I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call karate for amputees?

Partial Arts

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faiz_Clan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
what do you call someone who sells themselves for spaghetti?

a PASTA-tute

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uhdontaskme
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know β€œtuba” is also an acronym?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coolhandhutch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son,

I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/illumi_nazi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Before he passed away, my grandfather said, β€œHere are three words that would help open a lot of doors for you.”

Push and Pull.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Man, 2020 is rough. But I have a little bit of hope for you.

h

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emrakull
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?

A bae-blade.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SquigglesMcJiggly
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"

My response: "144? That's a gross"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What does your monitor tell you when you punch it for losing a game?

That hertz!

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M1shuTheOne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
When I bought my friend an elephant for their room, they said thank you. I answered...

β€œDon’t mention it.”

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?

Church

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."

I told him, "well, this time, you should."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…"

"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.

πŸ‘︎ 289
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Just in case you were looking for a pun
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeppycaleb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're looking for sense these days, don't bother.

There is a national coin shortage, after all.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stevethepirate89
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What person can shoot somebody, then frame you for being there?

A photographer

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BustyNinja69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who sells their body for Wendy’s ice cream?

A frosty-tute

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skatefishjam69420
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The password is β€œyou need to buy a drink first” for people who don’t get it
πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fortune teller that provides his services for free?

A not-for-prophet

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thesabermaniac
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dinosaur who you can rely on for synonyms?

A thesaurus

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/t3mperance-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pub that’s famous for its murders?

A crowbar.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/katonce
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Kansas airlines won’t let you use baggage claim for unruly children

Guess I’ll have to carry on my wayward son.

(Not mine, saw on Facebook)

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kilmarnock228
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
An actual dad joke for you purists in /new

My wife just now, relaxing after we got the kids to sleep: Do we have any toast?

Me: No, but we have bread!

Wife: 😐 *silence*

Me: I'll just see myself out. *laughing all the way to the pantry*

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blindsight
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you give a cannibal who's late for dinner

The cold shoulder

πŸ‘︎ 181
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Saw a guy standing outside for hours yesterday. I asked β€œAre you okay?” He said...

β€œYeah, I’m outstanding.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?

A barbecue

πŸ‘︎ 168
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faiz_Clan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call cocaine for your butt?

Ass Crack

πŸ‘︎ 211
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/T1M3Tim
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ask for a high five while holding up both hands and they hit both...

Slap them and say "Here's your change"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Carpe_Noctum42
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The waiter approached me as I finished eating and asked, β€œyou wanna box for those leftovers?”

I replied, β€œNo, I hate violence. May I just pay for it with my card?”

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/absolriven
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that it's impossible for a nose to be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MathiasaurusRex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call when a chef steals a recipe for ravioli?

A copy pasta

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yoav-bam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man selling dead birds for $4000

Not going cheep

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jdollard333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the bag of sugar that was caught illegally crossing the road for the second time that day?

It was refined.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when Apple forces children in China to work for minimum wage?

iMoral

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zak-Ive-Reddit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Are you the one who signed up for the pee drinking club because if so urine
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cartman8764
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œPoor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, β€œSo how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, β€œYou’re the eighth.”

πŸ‘︎ 136
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What is one thing you can’t stand having? For me, it’s a wheelchair
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/violent-reeee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Thank you God for providing me and my family with these instant noodles for supper.

Ramen.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiscoPotato69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What is it called when you spend an hour in the bookstore browsing for German philosophers?

A Schopenhauer.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HudsonSlaby
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're looking for a lead singer for your wham cover band

I'm your man

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Heres a bit of advice for you all

Advi

πŸ‘︎ 674
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brosthetic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you use to call for help while on a boat?

A sail phone

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you kindly ask for a cops help?

Say police

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JFK_Head
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
When you wait for the waiter, you become the waiter
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MarshmelloFan135
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I went for a job interview today, he asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience in a nutshell?"

I said, "I've never had a job working in a nutshell."

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear Henry Winkler was arrested for a financial scam?

He was running a "Fonzi Scheme."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GetEquipped
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a crumb, that you've mistaken for an apostrophe?

An impostrophe

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyberfunk_Groove
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?

Because it's a Joint effort

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dadushka008
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you request for rented peas?

