"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.

She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Broke ny finger today

On the other hand i am ok

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ahmed8117600
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

Edit: Thanks a lot guys for the awards and upvotes. ;) :)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/D3V1L420
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Jack: Howโ€™s it going? Beans: Pretty good

Jack and the beans talk

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jnr_jinx
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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What did the musician play that landed him in jail?

He played a D minor.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kboisno
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mitchinatr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Iโ€™m reading a horror book in Braille. Something terribleโ€™s about to happen.

I can feel it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/deadman590
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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I don't have a green thumb...

Both of mine are pinkish.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HeyWhatsItToYa
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.

I can always count on them.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/killerinstinct101
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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REQUEST: Dads, Lend me your strength!

What are your best dad jokes for the maternity visit? The baby is days away and I need an arsenal for these here finger guns (โ˜ž๏พŸใƒฎ๏พŸ)โ˜ž

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jeromaroo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Point finger: โ€œwhatโ€™s that?โ€

My two year old pointed across the street and asked, โ€œwhatโ€™s that?โ€

I tried to guess and he is often trying to learn the names of things. โ€œA tree? A car? Grass? A bird?โ€

No to all of them.

Then he said, โ€œitโ€™s a finger.โ€

I got dad joked by my two year old.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KirkFerentzsPleats
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Marry her faster
๐Ÿ‘︎ 15k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RobMash11
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
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My dad is learning to play guitar
๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ieatchipotle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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What do thieves make their weapons from?

Steal.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OverrunWithChickens
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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how do you make holy water?

boil the hell out of it!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/inventingalex
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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A proud father: My son got my wife today

Today we were eating and my son ate a carrot without using the fork so my wife promptly said: "Don't eat with your fingers..." to which he answered: "I'm eating with my mouth!"

I was soooo happy and my wife had to let it slide...

(We don't speak English so I hope the joke isn't lost in the translation)

EDIT: Thanks for all the upvotes :) This was an unexpected surprise to wake up to. Very happy that it translates in to English so well. Now some clarifications:

  1. Yes... the carrots were cooked, we are not psychopaths (in regards to our eating habbits)

  2. My son is 10 years old and still living at home

  3. We all speak English, just not our native language and not used at the dinner table

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lweinreich
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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What has only one finger and is very demanding ?

A Ransom Note.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/frenzy3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
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What do they call fist bumps in the U.K.?

British Pounds

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Flandersmcj
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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I think it's neat to order whisky, no ice
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PaxPaw
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

The teacher woke him up

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thatJAZZkid
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
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Got dad joked by my two year old.

Walked into the kitchen with my hammer to hang something up, "What's that, Daddy?" "It's a hammer, buddy." "What are you going to ham?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Flapjack22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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How are your fingers?

I was skiing and got onto a chairlift with a father and his son (around 6 years old). The father was asking if his son's fingers were still cold. His son, looking visibly upset said "They were okay, but I had forgot about them and just mentioning my fingers made them start hurting again! Don't say another word about my fingers!"

You could hear the gears turning, and I watched the smirk form on the father's face as he proudly stated "Another word about my fingers". His son burst into tears.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Slothemo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
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A joke I made just before a test in math

I turned to a friend next to me: "Will you tell me the answers if I don't know something?"

"No."

"I was counting on you. Now I have to use my hands."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ICameHereToRead
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2015
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What dating app do chickens use?

Chicken Tender

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/UnleashTheTurtle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
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This is a story that ends in my best joke to date.

I'm a nanny, the family I work for typically hang out for 10-30 minutes before the parents leave me and baby alone, just to chat and catch up, as well as to mitigate any potential meltdowns from a sudden leaving.

Anyway, Baby has started walking and is very keen to investigate everything. Yesterday he was headed straight to the electrical outlet. So I said to him, "oh no that's not a toy! Our fingers don't go there,"

Dad says, "baby disagrees"

"That's shocking."

Dad, "That's better than any dad joke I've come up with"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MyDogsNameIsToes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

โ€ฆ u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Skormes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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I work at a restaurant as a bartender/server...

And a guy ordered a medium rare sirloin for lunch. Once everyone got their food, I gave them a few minutes to dig in, and then went to check how they all were doing. Here's how it went.

Me: Hi guys, is everyone still doing well over here? (Pause to turn to the guy with the steak)...Or should I say medium rare ehh?? finger guns and chuckles

Guys: silence. Complete silence

Me: cracks up at my own stupid joke and walks away with no shame, leaving them in awe of my greatness

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mkelsey4610
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
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My dad after coming out of an eleven week coma

I was just randomly visiting my dad. He woke up when i was there. He opens his eyes, he's in agony and uses, what looks like all his strength to raise his finger pulse oximeter and says "E.T phone..... your mother"

I just remembered this. It was 20 years ago and I'm happy to say he is still telling terrible jokes to this day

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/baskmeollox
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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"My ring feels tight"

Maybe you ate too much finger food.

