*calls mum * son : I'm in hospital but don't worry everything is fine
Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”
My New Year’s Resolution this year is to stop second guessing everything.
Wait, is that even a good enough resolution? Idk
Biracial people prove that not everything is black and white.
When everything is coming your way...
....you're in the wrong lane.
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol....
He doesn’t drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles...
His caREAR is everything to him
My dad knows exactly where everything is located in the store.
I am impressed with his shelf confidence.
What do you call a German who is mad at everything ?
A Sour-Kraut (Sauerkraut)
What do you call your mother's 80-year-old sister who is afraid of everything?
Everything is funny with an old man in it.
My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just won’t come. She’s tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said “any means necessary.”
To which I replied “No it doesn’t.”
My business is on the verge of bankcruptcy even though I am doing everything right.
It doesn't make any cents.
Hey, this is my first reddit post but I need help. I think I accidentally deleted everything on my computer.
.....sorry for formatting.
We all have that on relative who breaks everything they touch. Mine is my...
If you ever have a day where everything is going right for you
Find anything in the shape of a roll, put it on the floor, stand on it, and say, "I'm on a roll!"
Blanch: "Why did pickling upset you so badly? Is everything ok?" Me: "The whole experience was quite jarring...."
Blanch: "I get it. That can leave you in a bad headspace but, I'm an open kettle - you can tell me anything."
Me: "I just need to vent, Blanch."
My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I'm very happy
If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery
My French cat thinks everything is funny
In these dark times were everything is closed down DFS closing down sale is actually happening
Everything in the world is easier said than done
Unless you have a speech impediment
two cops go around the block and see if everything is in order...
one of them says "look, there's a dead bird!"
the other looks up into the sky
"where?"
I ordered from a community who’s motto is “everything for a smile”
Yet, the delivery guy didn’t seem happy when I payed with a smile and shut the door on him... I wonder what’s wrong...
A man who lost everything in a fire was asked if he is okay.
"Well, I have nothing left, so I guess I'm all right."
Everything is under control bois
Toby Turner aka Tobuscus is the one who turned everything.
The fact that everything we see in monitors is made up of only red, green and blue is amazing. I suppose you could say...
Everything is made in China
except babbies, they are made in vachina.
Everything is cheaper with Drewpons
Hello,
I have a friend named Drew who hates it when I use his name in puns. I need more ammo so I thought I'd ask for help here.
When it’s super dark in my house I Stevie Wonder where everything is
Everything is A-OK today.
Not everything that glitters is gold.
Perception is everything...
.. At least that's how I see it.
My wife said she's leaving me because everything I say is irrelevant
How can she do this to me when her cousin has just bought a new coffee table.
A wise man once told me "Kid there are two rules of business and life. One is never tell anyone everything you know..."
I know everything there is to know about sushi
You could say I’m an a-fish-onado
America is home of the king sized everything.
Even our Ariana's are grande
No worries. Everything is under Control.
Two pirates walk into a bar, one of them is wearing glasses shaped like little boats. Bartender says " whats with the boat shaped glasses?". Pirate says" I like everything to be ship shape".
How does an owl say, "Everything is fine."?
When everything is going your way..
you're probably in the wrong lane.
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.
He doesn’t drink, he’s just terrible at crosswords.
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.
He’s not a drunk, just shitty at crosswords.
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