E Amusement Puns

They deemed it cool and amusable pun-ishment

An Edgar Alan Doe

Not sure if this is mine or I read it somewhere, it is in my notes of when I wanted to 'Become a Comedian'. Either way, found it amusing.

I guess you could say he was easel-y amused!

This was actually a reverse Dad joke.

Dad and I were riding in his car maybe 20 years ago, and we started talking about "The royal 'we'". As in the statement "We are not amused".

• Dad: "Do you think the queen ever uses the word "I"?"

• Me: "Aye."

Cue a beaming proud dad face.

I must have done this stupid joke with the studfinder to my wife about a 100 times now and yet it still amuse me every time. Am I just simple? Also don't worry my studfinder definitely still works just tested it

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.

Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Not amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:

"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"

I told him, "you shouldn't trip over a breaker...

It's a real turn off."

He was not amused.

I went to an amusement park yesterday based on the Underworld. I had a hell of a time.

I am a construction manager, and a couple years ago my boss asked me to go meet a new subcontractor who we had never worked with before. When he arrived to the site he had a younger guy with him. He walks over and says "Hi, my name is Ron Anderson, and this is my son, Ron". I couldn't stop myself. I looked this stranger dead in the eye and said "Well, you know, two Ron's don't make a right!".

Neither he nor his son were amused. But they still did the work. Honestly, though, how many times in your life are you actually going to get the chance to say that. Carpe diem.

Technically our cannon "shoots eats and leaves".

(As in the oxford comma panda assassin... that "eats, shoots, and leaves")

Anyway I've waited years for someone to appreciate this .... and it has never happened so far. I hope you are slightly amused....

she asked ”where would you do that?” I replied with ”the sky”

(Best joke I've told in my life but for some reason she didn't seem amused.)

Being 6’1” I informed her that I would be home tall’ly. She was not amused. I was. You could hear the disappointment drip out of the phone. Victory

My wife and I were doing a bit of roleplay in the bedroom. I had just handcuffed her to the bedhead when we heard one of the kids turning the door handle. I quickly threw the covers over the both of us and in walked my 7 year old son. He noticed the handcuffs, went really quiet and had this confused look on his face. After 15 seconds or so he asked my wife why she was handcuffed to the bed. She blushed and had to come up with a lie on the spot. She stammered out that daddy was just practicing with the handcuffs for his new job as a policeman and that my son should just go back into the lounge room and watch some TV.

A few weeks later I was asked to careers day at my son's school. My son stood up with me in front of the class and proudly announced his daddy was a policeman and that I lock up baddies. I didn't want to embarass him so I just played along. It turns out I was the one who was about to be embarassed. One of the kids asked if my son had ever seen me at work. My son said no but that he had seen me practicing using handcuffs on his mom. It went right over the kids heads but the teacher was very amused and couldn't stop giggling. I guess my wife and I would have been the hot topic in the staff room that day.

Hey, if you have time to TEEN, you have time to clean!

She was horrified, but wife was amused. Win win.

My butler won't be amused though.

I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.

You are tasked with making an advertisement for an amusement park, however you want to make it to STOP people from coming to the carnival... I'm curious to see your advertisements, also try to keep the jokes under 50 words.

So I started doing my best human beatbox impersonation.

"Yo! Yo! Presents in da hizzzzzzz!"

She wasn't as amused as I was.

I asked if it would be ok if they gathered their swords instead. She was not amused.

"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.

Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.

To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.

And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!

Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.

My girlfriend and I opened a new pack of pre-sliced cheese. As we’re munching, I hold my mouth in pain and say “Ow!” She asked what was wrong and I said, “Well no wonder my mouth hurts, the package says this is extra sharp cheddar.” She was not amused

So we walked inside of a Tim Hortons...

GF: What do you want to order?

Me: No idea, what sounds good?

GF: I want a raisin bagel. Do you like raisin bagels?

Me: I don't know, I've never raised a bagel before.

She wasn't amused.

I ask for his name. He says it’s Dasani. I said, ”water you here for?” He didn’t look amused. I said, “hey bud no need to keep your emotions bottled up.”

This last weekend we went to an amusement park. Everything we went through the little things that spray water on you, my 9 year old would say, "Mist me." Every single time. My wife and daughter's reaction became more and more aggravated, but I felt pretty good about it.

They were not amused. (Link)

A while ago, my daughter told me she was into fan fiction. I told her I used to be as well, but I changed to air conditioner fiction... because it was cooler.

She was not amused.

I have now created a subreddit called r/AirConditionerFiction

If you have the time and the desire, drop by and leave a short work of fiction regarding air conditioning. If this is successful, I will give my daughter a link and wait to see her facial expression. I will also prepare for being put in a less-then-stellar retirement home.

I been fooling around with this girl who's 5'9" and 110lbs.

Me: I don't understand how you're so skinny; we both eat the same unhealthy garbage

Her: It's hereditary, everyone in my family is real skinny.

