Funny Weekday Puns

So I got to ethereal diamond this week playing a lot and customizing three decks. The most expensive deck I have right now per market valuations, is I believe the one at 0.0138 ETH (~ $43.85 USD).

Well thanks to the normal Weekdays vs Weekend Ranked differences in decks/MMR, I'm definitely queueing up against Mythic players for my weekend ranked. Against decks with values such as 1.3328 ETH (~ $4235 USD).

Let's just say I'm getting owned by these Mythic dudes with 3k USD decks. But for real it shows that I wasn't really at that level/rank of play this last week if the MMR was more normalized. Getting destroyed did help put me back at a more normal MMR for my current decks, so there is that... And I sure learned a lot about the current good decks/meta. Cards and builds that I want to go for now, etc.

So which do you prefer?

View Poll

At Wallkill: I was home one afternoon when a neighbor came in with an ice pack. He said a temp worker from Texas dropped a roll of wire on his head from the story above on a construction project. Jammed up his neck pretty badly. Being from Texas, I asked the name of the guy. Turns out, I knew him.

We met up and he was distraught. He wasn’t in a headspace to process the level of dysfunction he was observing at Bethel. The project was severely mismanaged and unqualified personnel were doing critical tasks in the foundation of the building. He couldn’t understand how God would allow things to operate so poorly and in such an unskilled way.

I was PIMI at the time. I talked this “low value” temp worker off the ledge. Within the next 10 years he became an Elder, Circuit Overseer, and last I heard was being groomed to be a District Overseer. Funny how you can go from losing your faith to a Standard of faith in such a short time. Also funny, how the thing that makes you question your faith is seeing the organization up close for two weeks.

Don, sorry about your neck. Jason, sorry I didn’t let you wake up when you felt it happening.

I should’ve never talked him down. We should have packed up that night and left together.

So I matched with this woman on Bumble, with a good sense of humour (extremely rare to find in my area). For a change, she didn't start with a "hi" or a "hey", had actually read my bio, and was really funny.

Things were going quite well, she had a good taste in subreddits and actually introduced me to Latvian jokes and r/TIFU (she asked me whether I had heard of the TIFU story of a guy who had a fight with his GFs family by pretending to have never heard of potatoes. I searched for the post, read the whole thing, and then replied no. So she sent me the link to the post and I told her that I was hoping that she would tell me the whole story herself and I'd pretend that I had not heard that story ever in my life, and that if she found that I f***ed up and had actually read the post earlier, she would find a very relatable post on r/TIFU).

Things were good till here, and so I thought that I should ask her for her number. But a simple "would you mind sharing your number with me" would be too boring.

So instead, silly me typed "Hey, this seems to be going well. It seems like we're at a stage where you can share your mother's maiden name, pet's name, and the last 4 digits of your debit card number." I was hoping she'd say no, and then I'd tell her "well, your number would do just fine".

But instead, 10 mins later, I got unmatched. So here it is, my post, as promised.

Edit: Wow, I didn't expect this post to get so many upvotes and awards, this is crazy! Thank you people, you're the best!

It has been less than 24 hours since I posted this, I'd probably wait till the weekend (if she's like me, she probably doesn't get a lot of time on weekdays).

Having written this, I've also gone through as many comments as I could, and I've accepted that it was probably for the best. But what I lost on Bumble, I found on Reddit from you guys. You guys have made my week! If I find her on Reddit, she'll know who wanted to connect with her for that extended car warranty. wink

TL ; DR

I jokingly texted like a scammer on Bumble with a good match and got unmatched instantly, but I got so much love from Reddit that I'm over the loss

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

I started dating an older guy from Tinder and something just isn’t right. I haven’t been to his house and he’s very vague about his living situation. He always says I live with my “cousin”. His cousin can’t always be home ? Does he not work ? We supposedly live in the same area/city so I asked near what store and street name.

He told me the store, but said “Oh I can’t remember the street name”.... and switched the conversation. So basically from all this I think he’s married or has someone. He recently bought up sex and even went as far as saying he’ll pay for a hotel/motel. I immediately declined. I live with parents so he knows not to ask to come over my place. I don’t really knows what’s going on. He NEVER talks about this cousin. But I guess it’s my fault I should ask more questions, but I feel when I do it’s very vague. I hear more from him on the weekdays while he’s at work than weekends when he’s off.

