Our local florist recently expanded to take in the shop space next door.

Business must really be blooming.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/drozzi007
šŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Beatles Expand Minds
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/thedurtyjoo
šŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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Could the Uyghurs expand throughout the vast lands of Eurasia?

No, but Genghis Khan.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Dr_Calcium
šŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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I called my wife 'Miss Universe' last night.

"Is it because I'm so beautiful?" she asked

"NO, It's because you're constantly expanding."

šŸ‘︎ 72
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/VERBERD
šŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.

The poor man dyed a loan.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/boogerknows
šŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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I'm so ready to be a dad

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

šŸ‘︎ 14
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
šŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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Expanding gas in a sealed container is

Da bomb.

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šŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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You know how things expand with heat.

Iā€™m not fat Iā€™m hot.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/coot32
šŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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Damn, now he won't find out his fortune.
šŸ‘︎ 5k
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/mtchllyng
šŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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A friend of mine misspelled Viet Cong, couldn't resist making this.
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/UncleSpoons
šŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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A man gets to the hospital just as his child is being born...

He was pronounced Dad on Arrival.

šŸ‘︎ 15
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/dylex31
šŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
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A guy I know tore his ACL and this is how he told everyone on Facebook

While this news undoubtedly sucks, I'm trying to take it in stride and em-brace it nonetheless! The recovery will give me the opportunitknee to improve my skills as a sideline player and some extra downtime to expand my abilities in programming and graphic design. I plan to continue at-tendon practices and other events as normal though! So many teammates, past and present, have already been incredibly supportive and reached out to help me; its certainly been a joint effort, and I can't thank you all enough for that. In hindsight, I wouldn't change akneething about attending USA U24 tryouts as tenacity, perserverance, and sacrifice are often the names of the game in pursuit of distant dreams. Ultimately, I guess some things are just liga-meant to be!

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šŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2017
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The Dictator

So here's the setup: I recently started working for a taxi cab company. It's surprisingly lucrative, and a shitload better than McDonalds.

So I'm working, and I'm parked in front of a bar, hoping that a fare is gonna knock on my window, when about twenty feet or so in front of me, I see a very good friend of mine. I shout, and we spend the next few minutes shooting the breeze. A fare knocks on my window, and I driver her to where she needs to go.

After, I'm driving back to that bar, and I get a call from my friend, asking if I had another fare lined up. I didn't so he told me to come back, he's got a group for me. They get in the car, and these guys start bugging the shit out of me. Which I can handle. What I can't handle is when they start dealing each other cocaine in my back seat. At that point, I'm just livid. I tell them to give me my money and get the fuck out of my car.

Later, I chat my friend up on Facebook. I tell him that I'm super-grateful that he got me a fare, but to please not ever put those particular assholes in my car again. And since our relationship is built on surreal humor and snark, I start expanding the list. Those assholes. Colombian drug lords. Justin Beiber. Kim Jong-Un. Please, no Korean dictators.

"But what about a penis-shaped potato?"

I'll admit, that one threw me for a loop. But I tell him that potatoes are fine, regardless of shape, size, color, or type.

At that point, I could almost hear him laughing as he typed "Excellent. Instead of a dictator, I'll send you with a dick tater."

I was so pissed off I had walked straight into that one.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/SoldierOfTruth
šŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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I sandwiched in this joke over dinner.

Did you know that my favourite Indian grocery store is expanding?

They're opening up a New Delhi.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/deeahnuh
šŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2015
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Meth Dealer [OC]

So a meth dealer is trying to expand his territory into a local school back in the late 90's. He's having a really hard time until he hits on a marketing phrase: "Meth is illin'!" For some reason, that closes every sale he tries to make at the school. It starts with the students, but then he gets some of the faculty as customers and he has one dealing the stuff. For some reason, every single time, when he says "meth is illin'!" he closes the deal. Even the administrators can't seem to resist his catchphrase.

But then his contact on the faculty alerts him to a problem -- the janitor is going to figure out what's going on, and he's going to shut everything down. The teacher is scared of the guy, but our dealer has gained so much confidence in himself that he cannot worry. He waits for the janitor on his morning route.

"Hey man, don't you know? Meth is i-"

But before he can even finish the sentence, the janitor has sprayed floor cleaner in his eyes, hit him in the gut with his mop, and crammed him in a trash can. The dealer is arrested and immediately convicted.

TL; DR: Do not fuck with "meth is illin'!" resistant staff.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/SadEaglesFan
šŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
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