Me: So I guess you've got skinny genes!

I laughed hysterically. She was mildly amused.

I'm a waitress and this one got dropped on me today when a family of 5 came in. They had previously stated they were in a hurry so brought them the check and said (i should probably mention that I have a very southern accent) 'I know y'all are rushin' so-' the dad cut me off with 'No, we're Americans.' His kids and wife were not amused and I just busted up laughing and high fived him. Anyway, I thought you guys would enjoy it.

Daughter: Do you know what my favorite kind of bird is?

Me: Cockatiels? (my educated guess since we have two)

Daughter: No, it's an owl.

Me: Who?

Daughter: An owl.

Me: Who?

Daughter: AN OWL!

Me: Who? (while laughing)

Daughter: Daddy... (finally catches on, but not amused)

I waved at it as I walked by and replied "Bye-Biscus"

If her audible groan was not satisfaction enough, the amused chuckle of the older gentleman walking in the other direction certainly was.

Me: Is it feet?

She's never amused. It's usually a small pebble or a piece of tree bark or something.

BACKGROUND: I'm a sleep technologist and there's an intercom connecting my office to the patients' rooms. They call out when they need something (eg. blanket, bathroom visit, etc.)

Patient calls out, "Hey, what time is it out there?" so I replied "Probably the same time it is in there, why?"

The patient was too sleepy to be amused but it made me laugh.

http://imgur.com/ksB8cST she had to replace her phone and lost all her contacts...she posted "I need numbers.I lost all of my contacts.", so I replied "can't you just wear your glasses?!"... she wasn't as amused by my joke as I was.

Mom: "Did you know that grapes can kill dogs?"

Dad: "You'd have to throw them pretty hard..."

My mom was not amused, but I was losing it haha

(True Dad Joke Story)

My friend and I were coming back from golfing on what felt like the hottest day of the year when he got a flat tire on the freeway. We get out, sweat our butts off, and change the tire. I wasn’t sure how far we could go on the spare and I called my dad to see what he thought...

ME: “How far can we get on a donut?”

DAD: “Hmmm I’d probably say till lunch time!”

Needless to say I was not amused at the time - my dad thought he was a genius.

Apparently my son is the ultimate dad joker, as his instant reply was my hair. Much to the amusement of his mother and brother. For me the game was over and done with... 😂

So my fiancée came home from work earlier this week, clearly upset. I asked what was wrong and she went on to tell me about how she accidentally ran over a duck.

In an attempt to comfort her, my compassionate and empathetic self responds with, "well I guess it's safe to say the duck suffered from a quacked skull huh?"

She was not amused.

Species Pieces.

Every time I come up with one of these, I am simultaneously amused and extremely upset with myself.

... And her husband suggested she move her desk into the corner because it's always 90 degrees.

She was not as amused as he was.

And when my girlfriend showed her piece, he scolded and critiqued her...In defense of my girlfriend I quickly shouted, "Hey, that's where I draw the line! You need to easel up on my girlfriend!"

He wasn't amused.

Me: hey dad wanna go fishing?

Dad: sure

Me: do you have worms?

Dad: yep, but I'm going fishing anyways

He can't help himself, and it's still amusing after 20 years

Was at my friends cabin helping him ready the boat to go out on the lake. Friend: "Looks like we're in good shape" Me: "Yeah, ship shape"

He was not amused.

First day of summer vacation, pack up the family and bring them to Canobie Lake Park, a local amusement park.

We all get on the Ferris Wheel and the listen to the instructions:

Operator: "Please keep you arms and legs in the cart at all times, remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop and please NO ROCKING!"

Me: "Awwww man, I was just abut to crank some AC/DC"

My family and the family in line behind us: ::audible groans::

I was in line for a ride at an amusement park with my family and boyfriend, when my dad saw a sign just like this one http://imgur.com/3dGi1hU.

He takes one look at it, and without speaking directly to anyone in my family he says "Miracles this way? Must be one hell of a ride."

Then he just looked at me with the biggest smirk on his face, like he had just said the funniest thing anyone could ever say. I love that man.

So my sister asked me to call her cell phone, so i of coarse said "here cell phone here come out cell phone". She then yelled at me and said "nooooooo use your cell phone to call mine", i said "yes of coarse how silly of me". I then went to get my cell phone, i then made a recording of my self calling for her cell phone, i proceeded to go back to her and play it. My sister was not amused and i laughed to hard.

Told my wife this one his morning. She was not amused....

Me: Did you hear about the guy that died at Proctor and Gamble?

Her: No, what happened?

Me: Yeah he was at the lotion storage tanks I guess and he fell in and drowned because they couldn’t get him out.

Her: That sounds awful, what a terrible way to die.

Me: Yeah I guess what they say is true about this all.

Her: What?

Me: A body in lotion tends to stay in lotion

Her: ................. I’m serving you papers after that.......