Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!

Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 509
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crossover131
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.

They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/girloffthecob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s my first ever cake day!

So you know what that means.... I honestly don’t because I have never had a slice of blue cheese!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theblade126
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My first time posting on my cake day!

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Poleish

Merry Christmas!!!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nbudri
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, β€œWhat are all these buttons for?”

β€œThey are to keep your shirt done up” he replied.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
First day as a pilot....

Me: (Looking down nervously ) "What are these buttons for?"

Co Pilot: "They keep your shirt closed "

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...

They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...

I knew there and then that she was the One!!

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
i lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A lady asked me to check her balance, so i pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My First Day As A Pharmacy Cashier...
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fanosffloyd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
After a long day I want to take a dump as soon as I get home, but it's not my first order of business.

That's #2 on my list.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
First day as a superhero

Villain: why is my calendar wrapped in aluminum?

Me: I foiled your plans.

[I am immediately killed]

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neospygil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
When I came home from my first day at my new job my wife asked me what my new schedule was like. I said it looks like Rihanna...

...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Orkjon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions β€œso what’s the food like here??” The other lions responded...

β€œActually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SidB_22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?

Customer: Well done.

Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.

Customer: "Cargo space?"

Me: "No, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: "Can I see you in my office?"

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
its my first cake day

gonna cut myslef and check if im a cake

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fmlolika
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.

Then I lost my job as a driver.

πŸ‘︎ 779
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
First day of NYC kindergarten: kid1: are you from Queens?

Kid2: no, my parents are straight.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/godofbiscuitssf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A surgeon had three surgeries assigned to the same day. After the first one he said: "One done, tumor to go"
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pilot230
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GeneReddit123
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...

Oops, wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Just had a hectic first day at work

People kept running in and yelling at me that they would need a venti later, then running right back out to their large flashy vans blaring obnoxious music.

I kept having to call after them, saying that β€œthis is a hospital, not a Starbucks!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iamayurt
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
πŸ‘︎ 277
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/9ine0ne0ne
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I cut my own hair for the first time the other day. At first, I thought I did a poor job of it...

...but it's really starting to grow on me.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastGhost18
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.

The rest, as they say, is History.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your postΒ to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
"Attention passengers: I'd like to personally welcome you to my first day as a railway conductor. Not to worry though, you're in very capable hands...

I've been training for this."

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NThruThe0utdoor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day I walked into my son's room and found him with an open first aid kit, preparing to stitch up a cut on his forearm.

I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danno49
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.

I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening he’s absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend β€œWhy I have to change my position every time?”

He replies β€œI know, this sub is full of reposts”

πŸ‘︎ 224
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The first day of the year 2222

is a TUESday

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewAllStar888
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried an electronic powered oven for the first time the other day

it was electricfrying

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hiedler420blaze
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
So I just had my first day at my new job at Subway... My boss told me they've never seen someone as bad as me...

Oh shit, wrong sub!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LupusIP
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the professor say when his students wanted to hunt male deer before the first day of class?

"Don't get the hart before the course!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargingTiger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
The first day of flying class, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, β€œWow! What are all these buttons for?”

He said, β€œThey are used to keep your shirt closed.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 110
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the bank my very first day

A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
First day as a pilot, I asked my co-pilot; β€œwhat are those buttons for?”

β€œTo keep your shirt closed.β€œ

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/halfblood_god
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance....

So I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dani_SF
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over

πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
my first day working as a pilot: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for?

copilot: they keep your shirt closed

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigbrady99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.

Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine.... (apologies to u/buddybd)

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Got home from my new job at the morgue. Wife asked how my first day was.

It was dead.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FatMetalJesus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

β€œGo stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.”

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

β€œSon I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

β€œListen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

β€œHey there,” says the recruit. β€œis it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”

The crewman says β€œOh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”

πŸ‘︎ 181
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.