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2012
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While I was away at college, my dad decided to wear my old Halloween costume to work [x-post from r/funny]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErroneousSloth
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
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Birds these days…
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Due_Method_1396
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2022
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After many failed relationships, I started dating a woman in a wheelchair.

She hasn’t walked out on me yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLovelornFool
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2022
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A comedian is in the hospital after breaking his funny bone.

Doctors say his condition is serious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RemnantReturning
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2022
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Writing an essay about how trauma is β€œcontagious” (AKA about transgenerational trauma) Give me a clever/funny article title!

My professor named one of her essay’s β€œthe missionary position” on a topic about missionary work so…don’t hold back

ps: if u need more details on the article (or ab what trans generational trauma is) lmk bc it’s written already

EDIT: thank you for the ideas- y’all are too funny

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2022
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You hear about the Binary Code contest?

Zero won.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2022
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My father went to a funny farm where he said the many people working had helped him keep his wits about him.

He had a good mental faculty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2021
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Advice to my daughter went bad

first im not sure where to post this story but this is true and ive been cracking up ever since my daughter told me that happened.

So my daughter is 23 now. When she was 18 & im dropping her off at college, i told her that "anytime a guy approachs you and youre not in the mood to be hit on just tell the guy you have herpes or whatever and hopefully he'll stop & go away, if he doesnt...then, well ya know...you leave as safely as u can." i thought it was harmless kinda funny advice. So last night, when she's picking up her dog (cause i said id puppysit while she went to the football game), I said something to the effect of the dog needing a slow feed bowl and she rolled her eyes and told me shes not taking advice from me after the "herpe talk". i said "what? what herpe talk?" and she reminded me of that advice i offered when she was an 18 year old college freshmen and then told me thats why she doesnt have a bf. i chuckled and started asking, "have u ever said that? what happened? how many times have you told a guy that?" she continued to tell me that she went to a few frat/soriety get togethers with her girlfriends and maybe used that line 6-7 times. i lost it laughing and said "you know those 6-7 guys told at least 3-4 people each and so on." she goes "No shit Dad. because of you i cant find a date cause everyone thinks i have herpes." anyways, i thought this was too funny to not share, plus it worked cause i get to puppysit versus grandbabysit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChadlikesMilfs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2022
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How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2022
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/damienbarrett
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2022
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Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toppers_tips
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2022
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😨
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrinceTaj97
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2022
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You've been hit by
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mordrathe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2022
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Works better with the picture but still very funny
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnlyIcy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Okay, I guess I'll post this. I was pretty stoned so my apologies if it is super dumb. Requested by another user after the Pringle one.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanyStormborn87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2022
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My wife and I were in bed the other day. I leaned over and whispered, β€œTalk dirty to me.”

She said: β€œThe dishes need to be washed, the laundry needs to be done, the toilet needs to be scrubbed…”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/investorsexchange
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2022
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What was Tasha Yars' favorite job?

Data Entry

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SydneyCartonLived
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2022
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Need appropriate puns

Context: I work at a supermarket in the fruit and vegetable section and my co-worker who does the online order fufilment thing and I have have started a little "pun war", and I need some approriate puns that would tickle her funny bone immensly, All puns and even dad jokes are fair game.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Badditor90
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2022
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A Burgler stole my letter

Now I am left with a burger πŸ”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Character_Owl6473
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2022
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Dogs and old tech

I work at a veterinary hospital.

We had to give booster shots to a dog today, specifically a Doberman Pinscher.

I noted that we were "updating a dobie."

Many groans were had.

I thought it was funny. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Lofi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2022
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A couple of one liners, dad jokes, and anti-jokes I got from my stepdad.

1.) A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, β€˜Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

2.) I use mucho with my Spanish friends.... it means a lot to them.

3.) Q. Why does Michael J Fox make the finest milkshakes? A. He uses the finest ingredients

4.) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

5.) People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

6.) Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

7.) I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

8.) Q. What’s brown and sticky? A. A stick

9.) Q. What’s slippery and a foot long A. A slipper

I’ve got more but I don’t want this post to be too long so I’ll leave it at that. If I get enough upvotes I’ll call up my stepdad for more. Let me know which are you’re favourites.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yogurt-Sandurz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2021
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This is just a story of WHEN I told a dad joke

I’m not a very witty person, but a bartender was taking a cup to dish and she was like, β€œomg everybody look at this drink! Doesn’t it look so good?” (sarcastically) And it was whatever alcohol was in it and a juul pod package inside the cup

And I was like, β€œomg it’s a mint juulep” and everybody laughed even the owner of the company who was there. Felt very good.

I want it to be clear of how slow minded I am. It’s so bad that I will stop mid-sentence because I can’t come up with the right word. So for a joke to hit so well I just gotta thank you guys for encouraging me to make puns and be that funny guy at work❀️

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2021
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Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/35mmPirate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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XD
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ser_ranserotto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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All the dad jokes that have made me laugh/breath out my nose since I had my firstborn at the start of 2021

Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.

Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.

It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck

If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car

How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit

What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka

What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places

I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope βœ‰

Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid

Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze

If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS

Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in

Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee

Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee

Pig black belt in karate Pork chop

How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.

You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.

I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out

What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant

did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?

What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn

What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio

What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe

Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.

My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief

Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop

Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krowvin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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A piece of candy got stuck in my dad's throat at a family Halloween party.

He's OK now, but he made some funny faces and gagging noises while working it out. A few people were disgusted by the sounds, but a few of the kids were laughing at grandpa dancing around making funny noises.

That's just how it is with dad chokes: some people laugh and some people groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schwanne
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2021
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in

He must have been working from home

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaggieMcB
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2022
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How is working at McDonald’s like being an archaeologist in Athens?

Either way, you end up smelling like ancient grease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourOverLordisME
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2022
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I asked a windmill "what's your favourite type of music?"

He said "I'm a big metal fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2022
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We were so poor, every Christmas Eve my old man would go outside and shoot his gun,

then come in and tell us kids Santa Claus had committed suicide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YZXFILE
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2022
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What do you call a fat psychic?

A 4-chin teller

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bear_bear-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2022
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I asked my son what he got me for Father’s Day…

He said nothing since I was supposed to get him something on Sunday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocky970
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
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abortion jokes are never funny. Not that they're bad...

...they just never deliver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glosili
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2022
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Boss texts me: β€œSend me one of your funny jokes!” I reply: β€œI’m busy working. I’ll send one later.”

Boss texts me: β€œThat’s hilarious, send me another one!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pgtart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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how do you make a handkerchief dance?

You put a little boogie in it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Number1aOkGuy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2022
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Guys I have this really funny joke about construction but I’m still working on it.

Hahahahahdshshdishsdhh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brxven
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
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Clown Wanted.

Must be available to work funny hours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2022
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A pun I told to a co-worker

My brain is so aligned towards punning, I do it automatically when I'm talking to people. Usually I get eye rolls. One time I asked a girl I worked with, who I had always been friends with, if she could give me a hand with something

She said "give me a sec"

I said "take all the secs you want" (now try saying that out loud)

It was a crowded room, and she looked at me like I'd grown antlers or something, and I froze on the spot in embarrassment

Anyway, thought you might find that funny

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2021
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Joke from the radio

So my dad came home yesterday from work and said I heard a hilarious joke on the radio. My mom and I braced ourselves as the jokes my dad think are funny are usually not and painfully so. He tells the joke that he ate a bunch of alphabet soup and now he had to have a vowel movement

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingchan2017
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2021
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Dad Tells Time With His Hat

My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.

He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.

And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.

My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fredzred
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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