Today is my birthday. Today I'm also 23 days sober. 23 years ago I was 23-years-old and well on my way to becoming a really good alcoholic. 23 years ago my best friend got married to the lovely woman to whom he's still married.
23 years ago I was in a bar on the night of the rehearsal dinner, and all through the night I had a drink in each hand. My best friend's soon-to-be brother-in-law made sure everyone who was invited was having an amazing time. A real night to remember. I never took out my wallet and I never set down a drink. I was 23. It was my best friend's wedding weekend. It was a fun and bleary night.
Fast forward to some point in the early hours of that morning. I'm hammered beyond all recognition and I've no clue how I got back to the hotel. I'm sharing a suite with my parents because they're also attending the wedding and I haven't seen my parents in months. I pass out in my bed in my room of the hotel suite. I miraculously wake up at some point because I have to pee like a horse. I probably have a gallon of beer and who knows what other kinds of booze rolling around in my bladder. But you see, I wake up in what I think is my apartment. While I'm disoriented, I'm able to get my legs underneath me and make my way to the bathroom to open the floodgates.
So I start peeing. I'm shifting weight from leg to leg in an attempt to not fall over. I'm sure my eyes are closed, or one is barely open so I can kind of gauge which way is up.
I feel the warm splatters on my feet and quickly realize that I must've swayed and missed the toilet a bit. I try to correct my aim. Things aren't getting any better. There's no longer the sound of the splatter of pee hitting the water in the toilet. So I take a step to the side. Then another. And another. Then some more steps. I'm still peeing this entire time while I'm stumbling around trying to find the toilet by means of uninary sonar.
I "come to" and realize that I've been side-stepping the permitter of my parents' hotel suite kitchen while peeing all over the floor, the refrigerator, the stove, and the cabinets. And it's a lot of pee. I mean, a lot. It's hours and hours and hours worth of double-fisted beers I'd been drinking all night.
I muster the mental clarity to clean my own beer urine with an entire roll of paper towels while in the dark in an unfamiliar hotel suite kitchen. And once I'm done with my impeccable clean-up job, I dispose of the beer- and piss-soaked paper towels in the kitchen trash can.
T
... keep reading on reddit ➡I guess the concept didn't work
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB
Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"
I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual
So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes
r/unclejokes for dirty jokes
r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC
r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes
Punchline !
Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub
Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat
Do your worst!
How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.
But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.
They were cooked in Greece.
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
He lost May
Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
And now I’m cannelloni
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges
And boy are my arms legs.
Put it on my bill
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
They’re on standbi
A play on words.
Calcium, nickel, neon
They just don’t work!
[removed]
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Pilot on me!!
Nothing, he was gladiator.
The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors”
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
Or would that be too forward thinking?
