Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows
TIL some antelope can jump higher than the average house.
This is due to their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Every morning I leave my house and get hit by a bicycle,
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house
He did every other thing on the list
Son to me: hey daddy! What do you call a bug that's not in your house?
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your house calmly.
Because communication is the key.
Here's a joke my daughter just told me, so proud of her! A guy walked into a house when the owners were home. He pulled out a gun and shot them in the head, but no one died. Why not?
Because they were in the living room.
Why is leather the best clothing to wear when breaking into a house?
Because it is made out of hide.
My neighbour's house burned down after they left their Halloween pumpkin burning all night.
They claimed insurance but it was rejected: apparently it was an Act of Gourd.
My ex-wife called to tell me that “my son” was arrested for setting a house on fire.
I secretly put up an electric fence around my house without telling anybody.
The whole family is in shock.
What did the Mexican say when a house fell over him?
My wife is always cold in our house.
So I told her to stand in the corner because it’s always 90 degrees.
John Maynard Keynes opposed the creation of the London Marathon.
He thought we'd all die in the long run.
I started a ship building business inside my house
Sails are through the roof
My house is infested with bees
So I went to the store to find something to get rid of them. Not knowing anything I picked out a bottle of raid and I asked the worker if it was any good for bees to which he replied “not at all it kills them”
A kid lights his house on fire.
Dad: putting arm around his wife, both tearing up That's arson!
In Texas it's illegal to serve pie without ice cream.
As a matter of Texan pride; remember the à la mode.
The police turned up at my house last night and arrested my dog!
Turns out he has unpaid barking tickets
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
I spent a lot of time, money and effort child-proofing my house.
But the kids still get in.
How does a Londoner get to Endor?
Ewoks.
(Stole punchline from a comment by u/AnonDooDoo )
What kind of tree comes from your mouth?
you know what the best part about a house with a septic tank is?
you get to own your own business.
What kind of house does a mathematician live in?
After the house bug extermination, the 10 remaining ants started paying rent to let them live in the house
What’s a house painter’s favorite bond film...?
So my son bought his first house. It was a fixer-upper that needed a new roof. He had to skimp on the lumber 🪵.
Dad turns to me after hearing a ambulance flying past the house.
'He's not going to sell many ice-creams driving that fast!"
It was raining cats and dogs last night and someone told you as you left the house,
"Watch out, you might step in a Poodle!"
My neighbor's house doesn't have any numbers on its door or mailbox
and I just feel like that's something that needs to be addressed.
Somebody broke into my house and only stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot.
I don't know how they sleep at night.
Why did the baseball player leave to go to his moms house in the middle of the game?
I always wondered how Wonder woman travelled from Themyscira to London in 1 day...
I then realized she's an amazon, so she gets next day shipping
I live next to the rubbish dump and have a huge fly problem, the bloody things are everywhere. It's gotten so bad I've decided to sell my house and move...
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
I finished childproofing the house
But they still manage to get back in.
A White House Staffer Almost Walked in on Press Secretary Jen Psaki using the restroom.
How does an Eskimo build his house ?
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
Thousands of people are waiting outside of Nadame Tussauds in London
They are waiting to get waxinated...
Edit: misspelled Madame, but can't change the title
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
My kid said the house is so cold.
I told him to go stand in the corner to warm up. It's 90 degrees.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
