I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What do you call karate for amputees?
what do you call someone who sells themselves for spaghetti?
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.
If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son,
I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one
Before he passed away, my grandfather said, “Here are three words that would help open a lot of doors for you.”
Man, 2020 is rough. But I have a little bit of hope for you.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"
My response: "144? That's a gross"
What does your monitor tell you when you punch it for losing a game?
When I bought my friend an elephant for their room, they said thank you. I answered...
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…"
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
Just in case you were looking for a pun
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
If you're looking for sense these days, don't bother.
There is a national coin shortage, after all.
What person can shoot somebody, then frame you for being there?
What do you call someone who sells their body for Wendy’s ice cream?
The password is “you need to buy a drink first” for people who don’t get it
What do you call a fortune teller that provides his services for free?
What do you call a dinosaur who you can rely on for synonyms?
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....
What do you call a pub that’s famous for its murders?
Kansas airlines won’t let you use baggage claim for unruly children
Guess I’ll have to carry on my wayward son.
(Not mine, saw on Facebook)
An actual dad joke for you purists in /new
My wife just now, relaxing after we got the kids to sleep: Do we have any toast?
Me: No, but we have bread!
Wife: 😐 *silence*
Me: I'll just see myself out. *laughing all the way to the pantry*
What do you give a cannibal who's late for dinner
Saw a guy standing outside for hours yesterday. I asked “Are you okay?” He said...
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
If you ask for a high five while holding up both hands and they hit both...
Slap them and say "Here's your change"
The waiter approached me as I finished eating and asked, “you wanna box for those leftovers?”
I replied, “No, I hate violence. May I just pay for it with my card?”
Did you know that it's impossible for a nose to be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
What do you call when a chef steals a recipe for ravioli?
Did you hear about the man selling dead birds for $4000
Did you hear about the bag of sugar that was caught illegally crossing the road for the second time that day?
What do you call it when Apple forces children in China to work for minimum wage?
Are you the one who signed up for the pee drinking club because if so urine
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
What is one thing you can’t stand having? For me, it’s a wheelchair
Thank you God for providing me and my family with these instant noodles for supper.
What is it called when you spend an hour in the bookstore browsing for German philosophers?
If you're looking for a lead singer for your wham cover band
Heres a bit of advice for you all
What do you use to call for help while on a boat?
How do you kindly ask for a cops help?
When you wait for the waiter, you become the waiter
I went for a job interview today, he asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience in a nutshell?"
I said, "I've never had a job working in a nutshell."
Did you hear Henry Winkler was arrested for a financial scam?
He was running a "Fonzi Scheme."
What do you call a crumb, that you've mistaken for an apostrophe?
Why can't you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
How do you request for rented peas?
By saying "Pea-Lease"
(Thats if they rent peas)
If Dodge made electric cars, you might need a charger for your Charger.
I have a question for you all
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...
" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "
Did you know that Matthew McConaughey helped design the delivery route software for UPS?
There’s no left turns so it’s alright alright alright.
How do you know when it is time for cows to go to sleep?
When it’s pasture bedtime.
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"
I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"
Have you heard the Lego store is open for the first time since the COVID shutdown?
They're lining up for blocks.
Man looks everywhere for his colourful tie when his wife tells him "I'm afraid you can't wear it anymore". "Why?"
In times like these, laughter is essential. I don't have much, but for the ever vigilant mod team and you, the subscribers of /r/DadJokes, please allow me to offer this open letter...
Honey, I’ve got something to tell you and for once I’m not full of crap
Dad said to me "Do you ever go into a room and forget what you went in there for?"
Great dad, undistinguished fireman.
‘I’m arresting you for illegally downloading Wikipedia!’
‘Wait! I can explain everything!’
I've got a double joke for you
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To see the idiot.
...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The chicken.
Mom: "Why did you read our son a naughty story for bedtime?"
Dad: "The one about the giant and the magic beans?"
Mom: "Yes."
Dad: "Whats wrong with 'Jackin the Beanstalk'?
Mom:"......."
What do you call a security guard for a trampoline?
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
Ah! You fell for one of the classic blunders!
Why did you keep working for mail service when everyone was isolating?
It's not the money, it's about the message.
In honor of my father for Father’s Day, I’m going to tack you back to the 1990’s. This is rural southern America please read in southern accent.
Me: Daddy I’m thirsty!
My dad: Hi thirsty I’m Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.
I’m sure it’s not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.
What do you call a skin doctor for silly dogs?
What is it called when you change a bike's tires for the very last time?
What would you do for a gay bar?
Why doesn’t Golden Retrievers catch the balls you throw for them?
I asked my fisherman friend, “How much money do you make for your catch?”
He said, “I don’t discuss my .....net worth.”
What do you call it when a woman trades sex for a tattoo?
Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position. But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
What do you call a girl who is thirsty for water?
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?”
She said, “yes or no.”
This year my dad is celebrating his birthday for half a minute. Why you may ask?
Do you guys know about that dumb "Sore Us" marathon for charity?
You're supposed to run until you can't anymore or something like that...? I was thinking of trying one out but honestly I don't know how good I'd do I'm an awful runner...
My friend Tyrell tried one last year and said it was the hardest thing he'd ever done...
I still can't believe Tyrannosaurus
Courtesy of Have I Got News For You.
[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims?
They use foreskin to replace them. Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed.
What do you call searching for snipers in Fortnite? Hunting Rifles.
Haven’t seen many Minecraft puns on here, so here’s one for you guys
For those of you stuck at home
Sorry I’m late for cinco de Mayo. What do you call churros that have sat out on your counter all day?
I mistook a statue for the person you told me to meet at the park.
After a while, I realized it wasn’t the monument.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
A waiter once asked me: “Do you wanna box for your leftovers?”
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
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