Funny Prosecco Puns

Hi everyone, I’m back with an update to my previous post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s2zj3z/aita_for_telling_my_sister_to_stop_using_nonsense/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

As I said before, Este and I feel incredibly vindicated by the judgment and the comments in general, as we are always being told by our mum not to be hard on poor Alana. It’s got to the point where we don’t rip into her like we do each other, which is a shame as we are English and our primary love language is insults and sarcasm.

Anyway, I digress. I got my chance to confront Alana on Saturday evening, when Alana and my mum came over for another round of Jackbox and Alana asked me if I liked her new “Jump.” I replied “your what?” and she levelled me with a slightly smug, unblinking stare. My mum jumps in and tells me “she means her jumper,” and Alana interrupts her, saying “She knows what I mean, I can say ‘Jump’ if I like.” Clearly she had decided to double down, but I had my Reddit voices in my ear and I was prepared.

I asked her to stop talking in nonsense words, and she told me that it’s a thing that ‘all millennials’ do, and I needed to ‘get over it,’ and said that I do it too, and gave ‘prosec’ as an example (Prosecco).

I disagreed, then told her that I’d been Googling it (translation: I’ve asked a bunch of Redditors) and that it had made me wonder if she was doing it as a reaction to no longer being the youngest in the family. She was VERY affronted by this, telling me she had been doing it way longer than the arrival of the kids. I said that she had been doing it much more recently- my mum AGREED WITH ME! Alana looked LIVID at this and kept spluttering that it wasn’t the case.

I then said that in my Google (Reddit) research I’d read that it could be a comfort for anxiety and asked her if this is what it was: she seemed very annoyed about my trying to diagnose her or make it into an issue. (IMO she was trying to be cute and funny and I was ruining it with my concern for her well-being.) She told me that I was very weird for thinking it’s a big deal and for Googling it, and I said I was doing this because she’s far too old to be talking like a yoda baby. I then said that if it wasn’t a reaction to anxiety, could she please stop, because it annoys me a lot and I don’t want to be annoyed when I hang out with her. (Full props to Reddit for my phrasing here.) She stared at me in silence for a good 20 seconds. I could see her

This one is pretty long and has updates in multiple subreddits. I did some minor editing for clarity.

OOP is u/paperweightfairy

MOOD: >!blood-boiling entitlement and toxic family, but with a happy ending!<

This story was deemed fake by some, but I didn't get that vibe honestly, so I thought I would share it. OOP hasn't posted anything in a couple of years by now.

I'm NOT OP!

Edited to add: I had missed the second update and I have now added it to the post, thanks to the redditor who pointed it out to me.

OOP first posted in AITA and relationship_advice (both posts removed).

My fiancee and i have been together for 8 years and engaged for 3 .So what we did is book our dream venue 3 years in advance. it is really a beautiful venue. the only slot we got was September of this year.

My sister got engaged a few months ago to her fiancee. They were planing on having a spring wedding next year . My sister got pregnant . I was really exited to be an aunt.Yesterday our parents invited us and our SO`s to a family bbq, where my sister announced to our extended families that she is expecting . Everyone was so happy for her and my BIL ( who is a great guy).My Nan asked my sister of the wedding was still on the set date or if they were going to wait, because the baby will still be very very young at the set date. She said no that she hoped to move it to September.NBD.

Nan was happy and asked sister if she needed help planing such a short notice wedding . My sister then turns around and said"Thats what i wanted to talk to you about. I was really really hoping we could kinda like take your venue ? I really can not stress myself too much with planing a wedding while going to maternity classes. And i think it is so beautiful! It would really mean a lot to me".it went silent. But everyone was looking at me expecting me to say "yes of course everything for my little sister !"My BIL looked very uncomfortable and told her that they had talked about this and that it was not okay to put me on the spot . But my sister just said " Don`t be like that! My sister wants to do whats best for me so its no big deal right?"I just said " well it kind of is. I don't know . I have my heart really set on the venue"

Que the crying. She stormed off and my N

I found it in a charity shop - turns out the card selections in charity shops are nicer than supermarkets or the local card shop.

Does anybody really want a birthday card that insults them? Why are all cards for women about Prosecco?

When I went home for Christmas, I attended a surprise party planned for my brother's 29th birthday. He's a big drinker, but I don't think he classifies as having any kind of problem. He drinks heavily at clubs and suffers greatly the morning afterwards, but where he could then stop fairly effortlessly, if I did the same, I wouldn't feel the urge to stop. I would feel the urge to continue.

So I'm at the party, he's arriving soon, and we're filling up glasses. This was in December, and I'm four months sober. Someone hands me a glass filled with prosecco and I laugh, put it down fairly effortlessly, and go to get a lemonade from the bar. Public drinking, beer or wine, don't feel like triggers to me. My only vice is drinking straight vodka, alone.

