Drive Slow Puns

Amish people give us the finger.

and turn off those flashing blue lights on your car. They look RIDICULOUS

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.

He asks the driver whats wrong.

Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"

but I'm slowly getting over them

Found this on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says “What do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks “better humour him” so says “ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says “No Sir, I said “What do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

Dad - you can tell a train just came through here

Me - oh how?

Dad - there's it's tracks!

Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.

After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!

Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.

"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"

The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.

Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"

The saleswoman says sure and asks why.

The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"

So it's my dad and i, sitting the the car, he was driving and i was in the passenger seat. All of a sudden he seemed to slow down a little as if he was giving way to someone turning in. however there where no cars, and i could see him glaring out of the window at what seemed to be the nicest pair of jugs id ever seen. anyway i got pretty pissed and asked him what the hell he is doing? to which he replied : "Its ok to look at the menu, As long as you eat at home son"... i laughed so hard at this, and i'm pretty sure he wanted to make it obvious to "teach me some sort of lesson".

anyway thats my little bit of humor, not that anyone will probably care !

These are some of the practical jokes my dad would do while driving to "entertain" us:

1. Driving slow next to a jogger, turning down the window and asking "You seem to be in a hurry. Need a lift?" I would usually hide under a seat in shame.

2. On a hot day in a car without AC, he'd use the standard question "Hot enough for everyone?" which just gave him groans and a loud "yes". - "Well, in this case I can turn down the thermostat again". (Of course, he'd just been turning it up right before his question without anyone noticing)

3. Instead of driving right in a roundabout and taking the third exit, he'd drive left and take the first "to save gas", creeping the shit out of everyone. This was out on the countryside with no cars anywhere to be seen.

Any other stories you guys have?

Was driving next to a dense forest on the highway, when I spotted a family of deer. Naturally, I slowed down and when I passed them I said, "Hi deer!"then I turned to the ladyfriend and said "Hi dear!"

Got an eye roll and a smile.

I quickly replied with "you know that was fawny" which got me punched in the arm.

But at least they drive slow through school zones....

it was raining pretty steadily and he was driving really slow. he apologized and said, "sorry. i'm just worried about deer. i don't have time for these rain deer games."

Dad: "You'll never believe what happened to me today driving home!"

Me: "What?"

Dad: "Well, I was driving down a back road home from work. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was still shining, a slight breeze was rustling the trees, and all the leaves had changed colors. Yellow, orange, red... just a gorgeous view. I was doing about 55, not a car in sight, when I come around a bend and see a cop car parked on the side of the road. I slowed down, but tried not to slow down so quickly that it would be obvious. I carefully drove up past the cop, being extra careful to stay centered within the lines and maintaining my lower speed. It looked like I was all clear, but then from out of nowhere a turkey jumped out in front of my car! I didn't even have a chance to brake!"

Me: "Jeez that's crazy!"

Dad: "I know! It hit the front of my car, rolled up over the windshield and did a somersault before landing directly onto the hood of the officer's car. He immediately turned on his lights and pulled me over and gave me a ticket."

Me: "What?? But that's not your fault! It was the turkey! What did he even give you a ticket for?"

Dad: "He gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird. Hahahaha!"

Me: -___-

I'm constantly dadding my fiancé with bad dad jokes. Recently she's been upping her game.

Driving through the city, the song "With or Without You" comes on the radio.

It starts kind of slow, so I ask "Is this U2?"

Fiancé replies "No."

The song picked up a bit and I quickly realized that it was in fact U2.

Me: "Yeah it is, see?!?"

Fiancé: "I don't sing this song!"

Me: groan

We were talking about her weird neighbors, as she was watching them drive by slowly

Me: they're just weird because they're Russian

Her: they're not Russian they're slow

Mom: "He's going so slow, why don't they just pull in front of him?"

Me: "if it's grand theft auto they might be worried he's armed."

Dad: "Well of course he's armed."

Me: "How can you be sure?"

Dad: "Well he can't drive with no arms!"

When I was a kid, and my parents would drive me somewhere, we often had to take a road that had a bunch of brothels by the side. It's not a dirty neighbourhood or anything, just a fairly busy street between two cities. One time, my dad slowed down, and started waving at the ladies in the brothels.

I saw him waving and tried to see what he was waving at. "Look son, all these ladies know me", he said. And indeed, all these barely clothed ladies standing in these houses with flashy lights were waving right back at him. I was completely in aww of him! When I asked him who those ladies were he wouldn't answer, he'd only say: "oh, just good friends". He did that the next couple of times we passed that road and it took me a few years to figure out what was going on.

Nobody drives that slow!

If you've ever been to a hospital that has valet service, you know that they can sometimes drive like jerks.

So my dad and I were driving up the parking ramp to our parking space for an appointment (valet service is optional at this hospital), and one of the valet drivers was riding our ass the whole way. I said, "Damn, this guy in the Lincoln needs to slow down." My dad responded, "The valets here all drive like jerks." As we reached the parking spot the guy pretty much blew past. So then I chimed in with "You'd think people at a hospital would be more patient." And my dad just replied with a groan and a "gee whiz."

Driving down a remote country road...

Wife: Hey, there is an otter over there!! (pointing out her window)

Me: Well I otter [ought to] go back and take a look!

Followed by a mixture of groans, facepalms, and slow clap from kids and wife.

My little sister just got a new computer but found it slow, so she asked our dad: Dad? How can I make my computer go faster? Dad: I can take you out for a drive, and make that thing go 120! followed by hysterical laughing from himself, and me Note: 120 kmh

My sister was slowing down and causing a backup while she was learning to drive. He got impatient with her and said

"THIS ISN'T A DEMOCRACY, YOU CAN'T VOTE TO SLOW DOWN."

Dad: "So how is the whole marijuana thing going out there?"

Me: "Frustrating, everybody drives slow, prolly cause they're stoned. There's a ton of traffic all the time."

Dad: "Well that's a.......drag HAHAHAHA"

I could hear the knee slap over the phone.

We were driving somewhere, and suddenly Mom says, mock seriously, "You know what you're supposed to do when you see a goose in the road?"

Me: "Slow down?"

Mom: "Honk."

My dad and I were driving to pick up some pizza the other day, and drove by the local community college. They have one of those new HD billboards, which was flashing garish advertisements for their classes and programs.

"That's a terrible sign," my dad remarked.

"Yeah, those things are distracting and annoying," I agreed. "The things flash too fast for you to really read it, and the color contrast makes it hard to read while you're driving late at night. It's not like the sign in front of my school at all (I'm a teacher). My school has slow transitions and clear lettering that makes things easy to read. It's what makes our billboard auspicious."

My dad frowned. He could tell something was coming. "Why's yours auspicious?"

"Because it's a good sign."

There's a Russian fellow that lives in Beaver. His name is Urin Pavlovic. Today he was headed north and I was behind him. He started driving slow and erratic. Now I'll have to talk to my doctor. I had a problem passing Urin.

Found this gem on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says “What do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks “better humour him” so says “ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says “No Sir, I said “What do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”