...but I couldn't pass cowculus.
From the back of the room a Physics professor said, "Yeah, yeah."
As a sole provider they'll likely get you something that's laced.
The fairy of relativity.
I can just never think of anything else to finish them off with
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To see the idiot.
...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The chicken.
First she hit the roof, then the light, then the roof again.
A book mark.
a BOING 747
The bartender gives it to her.
The bartender gave it to me
But in the end I couldn't find three other people to go with.
It’s two Chewie.
Turns out it was his work attire...
He's a boa constructor
I was de-pleated.
It was replete with pleats.
Because it's a no passing zone!
.... I'll show myself out.
One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.
At a restaurant, waitress comes to take our order...
Friend: Yeah, can I have the quesadilla? But I'm not that hungry, is there anyway I can have just one 'dilla' and not the whole case?
I preceded to laugh uncontrollably. The ladies contemplated leaving.
When taking cheese out of the fridge:
Me: "Ouch!"
Brother: "What happened?"
Me: "Nothing, this cheddar is just really sharp."
After waiting for the groan, I threw in "that was pretty much the opposite of cutting the cheese."
Mom walks in
Mom: I have to go to Tuesday Morning to get a new shower curtain.
Dad: But it's Wednesday afternoon? Do you have a time machine?!
Mom: haha you're funny.
Dad: I'm not funny, I'm dad!
....
The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, I remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" my wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
My wife finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to elbow him."
Me, talking to my gang of teenage kids about their day. I asked my oldest son what he was working for the upcoming science olympiad. My son: "We're working on a pendulum." Me: "Must be a lot of back and forth." ACTUAL LAUGHTER! After we settled back down, my son said, "We're also working on objects." I said "Objects?" puzzled. "No Dad! Optics!" "Oh! Optics.....I see. (big grin)" Laughter again! TRIUMPH!
(Insert comment about a joke made by 2 dads here)
Talking with a co-worker when coming home from a conference, she started talking about how "one time this week I had lunch with..." and I cut her off, wondering why she only had lunch once this week. I've had lunch multiple times!
I later felt the need to apologize for my d bdad joke, and she said that her husband and I are very literal people. I agreed, saying we are, in fact, literally people.
My dad and I are in the car driving home from school, and we start talking about amazing talents. Suddenly my dad says Dad: "I can do a double backflip" Me: "No way Dad, this is probably some silly dad joke" Dad: "No seriously I can, I watched an 80 year old woman do it on youtube, I'll bet you on it" Me: "Alright fine, show me when we get home"
We get home. My dad goes to the grass to do his famous double backflip. He jumps in the air. Bends his back a bit. Then behind his back he flips the bird with both hands.
Dad: "I guess you owe me for the bet"
We were sitting chilling on the sofa, watching crap telly, she turned to me and said, "I'm tired".
"Nice to meet you tired, I'm Simon"
She's well used to my shit, so she fixed me with a steely gaze, totally unimpressed, and barked, "You're so funny".
"No, I'm Simon. I just told you that".
I snickered silently to myself as I ducked under the remote control that was thrown -hard- at my head.
Set-up: I'm reviewing an essay for a classmate and his grammar is lamentable. I'm giving my husband some examples.
Me: He switches tenses mid-sentence and keeps using "begin" instead of "began."
Husband: The problem with people like you is that you're always too tense.
Me: Then get over here and give me a massage!
Husband: No, I believe in women's rights and would never want to be massage-onistic.
I was standing in line when I had to sneeze. I sneezed 3 times when an old man came up to me with his wife and said "She thinks you sneezing is funny, but it's snot." Then he said to his wife "He's just trying to make the tissue dance, he put a boogy in it." As a bonus, while I was laughing, the wife groaned and he turned and yelled, " YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR!" Great father's day.
Dad: So a Doc walks into a bar and asks for a Daiquiri. The bartender serves him and the doc says "this is terrible! It tastes like hickory!" The Bartender replies, "Yeah, it's a Hickory Daiquiri Doc!" (like the children's rhyme)
Me: groans
Dad: What was the actual words of it again? I forget.
Me: Hickory Dickory Dock, the mice ran up the clock.
Dad: Oh yeah. Hickory Dickory Dock, the mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one... and the other two escaped with minor injuries.
A couple of weeks ago, we were at home with my husband, having a few drinks at the end of the week and just relaxing. I had a glass of Dr. Pepper in front of me that I mixed with some rum. He came up and asked me if I wanted to grab "something stronger," assuming it was straight Pepper in the glass. I declined, saying that it's already mixed.
Him: "Didn't realize it was already doctored."
Me: "Yup, a doctored Doctor. Gimme the news."
I'll just show myself out. You're welcome for the earworm.
Co-worker: "I can careless about today, but tomorrow will be a different story."
Me: "Well, what if there was a book called Today is Tomorrow? Then it would be."
Coworker: "Fyphoon, that doesn't make any sense."
Me: "Don't worry, I brought change."
Mum: They went up the Space Needle twice? Dad: Well, the first time they couldn't see-at-all. Mum looks puzzled Dad: I'm starting to think you missed the point.
Dad: Is it okay if I borrow your bathroom?
Grandfather: You can. But I'm pretty sure it won't fit in this car.
When asked what he would be having he casually answered "I think I'll try the halibut. Just for the hell of it."
So the Bartender gives it to her
So, I gave it to her.
