My son was about to ask me 1 million questions about everything.

I said " Chucky Cheese"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter, Eliza, kept asking me to use my 3D printer to make monogrammed chairs for her dolls. Last Sunday I printed over 100 of them. She was so happy. She started putting them on everything for decoration.

We had a Sunday, everything with a chair E on top.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
It took me years to learn everything about acids

I mean, it's not very basic...

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked me for a recommendation for a good book. I told her I had the perfect book in my collection for her to read. It has drama, romance, betrayal, excitement, action, love, loss, heroes, villians, mystery and puzzles. Pretty much everything really. Excitedly she asked me for it.

I handed her the dictionary.

πŸ‘︎ 471
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Me to my daughter: I know everything.

Her: no you don't. Me: I'll prove it later.

Later that day... Her:dad, can I go to shelly's and play. Me:No. Her: Why not? Me: Because I no everything.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
"Vote for me, and we won't have BEEF. I hope to MEAT all of your expectations, but if we don't accomplish everything, don't have a COW."
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fools_Requiem
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I once met a flat earthier who was really excited to tell me everything about the flat earth (not knowing that I believed in a round earth)

I told him, β€œwoah, slow down buddy. Curve your enthusiasm”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danlehavj
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I WAS on top of the laundry. Then my wife had to ruin everything and tell me to fold it like I promised and stop lying on it while I watch TV.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife said she's leaving me because I always relate everything to Batman.

What a Joker.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kurtastrophe12
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I was trying to get my wife to appreciate puns as much as me. I tried everything I could come up with and she didn't even crack a smile! So I googled the top 10 puns of all time. I read every single one to her trying to get her to laugh

and no pun in 10 did

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My reddit bio says everything you need to know about me
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alex1nChains
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I was in a really bad mood earlier because my wife accused me of always trying to turn everything in to a joke. After hours of awkward silence, she finally gave in and asked, "What's the matter!?"

I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife stared icily at me and grumbled, β€œWhy does everything have to be a game with you?!”

I shouted, β€œAn excellent question, my dear! But next time, please use the buzzer!”

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
🚨︎ report
She asked me to make sure everything was clear on the counter…

So I said, "what should I do with all the opaque things?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Make me one with everything. -- Zen Master to the hot dog vendor
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thrashertm
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Man, everything these flat-Earthers say to me...

...brings me one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotagoK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Me to my dad while he is grilling: Can I have a hot dog with everything on it?

...Everything isn't going to fit on one little hot dog.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bradfink2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.