Context: Myself, my father and my gilfriend chatting around the fire. My dad made the comment about his wedding right feeling tight in the heat and my girlfriend make the joke. I like her.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DangerousPerson9
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20 2015
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My theatre dadjoke

So I just realized that my "epic" theatre joke is also a dadjoke.

Now this requires some explaining before I get to the joke. I just completed my 55th theatre production - mostly community theatre; most designing and running sound, but I get on stage sometimes. A decade or so ago, I came up with a terrible pun. Told it, got groans, and promptly forgot about it.

A production or two later, someone said - "Hey, aren't you going to tell your joke?" It took a little prompting to remind me of it. Once I was reminded, I told the joke - to more groans.

I enjoyed the groans so much - and was touched that someone remembered the joke that I'd forgotten. So I did decide it was going to forevermore be: THE JOKE.

So the NEXT production, I started warning people that "The Joke" was coming. One or two remembered the previous time I'd told it, and reacted - "Oh god. Please no."

So now it has truly become a thing. Every production I'm in, I start reminding people that The Joke is coming, and the reactions from those who know the joke really help set up the anticipation.

So finally it happens. Most theatre productions I've been in run Fri-Sat-Sun performances. And thus, as I explain, I can only tell The Joke after the last Friday night's performance ends, and before the last Saturday's performance begins. It shifts if the days are different because The Joke depends on the number of remaining shows.

So, finally that time period comes, and I explain that I can only tell the joke during that time period, only the once per production - from auditions to strike - and that we're in that period of time.... which is known as.... the "cancer period". AND would you like to know WHY this period of time is known as the "cancer period"?

(at which point the tension for the punchline is usually quite palpable)

"Because we have...... TUMOR!" (as I hold up two fingers).

This is usually followed by shouts to "GET OUT!" and threats of violence against my person. hehehe

And the NEXT time, when I start warning that "The Joke" is coming, most of these groan "Oh god... no...." and helps set it up for the next poor bunch of folks who haven't yet heard it. :)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IsaacEiland-Hall
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 24 2017
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My Pops killed it with this one..

My Pops passed away about a year ago, and one of my best memories was him saying his favorite "dad joke". I would always ask him to make me something because he was a chef.

ME: Pops can you make me a steak?

POPS: Yeah sure, poof (as he flicks his fingers at me) you're a steak. Ahh! good times.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zen_carlos
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DontFuckWithMyMoney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Not a normal dad joke, just a joke from my friend's Dad.

I went on vacation in highschool with one of my good friends and his Dad and another friend, who is basically the coolest fucking guy you'll ever meet (We call him Cool Daddy Mike). Its not so much a dad joke, more just a fucked up joke my friend's Dad told me, but on our way down to Florida from Ohio, we stopped halfway there to stay in a hotel and finish the drive the next day. Since it was just 4 of us for 1 night we only got one room with 2 king sized beds. When we got to the room his dad looked at me and said "If you woke up one morning with a condom hanging out of your ass, would you tell anyone?" I of course said no I would not. He then said "Well alright looks like we are sharing a bed tonight" and points two finger guns at me. It may seem fucked up but if you knew his dad like we all did, you would have died laughing with us. (Just to clarify I did not get sexually assaulted in my sleep by my friend's dad)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Longsack9
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2015
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Mom won Mother's Day at the expense of the church organist

Sitting in the backyard on a beautiful Mother's Day evening, the topic turned to our church organist who is absolutely awful and serves as the source of much pain and humor for my family.

Dad: After all these years you would think he would be able to play at least one song without a mistake.

Mom: In his defense, the pay is almost nonexistent. It's basically volunteer. So his heart is in the right place. pause His fingers just aren't!

Belly laughs all around. She was bright red laughing at her own joke. Well deserved.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pantsthemusical
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2014
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As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.

You just have to have a feel for it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign Language

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Aakshaj
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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I broke my finger yesterday...

... on the other hand, I'm okay.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bot_10
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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I broke my finger today

But on the other hand im fine

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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I got into an accident and I was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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I broke one of my fingers at work today

On the other hand, everything is OK

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/moehamm
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 74
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We were at the aquarium. All dads in the vicinity made the same joke.....

There was a man cleaning a tank but all you could see was his hand. My dad leans to me and says "look! It's a rare hand fish."

The dad next to us with his two kids said "look everyone? Do you see the hand fish? That ones my favorite."

As we walked a way another family walked up and I heard their dad say "here we have the hand fish."

Edit: I told my dad about the response this is getting, to which he replied "Wow. Is it going viral? Should I call my doctor?" (Keep in mind he doesn't know how the internet works.)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/not_rude_and_ginger
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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