I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
What do you call karate for amputees?
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 29 2020
what do you call someone who sells themselves for spaghetti?
π︎ 63
π
︎ Jul 20 2020
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know βtubaβ is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Edit: good lord, I didnβt know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Apr 30 2020
If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son,
I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jul 12 2020
Before he passed away, my grandfather said, βHere are three words that would help open a lot of doors for you.β
π︎ 5k
π
︎ May 11 2020
Man, 2020 is rough. But I have a little bit of hope for you.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jul 13 2020
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 04 2020
Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"
My response: "144? That's a gross"
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 16 2020
What does your monitor tell you when you punch it for losing a game?
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jul 17 2020
When I bought my friend an elephant for their room, they said thank you. I answered...
βDonβt mention it.β
π︎ 32
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?
π︎ 71
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jul 10 2020
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of threeβ¦"
"β¦ UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
π︎ 289
π
︎ May 27 2020
Just in case you were looking for a pun
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know thereβs no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
π︎ 35
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
If you're looking for sense these days, don't bother.
There is a national coin shortage, after all.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 20 2020
What person can shoot somebody, then frame you for being there?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 18 2020
What do you call someone who sells their body for Wendyβs ice cream?
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jul 20 2020
The password is βyou need to buy a drink firstβ for people who donβt get it
π︎ 90
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
What do you call a fortune teller that provides his services for free?
π︎ 43
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
What do you call a dinosaur who you can rely on for synonyms?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 13 2020
Youβve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 13 2020
What do you call a pub thatβs famous for its murders?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
Kansas airlines wonβt let you use baggage claim for unruly children
Guess Iβll have to carry on my wayward son.
(Not mine, saw on Facebook)
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jul 12 2020
An actual dad joke for you purists in /new
My wife just now, relaxing after we got the kids to sleep: Do we have any toast?
Me: No, but we have bread!
Wife: π *silence*
Me: I'll just see myself out. *laughing all the way to the pantry*
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
What do you give a cannibal who's late for dinner
π︎ 181
π
︎ May 26 2020
Saw a guy standing outside for hours yesterday. I asked βAre you okay?β He said...
βYeah, Iβm outstanding.β
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
π︎ 168
π
︎ Jun 01 2020
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
π︎ 211
π
︎ May 19 2020
If you ask for a high five while holding up both hands and they hit both...
Slap them and say "Here's your change"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
The waiter approached me as I finished eating and asked, βyou wanna box for those leftovers?β
I replied, βNo, I hate violence. May I just pay for it with my card?β
π︎ 73
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
Did you know that it's impossible for a nose to be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 14 2020
What do you call when a chef steals a recipe for ravioli?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 03 2020
Did you hear about the man selling dead birds for $4000
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Did you hear about the bag of sugar that was caught illegally crossing the road for the second time that day?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
What do you call it when Apple forces children in China to work for minimum wage?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 21 2020
Are you the one who signed up for the pee drinking club because if so urine
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
βPoor old fool.β thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought heβd humor the old man and asked, βSo how many have you caught today?β
The old man replied, βYouβre the eighth.β
π︎ 136
π
︎ May 19 2020
What is one thing you canβt stand having? For me, itβs a wheelchair
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 23 2020
Thank you God for providing me and my family with these instant noodles for supper.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
What is it called when you spend an hour in the bookstore browsing for German philosophers?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
If you're looking for a lead singer for your wham cover band
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 10 2020
Heres a bit of advice for you all
π︎ 674
π
︎ Apr 14 2020
What do you use to call for help while on a boat?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
How do you kindly ask for a cops help?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
When you wait for the waiter, you become the waiter
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jun 07 2020
I went for a job interview today, he asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience in a nutshell?"
I said, "I've never had a job working in a nutshell."
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jun 01 2020
Did you hear Henry Winkler was arrested for a financial scam?
He was running a "Fonzi Scheme."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
What do you call a crumb, that you've mistaken for an apostrophe?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
Why can't you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
π︎ 60
π
︎ Jun 01 2020
How do you request for rented peas?
