predictable, as it was led by only a semi-conductor
My wife said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”
Me: I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
When the city comes to, God is standing over it.
"San Francisco, are you OK?", God asks.
San Francisco replies, "I'm fine, just a little foggy."
Sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
...but can't seem to find it.
A bay-gull.
Bay-to-Ray Bill
It would have been an ideal location for the Quakers.
I now realize it was Rice-Erroneous.
We had finished walking the Golden Gate Bridge and were in our car. I took off my shoes and noticed that my socks had holes in them.
"I didn't know you had religious socks," he said to me.
"What?" I replied.
"You know, because they're holy."
A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.
Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.
I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."
Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo
2:30 AM: A woman accused of robbing a large bank in San Francisco
6:00 PM: A man accused of scamming high rollers in Las Vegas
9:00 PM: A man accused of shooting two rival gang members in Los Angeles
The last one: Keep him away from the Crip tonight
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes.
"Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you."
My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired."
Those were his last words.
It's Sans Francisco.
He left his chart in San Francisco.
While my dad (Frank) was planning a trip to America he said "When I'm in America, they'll change San Francisco to San Frankcisco!"
I looked up and responded with "Yeah, I heard after some Scandinavian guy visited New York it was changed to New Björk"
Looks of disapproval all around. I did it.
Edit: Punctuation
At a wedding reception where the chocolates on the table were in nice looking package.
- Dad: Don't throw that way; I'll take them home.
- Mom: Great another of one thousand useless items that'll be on a shelf.
- Dad: Aaaaw, Honey -- I'd never put you on the shelf.
While watching a baseball game:
- Mom: Are they "boo'ing?" Nobody "boos" anymore.
- Dad: Hey can I have a blow job?
- Mom: Shut up.
- Dad: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
In regards to meatloaf my mother made:
- Mom: Sorry the meatloaf isn't that good.
- Dad: It's Ok. But next time try adding some Alpo.
While eating at relatives' house:
- Mom: Wow. This is really good! We used to eat like this all the time growing up.
- Uncle: Really? Where I come from we just call it Hamburger Helper.
In regards to an inappropriately shaped child's toy:
- Me: Did you buy that at one of those special stores you guys got in San Francisco?
- Grandfather: What?! Of course not! God no - that's not mine!
- ...
- Grandfather: It's too small...
When my brother and I were screwing around instead of helping in the garage:
- Dad: You know, twice, twice! I thought I got it out quick enough but some must have dribbled back inside.
After listening to a 3 minute voice mail from my mother:
- Me: What did she want?
- Dad: You want the long or the short version?
- Me: Short.
- Dad: Nothing.
- Me: Ok long version.
- Dad: Nothing much.
So when I was a kid, my family and I were in San Francisco on a ferry to visit Alcatraz. We noticed an interesting Seagull that was hovering over our boat with no feet!
Me: Wow look at that seagull, it has no feet! Wonder what happened...
Dad: He must have been defeated...
Groan.
Walking around San Francisco today, we see some yellow caution tape blowing around and she says "Well, someone threw caution to the wind..... "
My dad, myself and a friend were discussing an aquarium/zoo with a number of exotic varieties.
Friend: "Yeah, they have Albino gators, and a golden gator there."
Dad: "Surely the Golden Gators are in San Francisco?"
An elderly woman is pushing a cart up the middle of the road in downtown San Francisco (not uncommon). The driver carefully, but easily, avoids her. I comment she's really staked a claim to the road. He replied "she's grandmothered in."
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?”
I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
She asked me, “What are you going to do when we see it?”
Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Her: What would you do when we see it?
Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
She said, “ What are you going to do when you finally see it?”
I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
Her: What are you going to do when we see it?
Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