My parents, who probably suffered the fallout of my alcoholism the most, ask if this sobriety thing is meant to be forever. And I'm like, I hope? I'll try? But what a strange question - if I said I didn't like drinking coffee because it gave me a headache, nobody would ask me if the "not drinking coffee" thing was forever. But whatever, it's a harmless question.

So my brother shows up, he is delighted and jovial. We have a quick catch up, I tell him everything is going very well - I say I'm a little more than four months sober. And this man turns to me, and says, "That's all?"

I ask him what that's supposed to mean? This is the longest I've been sober in a long time. He said I'd mentioned needing to quit alcohol over a year ago now, and he thought I'd be nearing a year sober, and it's only been four months. I said, I'm an alcoholic, I've relapsed a handful of times. Four months ago was my last relapse. He shrugged, but later in the conversation, he realised I'd been drinking lemonade, and said, "can't you even have one?"

Obviously, my feelings are hurt. I'm a sensitive person, and numbing my overwhelming emotions is what brought me to alcoholism in the first place. I speak to my folks, they say he just doesn't understand, but that doesn't soothe me in any way. I find out pretty quickly why he's making insensitive comments - he showed up to this party tipsy, and since arriving has been taking shots. Before the cake is cut he's hammered - videos are recorded of him being quite drunk and weird around me, and it's very funny. When those videos are sent into the group chat, he says he doesn't even remember it. The fact that he can't remember doesn't phase him.

If I had been in his position, I would have been absolu

Second charter off training, I have a 10 guest full day booking. I work as chef/first mate on a luxury day sail catamaran. We pick up our guests from St. John dock, and my 3rd guest I help onto the boat is Ben. I almost pee myself.

After we get off the dock and do the safety spiel, my captain comes down and goes “hey that one dude looks familiar….”

YEAH. He sure fucking does. Ben. The yacht chef. Below Deck. I just poured him the cheap shitty Prosecco we had on board and put out shamefully cut fruit and Pillsbury crescent rolls.

Cap: “oh yeah it IS him! and they bought the full lunch upgrade so you gotta cook for him right? …..well, good luck kid……”

I made a veggie board, fish tacos, salsa, fresh guacamole, and ceviche. Ben came into the galley and was chatting while I prepped, so awkwardly I go “you know, you look a lot like this really cute chef from this show about yachting….”

To which he responds: “DAH-LING I totally AM that chef.” He then proceeded to stick his hands into my ceviche to help me toss it in the citrus while continuing to chat about work, life, etc. I actually took the bowl from him and told him he was going to give me a complex. Wanders away with my humiliating Prosecco.

Serve all the food, dishes collected, the guests are happy and said it was delicious. I go on deck to pull in boat toys and release mooring lines and come back down to galley to find Ben DOING THE FUCKING DISHES. I had to chase the man out.

TL;DR, Ben was just as he is on the show, funny, adorable, and obviously a great tipper

https://www.reddit.com/r/Images/comments/qncig9/ben_from_below_deck_best_charter_guest_ever/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

https://preview.redd.it/oy1y7asmn6b81.png?width=960&format=png&auto=webp&s=260cefbcfa09a90cf12ea5fc0ccbad477f545351

So the Winter season begins and Pure Wonder was the first to be released as the core scent to kick things off. It came out pretty early compared to the Winter sets to come up which was the same time that Gingham Heart of Gold released. So I didn't want to make a picture just for that so I just kind of put them together.

Packaging: Pure Wonder has a pretty interesting bottle with indentations in it that kind of look like a snowflake almost. Beyond that though it's pretty basic, but I like the soft pink. As GHoG, it's kind of like a golden Gingham basically...looks more like an Autumn thing to me.

Scents:

• Pure Wonder (Iced Rose, Star Jasmine, Warm White Amber) - Even though Winter scents still feel kind of new to me, this being the oldest, I've totally forgotten about it. Originally released as a test scent back in 2020, it seemed to get pushed as a core scent and it's definitely got its own unique smell to it. Like I still think it smells a little like dryer sheets, but the star jasmine is the main player here while the rose is adding a sense of champagne-yness to it. I kind of like it, but also can give me a little of a headache if too much is sprayed.
• Gingham Heart of Gold (Crisp Golden Apple, Creamy Vanilla Bean, Warm Sandalwood) - Being as the Christmas special for Gingham, this kind of doesn't smell like it all. Like it's more vanilla and apple and it makes sense with the scent notes. I tend to enjoy the scent whenever I need it around for something, but I think in the grand scheme of things, it's not the most memorable of them.

