I already experience some levels of dissociation really often, but I get these moments, daily, where I just wish it was so much more.
It's like a really strong desperation, a need, to not feel anything, not experience anything. I don't want a consciousness, I don't want to experience, I wish I didn't have to be. I posted here just yesterday about nightmares (a flashback?) in my sleep and yeah, sleep is unconsciousness but it's really more of an illusion which breaks if you remember what you dreamt. It's not true pause from experiencing. I just don't want to be aware, at all.
I really think it's some twisted idolizing the moments dissociation has saved me from horrible feelings during trauma before, but even maybe knowing why it doesn't change that it's still there and so strong. I get paralyzed with the want to stop feeling, this happens near daily. Always whenever I experience something emotional too, but even in everyday life as well (although I never go a day without feeling upset even when nothing "happens" so idk).
I really hope I'm making sense. Please, do any of you recognize this? How do you deal with it? I don't feel like I got a good answer when I asked my psychologist about it when I still met her, she just said it sounded like I was suffering. I want to understand what it is, though. I don't even know why I feel this way? What do you think it could be? I'm not even sure if it's an unhealthy wish or not, I'm really stumped.
I've been having this problem for more than a decade now. It has made learning and going to school really difficult. When I look at a piece of paper with words, I see the words, but my vision feels "blurry". It isn't truly blurry because I can see the words perfectly and I can read the words out loud, but there's that sense of blurriness.
It's as though I'm in a fog or a daze. The words are just not going into my brain. It's that feeling of trying to read something when you haven't slept. Except I do sleep just fine. It has resulted in my dropping out of school a gazillion times since I simply cannot concentrate.
I'm exasperated. My doctors have no answers for me. No one knows if it is a result of anxiety or depression or something else. My vision is fine, I've been tested. Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications haven't done anything for me. Please help, has anyone been through something similar? I don't have ADHD either. Is this a form of dissociation? I have tried everything, including trataka which Dr K recommends for focus. I've also tried yoga Nidra. Nothing works.
Really weird but when I pull off an All nighter when I'm tired I feel back to normal and more of myself, been feeling this since 2016 and it's the only time I feel relieved of it
A friend of mine posted some stats about a player (40-yard, etc) and I realized that I didn't have a point of reference on how to evaluate the data. If I knew what the median 40 for his position was, I could work out how many standard deviations he was from that, and work out what percentile he was in. (It would also be fun to know how that compares to the general population, haha.) Is there a good place that aggregates that data for various positions and sports? I'd love to see some stats and just know "ah that puts him in the 99 percentile for vertical jump in his position, impressive." Or "That's better than average, but he's only in the 60 percentile."
Also, I am more interested in these kind of individual attributes. Something like batting average is interesting. But, I worry that the difference in opponents year-to-year would make comparison between years difficult. Correct me if I'm wrong about this?
I've been dealing with a lot of things these last three years. I don't want to go into details, but it really messed up with my mind. I isolated from everyone, and now I feel alone. I even isolated from God. I was listening to a song and I remembered that the last time I listened to that song I was in the "secret place" (as some called them). I want my relationship with God back, but I feel so dissociated from Him. I feel so dissociated from Christianity and my brothers. I loathe with all my heart that Christian lingo and just common Christian advice (i'm sorry if I'm being offensive I just need to vent). It feels so cliché, it feels so dry.
God seems like some kind of phantom I can't hug. Why can't I go and get ice cream with God? Why can't I speak face to face with Him? Everytime I try to think of Him I picture Him sitting on His throne on Heaven but I can't picture Him with me. My prayers seems more like sending WhatsApp audios than talking.
I'm not in a good mental state. Please don't suggest therapist or something like that seriously I tried to get one but I couldn't . It's not that nobody cares, it's just that nobody sees, lol probably no one is going to see this post. I can't feel pain, I feel so miserable
It is constant. It's like one minute I'm seeing what is in front of me and then it fades away and I feel like I've been hit by a tranquilizer dart. Y'know I tried ketamine and it feels like this. They call ketamine a dissociative and that I see why that is the case.
