Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
If there is one genre of music that raises me up on some days and gets me down other days
You know, I'm sure wherever my Dad is right now, he's looking down on me..
He's not dead by the way, just very condescending.
Guy gets pulled over for running a stop sign. He says to the cop “give me a break man, I slowed down.” The cop starts beating on the guy and says...
“So... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?”
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
When I joined the local Grammar Nazi Party, they gave me their logo to put on my car. It's an upside-down, lower-case "e."
You know, a schwa sticker.
The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car...
They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly...
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...
When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.
Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said “where does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”
I respond, “it’s my high knee.”
Dad says, “it’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”
I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.
The other day I was walking down the street and I commented that I like someone’s spunky shoes. 10 minutes later I passed her again and she gave me a $5 bill she found on the ground.
That’s karma in real life
I once tried to drive my Toyota Corolla with a stick shift on the Autobahn, but German authorities flagged me down and informed me that was illegal...
So I drove down the manualbahn instead.
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...
“I guess it’s probably the wrong time.”
As I was walking down the street, an old man came up to me and explained all the benefits of dining on meals with mint derived from sub-shrub herbs...
I thanked him for the sage advice but went on about my business.
My son asked me the secret on staying down-to-earth
"Well, I mean, gravity"
Edit: Credits to Keanu Reeves, the father of action movies ;)
The only thing that goes down on me
My doctor told me to cut down on sodium
…but I always take his advice with a grain of salt.
On my wedding day my dad sat me down and had "the talk" with me
Dad: Son, you will have to make a choice now. You can be right, or you can be happy. But you cannot be both.
I think for a moment
Me: but ever since I can remember, you are always wrong.
Dad: exactly.
As we were heading out the door, my son plopped down on the floor, hoisted both of his feet into the air, looked up at me and screeched, "Daddy, put my shoes on please!"
I looked down at him and chuckled, “I think my feet are too big.”
"Let me down! Let me down!" Laughed my son as I ran around with him on my shoulders
So I left the next day and haven't been back
I left home for medical school down in the caribbean. My dad said if I ever get lonely, I'll always have someone to talk to on the island, and he gave me this.
I didn't know someone had watered down the soap until it Dawned on me.
I’ve been reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s just impossible for me to put down!
No bread for my sammich. Wife tells me to write it down on the shopping list.
Alrite, but I dont think thats going to help.
http://imgur.com/a/DvSOz
Wife: Ha.... Ha....
I was watching a movie tonight, when this popped up. This had me DOWN on the floor laughing and UP in knots.
13 yr old me on vaca with Dad: "Dad, why is that man running down the tracks?"
I'm sure my old dad is looking down on me
He's not dead, just really condescending.
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from my high school keep flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all my embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
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