Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down Calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.
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︎ Mar 10 2022
Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
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︎ May 31 2021
I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me
The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:
"If you go to carriage 4, you can get a guinness, you idiot. You can also find a stella in carriage 6, dumbass. There's also someone microbrewing in the front of the train, but he looks stupid."
I was a bit taken aback at how mean Olf was, but I thanked him for the information. Soon after, when he got up to go to the bathroom, I asked Sven what the deal was with his friend.
"Don't worry" he said.
"Rude Olf the red knows train beer."
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︎ Dec 25 2021
Don't go down on me...
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︎ Aug 20 2021
Today I was reaching for a board game from our shelf. The one on top of the pile quickly slid down and hit me in the face. It was that game where you go around in a car and add family members, choose a career, have kids, etc.
A painful reminder that LIFE comes at you fast.
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︎ Jul 14 2021
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
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︎ Feb 21 2021
When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.
Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said βwhere does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?β
I respond, βitβs my high knee.β
Dad says, βitβs your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!β
I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I canβt wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.
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︎ Jun 25 2018
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
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︎ Jan 09 2021
I'm sure my old dad is looking down on me
He's not dead, just really condescending.
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︎ Jul 18 2020
Guy gets pulled over for running a stop sign. He says to the cop βgive me a break man, I slowed down.β The cop starts beating on the guy and says...
βSo... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?β
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︎ Sep 19 2020
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
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︎ Sep 05 2020
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
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︎ Aug 31 2020
When I joined the local Grammar Nazi Party, they gave me their logo to put on my car. It's an upside-down, lower-case "e."
You know, a schwa sticker.
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︎ Jun 26 2020
My doctor told me to cut down on sodium
β¦but I always take his advice with a grain of salt.
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︎ Sep 24 2016
The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car...
They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly...
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︎ May 25 2020
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...
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︎ May 23 2020
The other day I was walking down the street and I commented that I like someoneβs spunky shoes. 10 minutes later I passed her again and she gave me a $5 bill she found on the ground.
Thatβs karma in real life
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︎ May 16 2020
My son asked me the secret on staying down-to-earth
"Well, I mean, gravity"
Edit: Credits to Keanu Reeves, the father of action movies ;)
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︎ May 22 2019
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...
βI guess itβs probably the wrong time.β
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︎ Feb 03 2020
The only thing that goes down on me
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︎ Feb 07 2019
As we were heading out the door, my son plopped down on the floor, hoisted both of his feet into the air, looked up at me and screeched, "Daddy, put my shoes on please!"
I looked down at him and chuckled, βI think my feet are too big.β
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︎ Nov 03 2017
I left home for medical school down in the caribbean. My dad said if I ever get lonely, I'll always have someone to talk to on the island, and he gave me this.
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︎ Sep 18 2013
As I was walking down the street, an old man came up to me and explained all the benefits of dining on meals with mint derived from sub-shrub herbs...
I thanked him for the sage advice but went on about my business.
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︎ Nov 27 2019
On my wedding day my dad sat me down and had "the talk" with me
Dad: Son, you will have to make a choice now. You can be right, or you can be happy. But you cannot be both.
I think for a moment
Me: but ever since I can remember, you are always wrong.
Dad: exactly.
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︎ May 28 2019
"Let me down! Let me down!" Laughed my son as I ran around with him on my shoulders
So I left the next day and haven't been back
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︎ Jun 11 2019
I didn't know someone had watered down the soap until it Dawned on me.
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︎ Jun 09 2017
The other day, for some reason unknown to me, I was pulled over by a local police vehicle. I rolled down my window and placed both hands on the steering wheel and waited. I noticed that the officer approaching the car was a woman...
When she got to the window I asked, "What's the problem officer?"
Her face darkened with anger and she replied, "You don't know?"
I answered, that I didn't.
She asked again, "You honestly don't know?"
I replied, "No ma'am, I have no idea."
Then she angrily replied, "Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you."
With that she turned and stomped angrily back to her car, got in, slammed the door and smoked the tires as she sped away...
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︎ Dec 20 2018
Iβve been reading a book on anti-gravity and itβs just impossible for me to put down!
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︎ Apr 19 2018
No bread for my sammich. Wife tells me to write it down on the shopping list.
Alrite, but I dont think thats going to help.
http://imgur.com/a/DvSOz
Wife: Ha.... Ha....
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︎ Aug 31 2017
My wife said to me "put down your phone, you aren't able to concentrate on more than 1 thing at a time."
I replied "what are you talking about? I'm concentrating on both of your boobs right now."
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︎ May 02 2018
I was watching a movie tonight, when this popped up. This had me DOWN on the floor laughing and UP in knots.
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︎ Nov 06 2013
13 yr old me on vaca with Dad: "Dad, why is that man running down the tracks?"
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︎ Oct 26 2015
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
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︎ Jan 12 2019
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from my high school keep flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
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︎ Dec 08 2019
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
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︎ Jun 11 2019
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all my embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
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︎ Nov 24 2018
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