He looks at me while heading to the fridge and says, "Hey mum I need ketchup to catch up on these hot dogs"
I laughed for several days and thought I would share it to make someone else smile.
Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"
Man doesn't laugh
Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."
No response
Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"
Nothing
Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"
Doesn't crack a smile
Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"
Clown starts to get nervous
Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"
Blank look
Clown asks: "What is a nun's favorite card game? Old Maid"
Yawn
Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"
Annoyed
Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"
grasping at straws
Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"
He never laughs. Clown gives him his $100 and asks "Did any of my jokes make you laugh?"
Man says "No pun-in-ten-did"
A girl is on an airplane with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don't big planes have baby planes?"The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother.The stewardess asks the girl if her mom told her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that's because Southwest Airlines always pull out on time!"
Me: The dog just dug up a bunch of sand into our food.
Son: Well it issss called a sandwich daddy.
Me: smiles and nods with approval
when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.
One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.
Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on
... keep reading on reddit β‘So this girl Iβve been seeing for a while was at my place. She made a comment about how difficult a dogs life must be... I said βyea, itβs a rough life!β And proceeded to make three or four mor dog puns.
She walks to the Christmas tree, grabs a candy cane and throws it at me (all with a straight face).
Thinking she was mad, I asked what that was for.
She looks up, smiles, and says βIt was your punish-mint.β
One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."
groan.
TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.
edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...
There is an impossible knot in my dog's leash. As I grabbed it to walk the dog I noticed it was no longer there.
Me: Wow you got the knot out! Her: Yup I had to use a screwdriver to loosen it.
I leash up my pup, walk out the door and close it. Suddenly it hits me and I scramble for my keys and I hold up the leash as I burst the door open with a big smile on my face.
Me: It was knot expected! A short pause as figures out what is going on. Her: GET OUT OF HERE!
I spent the whole dog walk giggling to myself.
Me: dad meet my new GF (older, but he has told the same joke for 11 years now...from HS to when I went to the Marine Corps and...now at good college... brought my GF home....still the same Joke) Dad: (as were leaving) remember kids (I'm 27) never pet a burning dog...(I sigh)....and remember outside of a dog a book is a mans best friend (pause ..as always GF turns around with a questionable look on her face)....because inside a dog its too dark to read .... Me: Smile put arm around my GF and just keep walking ..thinking to myself....one day Ill pull this same shit on my kids...one day
I was taking photos of my dog and I tell my dad,
Me - "Everytime the camera went "click" Nate would smile for me"
Dad-"Oh you must have an American camera"
Me-"Uh what?"
Dad-"If it was Asian made it would go "crick""
Oh subtle dad racism