He works construction 7-5 apparently. I don’t hear from him after 8-9. He says because he falls asleep.

He love bombs a lot even though we barley have been associated. I never NOT had a guy try to bring/invite me to his place. I’m not too deep in yet, we’ve only been meeting for almost 2 months.

Am I tripping lol or onto something ?

Edit: Well guess my intuition was right. Now I just have to find out what to do. Thanks guys And I’m guessing this wife or significant other is there all day or maybe he even has kids ?

Edit: I asked him again and this time he said his cousin’s WIFE lives there too and is always home. Then he said you don’t have to worry baby we will get our own house IM DONE. He didn’t tell me that at first. Well now it makes me thinks he’s definitely married and it’s really HIS WIFE. This is funny ! He actually thinks I believe him.

*Long post written by my partner, u/markfromsleepout - posting on his behalf*

About one year post nearly being hospitalized for lack of sleep I'm posting about my experience with severe insomnia because I am hoping it might be helpful to someone else on here suffering through the same thing.

TLDR: I've always had problems sleeping. 2020 was the catalyst for a bout of insomnia that was so severe for me I did not think I would keep my sanity. I ended up buying almost every sleep aid or product imaginable - nothing worked. CBT-I from a clinical psychologist got me out of my spiral and back to some kind of normalcy.

My story

I have memories of struggling with sleep as early as five years old. My mom (single parent) would regularly have trouble putting me to bed. I was a sleep-environment-sensitive kid. I often had repetitive or stressful thoughts in bed about the next day at school, homework, or issues with other kids (god only knows what I was worried about).

I remember my mom trying different techniques including playing classical music in my room to help me fall asleep easier. We would have anything and everything taped up against my bedroom windows to block light (blankets, garbage bags, jeans, and tin foil). We would sleep without heat in the winter to keep me cold.I was more sensitive to sleep issues than other kids (I was always that kid that could not fall asleep at sleepovers).

Funny enough, I think I inherited my sleep problems from my mom. She was a night shift nurse who struggled with getting enough sleep due to a brutal schedule and would nap regularly during the day.As a young adult (12–15), I developed into a night owl.

I remember middle school and high school being hell for me. I would often be up until at least 1 am if not later each night so 730am was never kind. I did not think anything was wrong other than that I constantly needed to chase sleep on the weekends. I would pass on morning weekend events and got less involved with sports that required waking up early.I had some issues in university, but I was able to skirt around them without changing because of my freedom to determine my class schedule. I picked all afternoon and night classes each semester.

My insomnia diagnosis came into play and things got tougher after university. I entered the workforce for the first time. Like everyone else, my schedule and freedom became rigid and uncompromising. My work as a lawyer in a big city started to take its toll on me. I bo

Do your worst!

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Raw

Translation

The raws + quick translations will be typed here after the raws are released.

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Translator(s):

Tierra

TL check:

Jester

Typing helper:

Avisenna

------------------------translations start below this line ------------------------------

[] = sura speech

() = thoughts

- Maruna looking at Rao, who closes one button of his shirt -

(M:) 멀리서 얼핏 보였을 땐

그 인간인 줄 알고 놀랐는데...

When I looked at him from afar,

I was surprised, and thought it was 'that human' (leez?)...(Yes he was reminded of Leez)

When I looked at him from afar,

I was surprised, thinking it was 'that human'...

가까이서 보니까

머리색도 좀 다르고...

Looking at him up close,

his hair color is a bit different...

몸은 완전히 다르다.

and his body is completely different.

그래도 얼굴은 정말 닮았어.

우연이라고는 보기 힘들 만큼...

However, his face is really similar.

It's hard to say that this is just a coincidence...

- Rao smirks at him -

Rao: 왜? 내가 그렇게

잘생겼냐?

What is it? Am I that handsome?

sfx: grin

M: .....

- Rao laughing at his expression -

Rao: 웃기지? 아난타족

최신유행 농담이래

Isn't it funny? It's a joke trending in the Ananta Clan

(바스키한테 속음)

(fooled by Vasuki)

//정말 잘생긴 사람은

못하는 농담~

A joke that those who really are handsome can't make~

(M:) 잘못 생각했군. 얼굴도 다른 것 같다.

