A friend offered to sell me their TV for five bucks but said the volume dial was broken.

I couldn't turn it down.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Twiglet91
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
It took a lot of balls for my friend to go on the Reality TV show called โ€œEmbarrassing Bodies.โ€

Three, to be exact.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Last night, me and my friend watched 3 DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the tv.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 65
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/christmasbush
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My friend Theodore really likes to watch Japanese TV shows made from moving drawings.

He's Anime Ted.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ridley_Himself
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I have a friend who works in TV

Me: How does she fit?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jakeypoo1234
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My friend said a TV show is growing on him...

I asked if he needed it removed

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bttech05
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My friend has a problem with his tv's speaker system, and he just couldn't understand my interest in the problem.

Me: What's the problem with it?

Friend: It echoes!

Me: It echoes!

Friend: Yeah, it just doesn't stop echoing.

Me: Echoing.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LiamIsMailBackwards
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"That was so baaaad, Dad"

I remembered a good Dad joke moment.

My wife and I had picked up our daughter and two of her friends. They were in the back of our minivan.

My wife inquired about one of the kids mothers that she was friends with since we hadn't seen them in a while. They moved because of work to another town.

I guess the job was going well and they were making a good deal of money. The kid said, "She doing good, but she's spending a lot of money. She remodeled the kitchen and bought 4K TVs."

They kept chatting lightly and when there was a lull in conversation, I quietly said, "That's a lot of TVs." Just loud enough for everyone to hear but not loud enough to really demand anyone listen.

But then it happened. An uncomfortable pause - the fabled pregnant pause - and they started talking again. No one said anything about it but I knew it landed.

After we dropped the kids off, the first thing my daughter said, "That was SO bad. "

This was at LEAST 10 minutes after I said it. She had been thinking about that joke the whole time. She said the other kids were like looking around like WTF?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 35
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/loosebag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 34
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 40
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Just happened. An awkward silence followed until it finally clicked.

Friend: watching TV show called Sunday "I wonder when Sunday ends."

Me: "11:59 I think."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 734
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SpaceLeopard
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 07 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

โ€ฆ u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Skormes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Renovation puns

so my mothers friend andy is helping her install a new TV, and this string of puns resulted:

ME: thanks for helping out around here, nice to have an ANDY-man

ANDY: oh that was a good one

BROTHER: i Don't know, i thought the delivery was kinda WOODEN

ME: wow, thanks for HAMMERING that home, pesonally i think i NAILED it, so SCREW you

BROTHER: will you just CONTRACT aids already (edgy ik)

ME: oh come on, i don't think you're being very CONSTRUCTIVE

BROTHER: i'm sorry, feeling a little PLASTERED right now.

Both of us: burst out laughing

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QLMMaster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This wasn't even intentional

Me and my friends are sitting around the TV and listening listening to you get what you give by the Maine.

My one friend points to me and my other buddy, jim, and asks "didn't U2 do a cover of this?"

To which I reply "no I've never sang with Jim"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JimCareyFromTheMask
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Hubby got me during a Netflix binge...

Hubby: We should put the TV on the floor.

Me: Why?

Hubby: So you can watch Friends in low places!

He was so proud...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zombiejuliet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
TV adverts are playing when...

TV Advert: "For just two dollars a month you could feed a Syrian child for a year..."

Dad: "That's it! We're moving to Syria!!"

(Note: A friend told me this one but his dad did actually say the joke)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 58
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Georgeasaurusrex
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad joked my friend last night

We were watching tv at his house and wanted to change the channel, but we couldn't find the remote for the cable box. The only remote we found was for the tv, which was on a table.

Conversation went:

Friend: "Anyone know where the cable remote is?"

Other friend: "No. There should be one remote that does everything. We have too many remotes."

Me: "Well, right now we only have one many remotes."

Everyone in the room starts shaking their heads.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JanitorOfSanDiego
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Old man got me today while visiting

We were watching TV and a reminder add pops up that it is Alzheimer month and to check your family and friends.

He looks up and says, "Oh, I forgot that was this month"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/brunnor
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Failure.

I was headed to my kitchen with some friends whem my dad was watching TV in the living room beside the kitchen, watching television. I was talking about 'your mom' jokes with my friends, and one of them said "but you always set yourself up!" I ask,

"For what?"

When I hear from the living room,

"For failure!"

When all of the sudden, my friends burst out laughing and my dad literally was crying from laughter.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kameronb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 11 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
first dadjoke for me in English

writing on FB with a Brazilian friend of mine

She: "Oh the next match is on. I just don't really know where it is."

Me:"It's on the TV" I could hear the groan all the way here to Europe

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hitno
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 18 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
New nose

Told to me by my friend a few years ago...

My friend's family was watching a TV show where one of the characters gets a nose job, then breaks up with her boyfriend to date a more attractive man.

Friend's Dad: "Looks like she has better pickings now that she has her nose done nicely. Haha - better pickings!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/estoy_trabajando
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.