My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol....
He doesn’t drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles...
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...
His caREAR is everything to him
What sucks at everything it does?
My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just won’t come. She’s tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said “any means necessary.”
To which I replied “No it doesn’t.”
We're doing everything right, I don't understand why we can't make a baby.
Why would everything be different without a sense of touch?
Because we wouldn’t know how to feel
"Are those your pants, stumbling around by themselves and puking all over everything?"
"Yeah, they're my high/wasted jeans."
My friend Pete had a buddy who copied everything he did.
Why are frogs scared of everything?
It’s because cause they’re jumpy.
My business is on the verge of bankcruptcy even though I am doing everything right.
It doesn't make any cents.
On top of everything else going on this year, I just got ketchup in my eye.
Now I have 2020 Heinzsight.
Hey, this is my first reddit post but I need help. I think I accidentally deleted everything on my computer.
.....sorry for formatting.
We all have that on relative who breaks everything they touch. Mine is my...
Did you hear about the rooster that kept biting everything?
I got annoyed because the russet potatoes were announcing everything I did.
Then I realized they’re just common taters.
Did you hear about the tornado in southern USA that was swallowing everything in its path?
It was called the VoreTex-as.
You said everything would be back to normal by the end of June...
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
If you ever have a day where everything is going right for you
Find anything in the shape of a roll, put it on the floor, stand on it, and say, "I'm on a roll!"
What do you call a friend who estimates everything?
Blanch: "Why did pickling upset you so badly? Is everything ok?" Me: "The whole experience was quite jarring...."
Blanch: "I get it. That can leave you in a bad headspace but, I'm an open kettle - you can tell me anything."
Me: "I just need to vent, Blanch."
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: groan
Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly
Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom
Car salesman: So it's a great car, everything you need
Customer: Cargo space?
Car salesman: Car no go space, car go road.
Who said tahini makes everything taste better
I've got a puppy that's quite smart, but won't stop chewing on everything
So I named him gnaw-it-all
I told my daughter I know everything about Spongebob.
Daughter: sing the theme song
Me: ‘Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
SPONGEBOB THATS WHO!
Technically everything on the ground
I tried everything but I couldn't get my phone to sync with my computer, so I threw it in the toilet.
Last night there was a break-in at the pencil factory, theives stole everything...
...police are still looking for leads.
If you're having trouble connecting your bluetooth device, just dress in green, sit on a perch and repeat everything that tech support tells you.
It's the only way to parrot.
It took me years to learn everything about acids
I mean, it's not very basic...
I'm tired of the men taking over everything. Like..why we call Iron Man, Iron Man?
My French cat thinks everything is funny
There was a knock at the door and when I opened it, there was a kitchen sink standing there. He said "You have everything but me."
Germans have a word for everything..
2020 was the year everything turned on its side...
Everything in the world is easier said than done
Unless you have a speech impediment
two cops go around the block and see if everything is in order...
one of them says "look, there's a dead bird!"
the other looks up into the sky
"where?"
In these dark times were everything is closed down DFS closing down sale is actually happening
Will I turn everything into a bisexual pun?
Pro-bi-bly
:) thank you, thank you,
I ordered from a community who’s motto is “everything for a smile”
Yet, the delivery guy didn’t seem happy when I payed with a smile and shut the door on him... I wonder what’s wrong...
There's a new machine at the gym, it does absolutely everything
Soft drinks, potato chips, chocolate cookies and candy
My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I'm very happy
If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery
Where did the swimmer pack everything for his vacation?
New to reddit. How do I flip the orientation to where everything isn't upside down?
Girls be misunderstanding everything
I was going to leave everything to my 2 sons when I die, but one son got arrested for a murderous rampage and the other left his wife and kids for his hot secretary...
You know, with everything that’s happening so far in 2020...
You’d think someone would have seen it coming
I got a universal remote for Christmas. This changes everything.
A man who lost everything in a fire was asked if he is okay.
"Well, I have nothing left, so I guess I'm all right."
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Toby Turner aka Tobuscus is the one who turned everything.
My wife said that everything on this subreddit was stupid, unfunny puns...
But I made this post yesterday that says otherwise.
Obligatory Edit: I have so many people to thank for gold, but I think this says it all.
I recently watched a movie about a man who made everything symmetrical late in the day. It was called...
What do you call a man who always carries everything that he might need?
Roses are green, Violets are green, Everything's green
There's a time and puns for everything
The fact that everything we see in monitors is made up of only red, green and blue is amazing. I suppose you could say...
I say yes to pretty much everything.
If you ask me why, I'll tell you I don't no.
If you forget everything, you have alzheimer's.
If you forget just a little bit, you have halfzheimer's.
Everything is under control bois
People say I always argue about everything
I wanted to rearrange everything in our kitchen so we could locate everything without having to think about it.
But that might be too counter intuitive.
I relabeled everything in the spice rack at home. I know my wife hasn't realized it though because I'm not in trouble yet
But I know my thyme is cumin
The robbers took everything from my house, but I’m most upset they took my mirror
I can’t see myself without it!
How does a tomato know everything about everyone?
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
Dude did u buy everything
I once got lost in a corn maze as dusk settled and everything grew quiet...
Everything is made in China
except babbies, they are made in vachina.
If God nose everything why did he forget voldemort😏
Everything's Free On The Epic Games Store Right Now
I love hollandaise sauce, and put it on everything...
...but the lemon juice in it wreaks havoc on my dentures. My dentist said he has just the thing: Dentures made of chrome.
Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
I'm afraid of everything. I was going to read a book on phobias...
But I'm afraid it wouldn't help.
When it’s super dark in my house I Stevie Wonder where everything is
Stop worrying about next year. I know for a fact that everything will be OK. How do I know?
back to science class - Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
And why do elephants carry everything with their truck?
Because they don't have a glove box.
I'll be here all night. Please tip your waiter on your way out.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
Today I opened a new bank account on the phone. Everything was done by protocall.
What do you call a shorebird that believes everything you say?
I'm not sure, sea gull-ible in the dictionary.
What do you name a guy who agrees with everything?
Everything is cheaper with Drewpons
Hello,
I have a friend named Drew who hates it when I use his name in puns. I need more ammo so I thought I'd ask for help here.
Thats everything i could *wish* for
my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
I have to do everything at home.
My husband is a professional yo-yoer and refuses to do anything, except walk the dog.
Everything is A-OK today.
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
You said everything would be back to normal after June...
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.
He doesn’t drink, he’s just terrible at crosswords.
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