The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don’t fish weight themselves?

They have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JP-Seven
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a new business farming microscopic fish

It's a small scale operation

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't believe I was able to trade a piece of fruit for a measuring device.

(Banana for scale)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you tell how much a reptile weighs?

You look at the scales

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigDaddyB207
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Kitchen scale

My 5 yr old son pulled down the kitchen scale and asked me what it was for. I explained what it was and we left the kitchen.

Later, my wife asks me what our son was asking about so I told her we were talking about what the kitchen scale is used for. She then asks me "Why is it still on the counter? Why didn't you put it away?!"

I said "Because, we were weighing his options."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/machinehead-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
0 - 200 in 3 seconds.

A wealthy man and his wife are living together.

One day his wife says to him; "If you really love me, then I expect something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds parked in our driveway tomorrow!".

The next morning she rushes out the door to find a bathroom scale in the driveway.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftClickMadness
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the most musical animal?

Fish, they have scales

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notasmartcomment
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said on a scale of 1 to 10, she rates me an 11

I was so happy but then she told me it was a pH scale because I’m basic as hell.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Weighing elephants is ..

A large scale problem.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m thick where it counts

On the scale

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trevhaar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The teacher is too salty

Teacher: What is below 7 in the pH scale?
Student: Acids.
Teacher: Good. What is above 7?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Clearly you don't know the basic!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/099nightwalker
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
So you got Covid-19?

Looks down at scale, I got Covid-25 already.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/opdefy
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
3am thought: if a weighbridge somehow got stolen...

... would the police conduct a large scale search?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
"I've built a model of Mount Everest "

"Is it to scale? " "No,just to look at! "

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you tuna fish?

You raise or lower the scales.

πŸ‘︎ 373
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b0b
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A patient goes into a doctor's office for examination...

Doctor: On a scale from 1 to 10, how much pain are you experiencing?

Patient: Ο€

Doctor: pi?

Patient: Low level, but never ending

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JerfDaRerf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is it easy to make money out of manufacturing rulers?

Because of the economies of scale.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How do Lizards judge an egg?

They use Scales

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iccotak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What's black and weighs a lot?

A scale.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KataKataBijaksana
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Most fisherman hold their fish far away from their bodies when they take pictures. This is why they think they're so much bigger than they are.

They're not to scale.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How much does a dragon weigh?

Depends on the scales.

πŸ‘︎ 735
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HUMANPHILOSOPHER
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad showed me his new Mount Everest replica today

I said "Wow! To scale?"

He said "No, just to look at"

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlimShaney8418
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.

He said, β€œIt must be drawn to scale.”

πŸ‘︎ 379
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I drew a picture of a skinned fish.

It’s not a scale drawing.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I started a business where we weigh microscopic objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
It's for my cake day

Why are fish easy to weigh... Because they have their own scales

Wheres my cake?

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elbrule
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are fish easy to weigh?

They have their own scales!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ct2k7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I've just started a business where I weigh tiny objects.

It's a small scale operation

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend told me that you can't tune a fish. I disagree.

They have many scales but they are all over the place

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My friends and I started a business where we weigh really tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I just started my own business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 328
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are fish easy to weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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