Worst prom night ever

I had to wait in line to get flowers for my date, then I had to wait forever to get a limo. When my date and I finally got to the dance there was a super long line for tickets. When we finally got in she asked me to get her a class of punch. I went over there but there was no punchline

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πŸ‘€︎ u/northwoodsboi_762
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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A man's son entered a raffle to win the deed to an entire shopping plaza.

The son's ticket number wasn't the one picked to win. Despondently, the son told the results to his dad. In an effort to console him, his dad replied..."Well, sorry son, but you can't win the mall."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kellzone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says β€œcoolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that β€œcreative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname β€œthe machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him β€œHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. β€œWhat do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified β€œliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed β€œyeah, my greatest failure...”

β€œWhat do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

β€œI’ve been aiming left this whole time”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!

After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/digeratisensei
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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β€œJudge, 50% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok..... Judge, half of my parking tickets are bogus!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Took my kids to the circus.

They especially enjoyed watching the clowns.

We won a backstage tour after the show, and happened to notice that all the people who were tallying up the tickets and sales were dressed as clowns, and happened to be little people...but none of them had been in the performances. When I asked the tour guide why they were dressed up even though they weren’t in the show, he replied, β€œDon’t you know? It’s the little jesters that count”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schoonerw
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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In recent news, a giant had a troubling discovery when he returned home from work.

After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,

"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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A cop just showed up and arrested our dog!

He had som unpaid barking tickets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GUNGUNM4N
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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I left work and a cop followed me home for my entire 50 minute commute then ticketed me in my own driveway.

He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket.

I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong.

He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/peon2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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Why was the dog towed away?

It did not pay barking ticket

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Why are Policemen’s balls bigger than Fireman’s balls?...

β€˜Cos they sell more tickets.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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The punchline

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a long time but he gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually gets the limo. He goes to buy her flowers and the line at the florist is really long, but he eventually gets them. At prom, his girlfriend asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there is no punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trigger00006
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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The police have just turned up at my house and arrested my dog.

Apparently he had unpaid barking tickets.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batchyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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How did Eddie Money get himself and a friend into the backgammon tournament?

Two tickets, two pair of dice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djvaller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Superb Owl

Can’t believe the sky high prices for tickets to see a band at the Hard Rock stadium this weekend! Anyone heard of the β€œSuperb Owl”? Can’t find them on Spotify.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zerospan01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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It's Christmas morning and Mariah Carey wakes up to see what her boyfriend got her this year.

She opens the front door and there is a huge log on a chain contraption that can ram castle gates.Β  Confused, she looks past the medieval device to see her boyfriend standing in the front yard surrounded by dozens of male sheep and holding two tickets to skybox seats for football in Los Angeles.

He holds his arms wide and asks, "what do you think?"

She smiles and says, "Thank you for the rams but all I want for Christmas is ewe."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcsestretch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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A dog gave birth to puppies on the sidewalk

She was ticketed for littering.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZonieDrew
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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I was stopped by the cops while I was driving today.

Police : You're getting a speeding ticket for that kind of driving.

Me : Oh that's great , where to ?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaushik_220601
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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The long game

So a bus conductor in America was doing his job one day, happily printing and checking tickets all day long, enjoying the country views and feeling good about life.

A young lad gets on, chewing gum and being as loud and rude as all teenage lads are. There’s no-one else on the bus, so the conductor takes his ticket machine and bops the lad over the head, killing him. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

He gets his job back and puts the whole incident behind him. Until one day, a little old lady gets on the bus and starts to pay for a ticket in one cent coins. After about 10 minutes of fiddling with change, the conductor runs out of patience and bops the old lady on the head, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

After getting his job back again, life seems to go well for the conductor, until one day a young lady gets on the bus, casually putting her feet on the seat opposite. By now, the conductor is a little less lenient than in years gone by, so he takes his ticket machine and bops her over the head with it, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards ar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodAngel1982
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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My uncle is an OG dad, schooling us all

Blatantly stolen from my Uncles Facebook page (link in comments):

Uncle: I'm proud of myself. Instead of goofing off this summer, I chose to go back to school and better myself. I enrolled in a course and have spent the past few weeks in intense study, finally passing the final exam today with a score of 100% - a score that I'm pretty sure they don't see too often. It's not often that I toot my own horn, but this time I think I really deserve it. Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve my goal!

Friend: Congratulations! What subject?

Uncle: It was Traffic School. Speeding ticket. The system wanted me to fail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaSquad1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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When i was 17 i brought my future wife to Prom..

Went to get tickets from the office, waited in line for a while but got sorted.

Had to rent a limo, another line in their office but got one pretty quick.

Remembered I needed flowers, ran to the local florist, this time there was a massive line but they looked after me.

Eventually we got to Prom. Future Wife asks me to get her some punch.

I go to the refreshments table

Theres no punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnrlp2007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
🚨︎ report
You should prebook to see the new Sonic movie.