By saying "Pea-Lease"

(Thats if they rent peas)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Badjuju_Gamer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If Dodge made electric cars, you might need a charger for your Charger.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MinFootspace
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a question for you all

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgetthemango
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...

" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Matthew McConaughey helped design the delivery route software for UPS?

There’s no left turns so it’s alright alright alright.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you know when it is time for cows to go to sleep?

When it’s pasture bedtime.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/engineerwho_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"

I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the Lego store is open for the first time since the COVID shutdown?

They're lining up for blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nectar23
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Man looks everywhere for his colourful tie when his wife tells him "I'm afraid you can't wear it anymore". "Why?"

Tie died.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dinzll
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
In times like these, laughter is essential. I don't have much, but for the ever vigilant mod team and you, the subscribers of /r/DadJokes, please allow me to offer this open letter...

C

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Honey, I’ve got something to tell you and for once I’m not full of crap

I just took a giant dump

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tjmaxal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad said to me "Do you ever go into a room and forget what you went in there for?"

Great dad, undistinguished fireman.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
β€˜I’m arresting you for illegally downloading Wikipedia!’

β€˜Wait! I can explain everything!’

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedzuuzaaa
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I've got a double joke for you

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why?

To see the idiot.

...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The chicken.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LikeThosePenguins
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Mom: "Why did you read our son a naughty story for bedtime?"

Dad: "The one about the giant and the magic beans?"

Mom: "Yes."

Dad: "Whats wrong with 'Jackin the Beanstalk'?

Mom:"......."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jakiray6
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a security guard for a trampoline?

A bouncer

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chonqme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.

Then he turned into a driveway.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fadedmaroon
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Ah! You fell for one of the classic blunders!
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JDogg323
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did you keep working for mail service when everyone was isolating?

It's not the money, it's about the message.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slcikdeaaal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
In honor of my father for Father’s Day, I’m going to tack you back to the 1990’s. This is rural southern America please read in southern accent.

Me: Daddy I’m thirsty!

My dad: Hi thirsty I’m Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.

I’m sure it’s not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kayl6
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a clan for chickens?

Coo clucks clan

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a skin doctor for silly dogs?

A Derpatologist

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Im_Destro
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What is it called when you change a bike's tires for the very last time?

Retired

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RickC-249
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What would you do for a gay bar?
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DubstepNerd
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why doesn’t Golden Retrievers catch the balls you throw for them?

They’re only retrievers.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderAlex2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my fisherman friend, β€œHow much money do you make for your catch?”

He said, β€œI don’t discuss my .....net worth.”

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a woman trades sex for a tattoo?

Tit-for-Tatt

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Malak77
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position. But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?

More geese on that side.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gamerspoon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a girl who is thirsty for water?

An H2Hoe

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chandan_2294
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, β€œSir, would you care for a drink?”

I asked her, β€œwhat are my options?”

She said, β€œyes or no.”

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMikeD1
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
This year my dad is celebrating his birthday for half a minute. Why you may ask?

It’s his 32nd birthday.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you guys know about that dumb "Sore Us" marathon for charity?

You're supposed to run until you can't anymore or something like that...? I was thinking of trying one out but honestly I don't know how good I'd do I'm an awful runner...

My friend Tyrell tried one last year and said it was the hardest thing he'd ever done...

I still can't believe Tyrannosaurus

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DracoREXXX
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Courtesy of Have I Got News For You.
πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chick3nwin9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims?

They use foreskin to replace them. Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/noapostrophe555
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call searching for snipers in Fortnite? Hunting Rifles.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SkelTheMaster
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Haven’t seen many Minecraft puns on here, so here’s one for you guys
πŸ‘︎ 148
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr10blu3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
For those of you stuck at home
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PM-_-ME
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Sorry I’m late for cinco de Mayo. What do you call churros that have sat out on your counter all day?

Room tempera-churros.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Discount_Dracula
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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I mistook a statue for the person you told me to meet at the park.

After a while, I realized it wasn’t the monument.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.

Man: Wait. I can explain everything!

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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A waiter once asked me: β€œDo you wanna box for your leftovers?”

I said: β€œNo, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”

πŸ‘︎ 360
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YeetusTheFetusYT
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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