Overall: (7/10) - I think the first two scents of the season are pretty decent, if not ultimately forgotten by the remaining scents of the year to be honest. I mean Pure Wonder was pushed pretty heavily for a while, but it's not the most intriguing scent for me...though the dryer sheets vibe I can get behind. As for Gingham Heart of Gold, it smells and looks like an Autumn scent more than holidays.

https://preview.redd.it/kibh3jsur6b81.png?width=960&format=png&auto=webp&s=0c512a2929f09018b8201782c55f51d57eb715db

Interestingly enough, when the Christmas scents did roll out, they actually had a set primarily for scents that always seem to come back in these times; Winter Candy Apple & Vanilla Bean Noel (for whatever reason, Twisted Pepp

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

Do your worst!

How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Mathematical puns makes me number

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.

They were cooked in Greece.

He lost May

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

And now I’m cannelloni

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

And boy are my arms legs.

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

Put it on my bill

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

They’re on standbi

BamBOO!

A play on words.

Calcium, nickel, neon

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors”

Nothing, he was gladiator.

ORIGINAL by u/AITAThrow_sisteract

Really need Reddit for this one as I genuinely don’t know if ITA. Throwaway as my sister has Reddit. All fake names.

My (34F) sister (27F) Alana has always been somewhat infantile, but in the last year she’s stepped up her game in the category of nonsense baby talk. She was seeing a guy last year who I think liked it, which might be why, but it’s literally every second sentence, and it’s driving me nuts.

Some examples- she’s arrived at my house and asked if she could put some “yoose in the froooj”, turned out she wanted to put juice in my fridge.

On seeing my six month old crying she loudly said “oh no, don’t creeee!”

And she’s asked if we have any “eece in the friz”- ice in the freezer.

You get the idea. It’s endless, and very annoying. My older sister (35F) Este and I have chosen to combat this by pretending we don’t know what she means until she says it correctly. My mum does nothing about it as Alana is the youngest and always babied a bit- mum has even translated the baby talk for me and Este when we are pretending we don’t understand.

Anyway. Yesterday Alana was at my house for my birthday, and the baby talk was dialled up to 100. We had a giant cookie for a cake and later in the evening Alana handed my husband a plate and requested a “sleece of the cake of cooks” (a slice of cookie cake). This was too much for me, and I told her to stop with the made up words. She replied “but it’s cute!” I informed her it was not cute and asked her to cut it out. She refused and told me “I can do whatever I want and nobody can tell me what to do,” or something along those lines to which my mum agreed.

I then said that she had to make sure not to use the nonsense words in front of my 6 month old as I wanted her learning the right words (which was really just an excuse to stop her from doing it). Alana pointed out that Este uses made up words with her 2 year old- Este says “tummer” instead of tummy, but that’s the only one she could think of. I said that what Este does with her daughter is irrelevant because I’m the one asking Alana to stop. (That bit might not be relevant but I’m adding for full transparency.)

When my husband reappeared with the cake I refused to let Alana have it until she asked for it properly. She gave me a death glare but did ask properl

Sorry for any mistakes, no native speaker!

So this is has been going on for YEARS. Christmas has been one of the few times where I (25F) see all of my family, since we all live pretty far appar,so it is always a pretty big deal. My parents are divorced, so we celebrate with my mum and dad seperately. My dad only ever invites family, my mum always invites friends or friends of friends, which does bother me a little bit (I am a massive introvert).

So my sister (28F) and my mother (53F) are a lot alike, I come more after my dad. My mother also prefers my sister over me, always telling strangers how amazing she is. It also didn't help growing up hearing people, strangers and family, tell me why I can't be more like my sister. I resent my mother for that,no matter how hard I tried to prove myself and be better than my sister she never cared.

So my sister and I don't get along so well, since she also tries to boss me around and want me to do her chores. She also called me stupid for not being able to open the door of her car, when I wanted to get the drinks out of her trunk. The lock was clearly frozen and even her husband had trouble opening it when he came home. Mind you, I already carried like 12 bottles of prosecco, 15 bottles of whine and two sixpacks of beer up to the third floor from my mums car, while she made sandwiches.

I never lost a word about these instances, I normally keep my anger to myself, but I was pretty pissed at that point. In the evening we did secret santa. I got cookies that where off for already 3 months, which I didn't know, but she knew. My sister thought this was really funny and she wanted to tell me in front of everyone, but I shut her down. Well she made a huge scene in front of everyone, why I wouldn't let her tell me "something funny". I saw how even her best friend, also a guest, was pretty uncomftable, and so I told my sister that I would not discuss it with her anymore, since she clearly didn't respect my boundaries. She yelled at me for being childish and after we said goodbye to everyone and asked my mum if I could help with clean up, which she denied, I went to bed.

Hearing my sister sobbing in the kitchen and ranting to my mum made me even more angry, since my mum said she didn't want to deal with our drama and that was why she didn't intervene. I heared my sister and her husband fight afterwards, since he also was pretty annoyed with her that evening.

Since now every Christmas has been some kind of drama and now

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.