Anyways getting off on a tangent. My dissociation literally makes me feel drugged is my point. It's just so intense. Sometimes, when I'm around people, I sit in my own little dissociative bubble. I hear conversations around me and respond in my head but I don't actually partake in the conversation. I'm never not thinking. Always always just chatting away in my head. Constant and never ending.
I just want it to stop. I didn't realize how often I do this until I started living with my gf and she is always like "are you okay?" And is concerned because she always sees me dissociating.
I want to be connected with my environment but instead I'm always in a hypnotic fog high in the mountains where I can only see glimpses of the world.
Please help. I want to rejoin the world again.
Whenever i feel nauseous, i always feel like im dissociating from reality and my environment, like nothing seems to feel right and not even being around family or friends makes me feel safe.
All of my islands are vertically symmetrical in essentially every way, at least they will be when I finish getting the rares I want/finish fuzing glowbes, etc. For a while, I saw this as the only way of doing things, at least for myself. But I was just wondering about islands being more than just one design on half of the island mirrored.
I have a lot of other ideas, like horizontal symmetry and quarter symmetry, but something I am very interested in is splitting an island (probably vertically) such that the songs are totally different on both sides! Like if you zoom in to either one, it's a drastically different version of the song from the other side. Of course there are probably a lot of limitations to this, but since you can adjust monster volume, I think it's something I want to try out!
Which begs the question, which island do you think would be the best for this and why? I am most willing to try it on cold>ethereal>air>plant, roughly in that order. I'm too attached to the ways my other ones are to change them.
Do you have an island that is not just a vertical mirror of itself? Share it, I'd really like to see!
Please share positive stories of it helping your dissociation. I’m so sick of living like this.
I got triggered earlier, it was only a small thing but we all know small triggers can have big impacts.. I just tried to make brownies as I need them for tomorrow but it took me so long and I felt so confused.. It frustrates me so much, because I make mistakes and that triggers me more. I couldn't remember if I had taken my medication and so I may have taken it twice.. I'll find out later if I get loads of size effects or not. I need to find a way to know if I've taken my medication or not
i have no idea what just happened. i kind of remember it happening before but this time it was strong. i haven't felt this in months. i was making something in krita, and watching night in the woods on youtube. it was 21:21. i start staring at the screen. getting so absorbed in the story, possibly almost connecting to the characters. i get stuck there for what feels like a long time but also seconds. i manage to move and look at the clock. its been two minutes. i feel like the fantasy world is more real than this one. i have no clue what i did or thought about for two minutes. nothing feels real. i know i need to do something. i realize that its a weekday and that its late, but not that it's night. i search for coping mechanisms. i play piano, doesn't work. brain still foggy. i smell some herbs turn the lights off cut myself, anything for stimulation. it doesn't work. i look in the mirror. idk if that's me or not somehow both at the same time. i start writing down what i know, what has happened, and whats gonna happen. the fog kinda wears off. i'm really confused right now. i have had episodes where nothing has felt real, and some brain fog sometimes, but never this bad. i have no idea what happened and kinda feel like i need some help. now looking back on it idk if it was that bad but it was kinda really scary
Edit: gonna try to get to sleep, still just a bit foggy but its fine probably
How to finally get back inside my mind and body? To be inwardly centered rather than just be controlled by others' reactions.
Being present is harder than ever. I’m there but I’m never quite there. Mind wanders like a ghost looking for a body to haunt. I feel like I’m floating. In and out of conversations and reality. All this constant travel within my mind, back and forth is taking a toll on me. And I do not know how to stop it.
I usually can't, this has been happening every day since I was a kid & I think its starting to really affect my muscle strength. Like I try to move and nothing responds. Or I try to come up with the thought to move but I can't think of the thought. And then I just forget what I was thinking about & lie there for multiple hours. Is this dissociating?