Tickets are going fast.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubtleLurker
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at the DMV when my wife called.

She asked me, "Are you paying your ticket, or just standing there?"

I told her, "It's a fine line."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WildcardSearch
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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The whole community was shocked when he was arrested

All those unpaid traffic tickets! He was a fine outstanding citizen

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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My dad always says, β€œ50 is the new 40!”

Every day, the cops give him a ticket for speeding.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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A Perfect Joke For Dad Redditors.

So I buy 4 tickets for a football game and I take my pregnant wife, our son, and our daughter. We look for seating, but we can't find our section.

Me: *Thinks to self and looks at tickets*... These tickets are for the section C.

Me: Honey, where's the C section?

Wife: Um, I didn't get one yet.

Me: *Looks below*

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbtehbuild
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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Did you hear about the guy who tried to bring roadkill onto an airplane?

The ticket agent asked him if it was check-in or carrion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MontysBeret
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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My grandad got a police officer pretty good.

He accidently went down a one way road the wrong way as it was recently changed and he didn't realise. A cop saw him and pulled him over.

The cop came up to him, and said, "You do know this is a one way road?"

My grandad responded with, "I know, I'm only going one way!"

They both had a good laugh about it, ticket still issued. :(

πŸ‘︎ 438
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rollers-Royce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2015
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Valet at Disney hotel got me twice.

I called down from my room to have my car brought around. Valet Scott answered the phone and asked for my ticket number. I said "one second" and he goes "One thousand one. TIMES UP!".

I chuckled, and continued digging through my wallet. After a moment I said "Just bear with me"

He immediately goes "ROAAAAAR!!"

πŸ‘︎ 512
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2015
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my Dad asked me to make a custom parking ticket..

not a joke per se but seems like a pretty Dad'ish plan to surprise his friends with such a devious ticket! 😲

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakonthru
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Channeling The Beatles

So my wife and eldest daughter are in the dining room and I’m in the kitchen. They are talking about parking a car at school, and getting the ticket that allows this from the office. I step into the room:

Me: β€œYou guys are talking about a ticket to park?”

Kid: β€œYeah”

Me: β€œBut I thought Paul McCartney said it was a ticket to ride...”

Wife: β€œShut up dear”

I look at the kid and point to my wife:

β€œShe don’t care.....”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trazom28
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently bumped into someone at the movie theater...

He told me, β€œwatch the fuck out man!”

I walked up to the ticket counter and asked him when β€œthe fuck out man was playing”, but there sadly weren’t any showings in the area.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeetyK
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Talking to a conductor at the train station

Background: Where I live, we have these little plastic cards instead of tickets to get on trains. You load it up with money electronically and then "touch on" at the train station and "touch off" when you get off at your destination. The other day I touched on at the station. Shortly after arriving, the meeting I had been going to got postponed. So I touched off. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't been charged for sitting in the station for five minutes so I went up to the ticketing booth.

Me: Is there anyway for me to check the balance of this online or something?

Conductor: Oh, no need. I can do that for you!

He takes the card, places it on the end of his finger, and holds it up to his eyes.

Conductor: Yep, perfectly balanced!

I think he was surprised by how funny I found this.

πŸ‘︎ 373
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChoozeGooze
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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Traffic ticket in Atlanta

Watch out while driving through Atlanta, Ga. I hit a seagull, it flipped off my windshield and hit the cop car behind me. He pulled me over and ticketed me.

Whatever you do, don't flip the bird to the cops in Georgia.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flaspike
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2015
🚨︎ report
A guy goes to his school dance...

...He could hear from the music and the roar of all the people, it sounded like it was going to be a lot of fun so he got in line to buy a ticket. Once inside he ran into Sally, whom he'd had a massive crush on since grade 3, seven long years ago. They danced up a storm all night, and he felt like tonight was going to "end well". 10 or 15 songs later they had worked up quite a thirst. They meandered over to the drink table and asked the guy in front of them if this was the line to get a drink, and he replied "That's right, this is the punchline".

πŸ‘︎ 349
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanadianGuy116
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2013
🚨︎ report
My daughter is a huge fan of The Arctic Monkeys

But she wasn't such a fan of my joke.

(If they ever make a tour stop within 250 miles, I think I now owe her concert tickets...)

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeckoDeLimon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
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β€œJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œJudge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!

πŸ‘︎ 938
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets.”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Sure. I want to contest half of my parking tickets!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the dog arrested?

He had unpaid barking tickets.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aweapingangel
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œJudge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!!

πŸ‘︎ 291
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
🚨︎ report
The police just showed up at my neighbor’s house and arrested their dog...

Apparently he has to many unpaid barking tickets.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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β€œJudge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are firemen balls bigger than policemen balls.....

....... β€˜cos they sell more tickets.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
The ultimate joke

A guy takes his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. the rental line is really long, but eventually he does it. He goes to buy her flowers, the line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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