My son and I are very immature when he is sitting on the toilet.

I asked him:

If you pooped up into the air, would it be skyarrhea?

If you pooped after eating a pastry, would it be piearrhea?

If you pooped in the middle of the grocery store, would it aislearrhea?

If your poop was painful, would it be cryarrhea?

If you couldn't poop, would your friend ask you to just tryarrhea?

If you didn't actually have to poop, but said you did, would it be liearrhea?

If you were a scientist who had to take a poop, would it be Bill Nyearrhea?

If you pooped in an airplane, would it by flyarrhea?

If you pooped while working for a secret government agency, would it be spyarrhea?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Led Zeppelin have record sales in China last year.

Because the government declared a rock down.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grahamdv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the best bit about a Covid cake?

It'll never run out as the Government is always adding new tiers.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tgcow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Curious

A guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The Census Bureau...

...finally, a government agency that counts!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blur410
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of a government would Authors form if given a chance?

An authoritative write winged government.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LaMusicista
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
So I just found out some politicians with bowel problems are unfairly helping other politicians with bowel problems rise to power.

I guess our government has a problem with crohnyism.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/caligari87
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Nineteen Eighty-Four is such a great book

The government should force every student to read it

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PygmeePony
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
So, this is the end.

I was arrested for speaking out of line. I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by our small town government, but despite that, my friends and I have pushed on, resisting our mistreatment and misery. But as you know, I was arrested. Surprisingly, I wasn't jailed or executed. I was beaten. They had us in a row, lines up facing our tormentors. The would-be executioners merely thrust their fists upon us. It was brutal. While there, I though to myself, "Huh, I guess this is the punchline."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
During the Polish-Swedish war, Sweden conquered the city of Bydgoszcz and renamed it as Bromberg.

Bromberg later became part of the Kingdom of Prussia, changed hands a few more times (including a short period of Napoleonic rule), before it finally became Polish again after World War I. The Polish government reinstated the old name of the city, deciding to let Bydgoszcz be Bydgoszcz.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jolindbe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I was fired from my cozy government job for wearing a tank top.

I forgot that you’re not allowed to bring guns on government property.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jrg1281
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
The most expensive diamond in 2017 sold for $71.2 million USD

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
When the yogurt took over, we all made the same jokes

β€œFinally, our rulers will have culture,” β€œOur society has curdled,” β€œOur government is now the cream of the crop,”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the-linx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I was walking with two friend on my way to a new years party

One of them brought up that the government has outlawed really loud fireworks My other friend said: "Really? I havent heard of those" To which I replied: "That's the point"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Pun

I was talking to my dad about how the government is planning to get rid of the penny and I said " is makes sense"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sonbramain
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Need some help. Life's been difficult.

My family/town has socially alienated me for my sexuality. This has lead to quite a couple of problems, as you could imagine.

I've been behind on my taxes for quite a bit and it was only a matter of time before the government found out. They've been having a field day confiscating all my belongings.

That leaves me on the street.

I make enough money panhandling and doing under the table stuff to get me food every day and even enough to pay for an unlimited data plan, which I'm using to write this.

I need support. I can't continue on like this.

Life's not easy.

Especially if you're a homelessexual like me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PsychedOutToast
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Romaine Calm

Romaine calm. The government did not Caesar vegetables. They will lettuce know what's going on soon. That's salad o' panic over what may be just a coincidence. If it's a false alarm somebody's going to get a dressing down. E. Coli like I see it.*

*So many puns in such bad taste. Too Soonβ„’?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is the IRS always tired?

Taking money for the government is taxing

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blackbird611
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
*knock knock* "Who's there?"

"Pun-patrol! You s-pun around on your chair way beyond government regulations!"

"I can't help it! I'm pun-sexual!"

"Sir, o-pun the door or we will have to use force!"

"Stay back! I have a hostage! I don't care if my crimes will ever get ex-pun-ged!"

"Lay down your wea-pun! Face your pun-ishment!"

"Sir, I just arrived and can confirm, he has a Pun-da!"

"Thank god for your pun-ctuality! This changes everything! Now go and pun-ch down the door!"

crashing noises

"Sir! We have fumes! God, what is this pun-gent smell??"

"Ahaha, you ran into my trap! Now die, Pun-k!"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

silence

"No time for com-pun-ction. Come, S-pun-ky, we need to leave. Let's head for Pun-ama."