그 인간은 저런 식으로 웃지 않아.

I thought wrong. The face also looks different.

'That human' wouldn't laugh like that.

- Maruna turns away from Rao -

- Rao is persistent, tho -

Rao: 이렇게 만난 것도 인연인데

통성명이나 할까

Since we met like this, shouldn't we introduce ourselves?

(m:) 난 말 못해

들러붙지 마

I can't talk, don't stick to me

Rao: 난 '라오'라고 해.

'라오 리즈'.

I'm 'Rao'.

'Rao Leez'.

sfx: 흠칫

startle

- Maruna freezes, then looks at Rao again -

Rao: 들어 본 이름이야?

Have you heard of this name before?

하긴 내가 아난타한테

끌려 다니면서

After all, I often get dragged along by Ananta

//수라도에서 사고 친 게

여러 번이라...

and quite some things happened in the sura realm...

and have caused some incidents in the sura realm...

Ananta: 그건 좀 더

미래야, 라오.

That's a bit further into the future, Rao.

아직 이 시점에선

일어나지 않은 일인걸.

It hasn't happened yet at this point in time.

Rao: 아, 그 그런가?

하하...

Ah, is that so?

Haha...

너랑 다니다보면

자꾸 헷갈려. 시간

개념이 무뎌져서...

Every time I go with you, I keep getting confused.

My concept of time has become dull...

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

They’re on standbi

BamBOO!

Stupid question, but were you ever told to be quiet when you weren’t talking? What was the setting you were in??

For me, it was during my recent trip to Kyoto. I was walking through the streets of Gion (geisha district) midday on a normal weekday.

An older Japanese woman started following me around and kept shushing me even though I wasn’t talking to anyone. I stopped for a second to think about what she was referring to. Then it clicked.

The problem? I was waking with my suitcase along the brick(?) pavement and let’s just say that my suitcase wasn’t silent.

To show respect, I started to literally carry my suitcase off the ground while walking in Gion until I arrived to my desired cafe…only to see 5 minutes later a Japanese lady freely rolling her suitcase as she walked lol.

I didn’t really mind, but I thought it was funny.

Did y’all have a similar experience??

Pilot on me!!

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

When I got home, they were still there.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

This is really hard for me to write, and pretty long, so please be kind. You guys normally are, but my anxiety is telling me you might turn on me like a pack of wolves or something.

I'm pretty proud of my progress through sobriety, especially over the last few days. Up until about Wednesday it took an enormous amount of willpower to move past the guilt and depression that typically hits about mid-day. But I've been making slow, steady, incremental improvements and things are getting easier. The meds are still taking a little work to get the timing right but me and psych are working on it.

I'm lucky, my work has a generous leave program and I'm blessed with family and solid friends nearby to help with the kids and give me some space. I've told everyone in my close circle and they've all been really, really kind and supportive.

My wife has been my best friend since my freshman year of college. We lived a super awesome carefree lifestyle. Lots of keggers, field parties, whole apartment block parties, drinking games, concerts, the whole stereotypical Van Wilder shebang. I told her everything, she told me everything, it was a total perfect fit then and I think it still is now.

Deep late night world changing drunk conversations with friends who the next day had no fucking clue they were even at my house that night. I was that guy too, I drank beer like a motherfucker and had a 'Frank the Tank' reputation for it, all while I regularly jammed various fun stuff up my nose. Never my wife, always booze for her.

Anyway. We grow up and out of college town life (and me my nose based party favors) and move back to my hometown and pop out these little blonde miracles and get us a fine mortgage and credit card debt and the whole fucking suburban package. All of this while binge drinking every weekend and once or twice on weekdays. (Those of you with kids, please give me a little grace, I know how fucked up it is. I'm almost crying writing this).

Then some of our friends get sober and disappear from the back porch, then others get too extreme and disappear, one drank himself to death but I'll be goddamned if me and the Mrs. kept the tradition alive and partied like we were back in college.

It was thoroughly depressing how many empty Miller Lite boxes there were in our garage. I had to break them down and take them out for recycling in shifts so the neighbors wouldn't find out. The cans had to go in yard bags there were so many.

My wife... never admitted out