Early Today Puns

"It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.

Some might call me a monster, others a nomster

Edit: credit: u/Mr_PoodlePants. My b, forgot about this.

Only to work from home for the rest of the day

Today is truly Friday, De sombre 13th.

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

Because I was fasting.

"it's all that lifting you've been doing at the gym"

My dad says "I've only been up since 5:30." My mom says "I got up at 5:30, too!" Dad says "See that? I got up up earlier than your mother did."

**edit: for those saying he died on 3/13

A banana farmer arrives on his farm in the early morning and notices that he is missing a banana picker. He asks the other pickers where she is today. They tell him "Chiquita"

Yesterday, joking around with a regular customer of mine, he asks me if I knew about the early days of the Indianapolis 500. I make up some BS about how, in the olden times, they ran the race on cows. He comes back today, the following convo takes place.

Customer- Remember how you told me the Indy 500 was raced on cows?
Me- Yeah
Customer- I guess that's why they call it steering.

He followed it up with- Let's not get into blowing the horn.

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

Left the office a little early today.

Me: "Gotta jet!" Her: "Did you win the lottery this weekend?"

My husband and I have been working out more lately and we woke up today complaining about our aches and pains.

Me: What's sore for you?

Him: My abs, my back, my arms.

Me: Ahh. For me, it's my dino.

Him: (strange look)

Me: My dino-sore!

He laughed and then yelled at me that it was too early for awful dad jokes.

The bells were wrong because of testing and rung too early. My teacher replied "sit down the bells are off today" I said "No, they are clearly on!"

So we're discussing some of the Indian tribes in my Early American History class today, and he ends class by saying:

"How do you get an Indian wet?

You Tippecanoe."

So my mom walked up to the table with a bag full of gifts and said Christmas came early. She'd got each of us a little gift in order to start up the Christmas spirit.

My dad looks at each of us and says "I guess you could say today's not thanksgiving anymore. It's thanksgetting!"

When I was in 1st grade I had to get glasses and left school early with my mom and dad to pick them up. The place on that particular day was open half a day and we got there just before they closed. As we entered my dad saw that the receptionist was a dwarf and turned to my mom and said "No wonder they have a half day today."

My friend told me this one today.

Why did the bicycle's mom put him to bed early

because he was two tired

My Property II Professor is about 80 years old. Class ends at 7:30. Clock turns to 7:30 and we start packing up. He announces: "I'm going to let you out 45 minutes early today, we'll make it up next time."

He's done this every class now.

We are on a ski trip in Colorado for his birthday and Christmas. We have to wake up early so we can get a good parking space and beat the crowds. Today is his birthday and our alarm clock this morning was the theme song to Hawaii 5-O. He turned 50 today. Hahaha.