Me: Hey [friends name] What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

My friend: If you say an addictionary, I’m gonna punch you in the face.

Me: I was gonna say high definition, but yours even better!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zax317
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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If there was a drug called Jesus, you'd literally be taking the Lord's name in vein.

I'm honestly so sorry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mister_Veritas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2014
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Did you hear about the new injectable drug named "Blasphemy"?

It lets you take Christ's name in vein.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, β€œHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, β€œTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. β€œWell, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

β€œNo, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

β€œWell, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. β€œHer name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

β€œBatteries?” cried the wife.

β€œYes,” he replied. β€œShe sells C cells by the Seashore.”

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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What would you name your boat?

If I had a boat I'd name it Dylan, because of all the drug Dylan I'd have to do to afford it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brohymn1416
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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Cal the burglar

So a guy named cal has been breaking into homes and putting bricks in washing machines, turning them on so they would get wrecked. he took some drugs and was found dead one morning, looks like washing machines will live longer with cal-gone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HDxZOMBIEXx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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Two for the price of one!

Me: What do you call a drug dealer that ran out of drugs?

Girlfriend: (pauses for a few seconds) what?

Me: have you ever met someone named what? That's just ridiculous!

Girlfriend: (rolls eyes) fine, then I don't know what's he called?

Me: well if he ran out of drugs most people would say he is crackalackin!!

Moans were had but I got two for the price of one!

EDIT: some grammir

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kyleisthestig
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2014
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