By saying "Pea-Lease"
(Thats if they rent peas)
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
If Dodge made electric cars, you might need a charger for your Charger.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
I have a question for you all
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jun 08 2020
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...
" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
Did you know that Matthew McConaughey helped design the delivery route software for UPS?
Thereβs no left turns so itβs alright alright alright.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
How do you know when it is time for cows to go to sleep?
When itβs pasture bedtime.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"
I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 06 2020
Have you heard the Lego store is open for the first time since the COVID shutdown?
They're lining up for blocks.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jun 07 2020
Man looks everywhere for his colourful tie when his wife tells him "I'm afraid you can't wear it anymore". "Why?"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 06 2020
In times like these, laughter is essential. I don't have much, but for the ever vigilant mod team and you, the subscribers of /r/DadJokes, please allow me to offer this open letter...
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 12 2020
Honey, Iβve got something to tell you and for once Iβm not full of crap
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
Dad said to me "Do you ever go into a room and forget what you went in there for?"
Great dad, undistinguished fireman.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
βIβm arresting you for illegally downloading Wikipedia!β
βWait! I can explain everything!β
π︎ 63
π
︎ May 10 2020
I've got a double joke for you
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To see the idiot.
...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The chicken.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
Mom: "Why did you read our son a naughty story for bedtime?"
Dad: "The one about the giant and the magic beans?"
Mom: "Yes."
Dad: "Whats wrong with 'Jackin the Beanstalk'?
Mom:"......."
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 18 2020
What do you call a security guard for a trampoline?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
Hereβs a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
π︎ 53
π
︎ May 12 2020
Ah! You fell for one of the classic blunders!
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 28 2020
Why did you keep working for mail service when everyone was isolating?
It's not the money, it's about the message.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
In honor of my father for Fatherβs Day, Iβm going to tack you back to the 1990βs. This is rural southern America please read in southern accent.
Me: Daddy Iβm thirsty!
My dad: Hi thirsty Iβm Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.
Iβm sure itβs not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 17 2020
What do you call a clan for chickens?
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 26 2020
What do you call a skin doctor for silly dogs?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 17 2020
What is it called when you change a bike's tires for the very last time?
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 31 2020
What would you do for a gay bar?
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 16 2020
Why doesnβt Golden Retrievers catch the balls you throw for them?
Theyβre only retrievers.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 13 2020
I asked my fisherman friend, βHow much money do you make for your catch?β
He said, βI donβt discuss my .....net worth.β
π︎ 39
π
︎ May 11 2020
What do you call it when a woman trades sex for a tattoo?
π︎ 25
π
︎ May 02 2020
Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position. But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
π︎ 55
π
︎ Apr 12 2020
What do you call a girl who is thirsty for water?
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 29 2020
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, βSir, would you care for a drink?β
I asked her, βwhat are my options?β
She said, βyes or no.β
π︎ 72
π
︎ May 08 2020
This year my dad is celebrating his birthday for half a minute. Why you may ask?
Itβs his 32nd birthday.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
Do you guys know about that dumb "Sore Us" marathon for charity?
You're supposed to run until you can't anymore or something like that...? I was thinking of trying one out but honestly I don't know how good I'd do I'm an awful runner...
My friend Tyrell tried one last year and said it was the hardest thing he'd ever done...
I still can't believe Tyrannosaurus
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 11 2020
Courtesy of Have I Got News For You.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Apr 23 2020
[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims?
They use foreskin to replace them. Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 17 2020
What do you call searching for snipers in Fortnite? Hunting Rifles.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 08 2020
Havenβt seen many Minecraft puns on here, so hereβs one for you guys
π︎ 148
π
︎ Feb 10 2020
For those of you stuck at home
π︎ 30
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
Sorry Iβm late for cinco de Mayo. What do you call churros that have sat out on your counter all day?
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 08 2020
I mistook a statue for the person you told me to meet at the park.
After a while, I realized it wasnβt the monument.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 02 2020
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
Cop: Iβm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Nov 20 2019
A waiter once asked me: βDo you wanna box for your leftovers?β
I said: βNo, but Iβll wrestle you for them!β
π︎ 360
π
︎ Feb 23 2020
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