EDIT: formatting.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/D0tBlue
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
There was man named Demitri who lived in Russia....

Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.

Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.

One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.

Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it happened again. He was drunk and crashed the train this time killing 8 people. He was again sentenced to death by the electric chair. He once again requested a banana. This time executioner really soaked the sponge to not risk a repeat. When the lever was pulled Dimitri was again left unharmed. Once again it was concluded to be another act of God and he was given his freedom.

Dimitri turned to the bottle even more especially having 18 lives gone because of him. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. It happened again though. This time, 23 people. The courts angry sentenced him one more time to death by electric chair.

When the time for his final meal came he requested another banana. The guards being very visibly upset over the situation denied his request and he was left no last meal. As the time approached and he was strapped to the chair. The executioner had a large grin ready to take this murderous man off Earth. When he pulled the lever however he was still left unharmed.

Furious the executioner cried, "How are you still alive?! You did not eat the banana!"

Dimitri shook his head and simply said, "Oh no officer the banana is not why I'm still alive. It's because I'm a terrible conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jms199456
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Blaming a problem on a single variable is intellectually dishonest and stupid

However it's definitely the government's fault that people think this way.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOmerAngi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Need an ark? I Noah guy

Need a government administration for the ocean and atmosphere? I NOAA guy.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tsz3290
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Piggybacked on the captain's dad joke.

Family and I went on a fancy boat tour of a local rich lake. The captain provided a running narrative over the intercom about the history of the houses, etc.

Captain: You'll notice all the piers look the same on the lake. There's no law governing that, everyone just agrees they should use the same color and materials. Some might call that "pier pressure."

Crowd: (groans)

Me: I think we need to dock him some points for that one...

Wife: (groans and pretends not to know me)

πŸ‘︎ 173
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
🚨︎ report
A little history...

In the late '60s the government was developing ARPANET and the developers were trying to find a way for users on the system to communicate with each other.

The scientists involved came up with an electronic messaging system that they called the Tickle.

Tickles could be used to send important code updates, meeting invitations, or even just little jokes all along the network.

The DOD heard about these Tickles and asked for a briefing to determine their military potential. At a high-level meeting of generals and admirals, the lead developer presented the Tickle concept.

The ranking General asked for a demonstration and the lead scientist said "Sure, I'll send you a test Tickle."

And that's how E-mail was born.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SkipperMcGoo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Two livestock farmers were sat in the pub arguing over the government’s upcoming ban on exporting live animals...

The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....

The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.

Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

β€œThis time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.

The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says β€œdeal”.

The beef farmer carries on:

β€œActually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.

The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says β€œdeal”.

12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.

Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

β€œWell, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...

So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Like every good citizen, I like to pay my taxes with a smile.

Unfortunately the government only accepts checks.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
🚨︎ report
The villagers wanted to build a water reservoir to fight the dry season...

Sadly the government didn't give a dam.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RichardPath_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Which organization controls sleeping?

The Bederal Government!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bundisimo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the riots on Mars?

The government declared Martian Law.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2017
🚨︎ report
There was an earthquake in Washington DC the other day...

It was obviously the government's fault.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
🚨︎ report
I told my Dad that I accidentally burnt a tea-towel while cooking

His response: Why? Was it an act of protest?

Me: What?

Him: Were you protesting against a Tea-Towelitarian government?

I've never been prouder to be his son

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kevinbaconjames
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
🚨︎ report
My 87 year old grandpa has still got it

We were talking about the government shutdown when he said....

"Well congress tried to move the bill through the house but they couldn't budget."

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joeltrane
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2013
🚨︎ report
My Dad emailed me this joke this evening

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this

for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's

not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.

"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aznatheist620
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
🚨︎ report
My boss dropped this one in status yesterday...

We were discussing how July 3rd is the Observed Holiday for Independence Day this year.

Co-worker: I just don't get that...

Boss: It's so all of the government workers have a day off... and so mailmen don't go postal

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maoore
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad just e-mailed me a list of definitions:
  1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

  2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

  3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

  4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

  5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

  6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

  7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

  8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

  9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

  10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

  11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

  12. PARADOX: Two physicians

  13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

  14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

  15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

  16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

  17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

  18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

  19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

  20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SnideRemarkDept
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.