My son was about to ask me 1 million questions about everything.
My daughter, Eliza, kept asking me to use my 3D printer to make monogrammed chairs for her dolls. Last Sunday I printed over 100 of them. She was so happy. She started putting them on everything for decoration.
We had a Sunday, everything with a chair E on top.
It took me years to learn everything about acids
I mean, it's not very basic...
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
My daughter asked me for a recommendation for a good book. I told her I had the perfect book in my collection for her to read. It has drama, romance, betrayal, excitement, action, love, loss, heroes, villians, mystery and puzzles. Pretty much everything really. Excitedly she asked me for it.
I handed her the dictionary.
Me to my daughter: I know everything.
Her: no you don't.
Me: I'll prove it later.
Later that day...
Her:dad, can I go to shelly's and play.
Me:No.
Her: Why not?
Me: Because I no everything.
"Vote for me, and we won't have BEEF. I hope to MEAT all of your expectations, but if we don't accomplish everything, don't have a COW."
I once met a flat earthier who was really excited to tell me everything about the flat earth (not knowing that I believed in a round earth)
I told him, “woah, slow down buddy. Curve your enthusiasm”
I WAS on top of the laundry. Then my wife had to ruin everything and tell me to fold it like I promised and stop lying on it while I watch TV.
My wife said she's leaving me because I always relate everything to Batman.
I was trying to get my wife to appreciate puns as much as me. I tried everything I could come up with and she didn't even crack a smile! So I googled the top 10 puns of all time. I read every single one to her trying to get her to laugh
My reddit bio says everything you need to know about me
I was in a really bad mood earlier because my wife accused me of always trying to turn everything in to a joke. After hours of awkward silence, she finally gave in and asked, "What's the matter!?"
I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."
My wife stared icily at me and grumbled, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?!”
I shouted, “An excellent question, my dear! But next time, please use the buzzer!”
She asked me to make sure everything was clear on the counter…
So I said, "what should I do with all the opaque things?"
Make me one with everything. -- Zen Master to the hot dog vendor
Man, everything these flat-Earthers say to me...
...brings me one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break.
Me to my dad while he is grilling: Can I have a hot dog with everything on it?
...Everything isn't going to fit on one little hot dog.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
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