I’ve recently been talking to my counsellor about my dpdr, which has led to massive realisations about why, five years later (after a bad weed trip), I’m still living in a constant state of dissociation.
I realised that as long as I don’t feel safe, like on a deep, subconscious level- my dpdr will remain. And due to my current, not-ideal life circumstances, I do not feel safe.
I live at home with my parents because I am very reliant on them for support with my mental health and college; but I am also always under the pressure to ‘behave’ and the threat of being kicked out, as as soon as I stop being able to ‘cope’ and do what they expect of me, I am threatened with being kicked out. I know that if I am kicked out, my life will be at risk and I will also probably be alienated from the family.
My childhood trauma (child sexual abuse, neglect) means that I am much more prone to dissociating than someone without it, as infants and children who have experienced these things instinctively dissociate to be able to cope at the time. I know I did.
So - I’m not going to feel safe or secure anytime soon. And so my dp/dr will remain.
I hope anyway that this post will at least bring some understanding to anyone else still stuck in the throes of depersonalisation & derealisation. x
just some background, I have severe/chronic DPDR
Sometimes i dont feel comfortable speaking, like i know I can speak but its like i dont know how to use my voice to project words or thoughts and it feels really uncomfortable. I feel really silly just sitting there and everything in my brain is screaming to just talk but I cant because I feel so uncomfy and distressed.
Hi all, For context I’ve been on 10mg for about 4 months (I’m 16F). This morning I was in a rush to go to the farmers market with my parents and I have just realised that I haven’t taken my lexapro and birth control. I was confused as to why I was feeling so shocking - dissociated, foggy and a slight headache. I’ve only missed my dose by an hour and a half so I’m surprised that it’s having such a effect on me. We’re currently on our way home so I’ll take my meds. I’m wondering if this is caused by missing my medication or just a bit of “down patch” which I experience with anxiety. Let me know!
thought it was depersonalization but it happens in episodes and i'm almost always like this. however when i'm by myself and there's no pressure i can think pretty clearly.
I hate this feeling of loneliness even when I'm surrounded by my friends and family , i just don't feel like i belong , i feel dissociated and lonely
Every ticking second i just hate existing if i had to put it this way , i feel like nobody wants me around nobody cares as much , i don't feel like a part of my close circles like I'm some weirdo or i don't belong anywhere somedays i just want to bury my face in my pillow or fall asleep never wake up again or just run away from everything leave everything everyone , restart from the beginning reset to day 1
My moods swing instantaneously , i go from smiling and everything to feeling like a piece of shit in mere minutes and i feel like i have zero control over it , it's just getting harder and harder everyday to wake up and face life
There's a heavy feeling in my chest that never goes away i can never face people in public i feel scared showing them my fucking face for some reason forget ever interacting with them , social gatherings and conversations just seem exhausting like talking to people feels like an insanely daunting task to me and i just want to escape, end the convo as soon as i can , sometimes i want the earth to open up and swallow me as a whole
It's really really exhausting at this point being this way and idk any escape
It’s slowly dawning on me that the only way I can ever function is to be slightly dissociated, slightly spaced out. I knew that I need to be listening to music or podcasts while moving around or doing some kind of mind games like nonograms or sudoku while listening. But even when I am alone with nothing to do, I realize I’m playing out fantasy worlds I wish I lived in or occupying myself with music/podcasts and the games. I can be present I think for a few minutes at a time, but it’s hard and it’s draining. And I think I’ve been like this basically my entire life. I did well in school because I got things quickly so it didn’t matter that I couldn’t study or pay attention. I have functioned well in the main part of my job where I have to get up and do things but I struggle a lot with the part where I have to write reports. I really need this to change but it’s so hard to see how it could.
Although it's kinda hard to tell. I still look back on the past two decades in disbelief that that human was me. Hopefully my mental health will improve from here on, and I can finally get my shit together.
Also I am Autistic and have lived in self-imposed isolation for half of my earthly existence. Forgive me if I am terrible at talking.
Our session today was great, but one thing I think I forgot to ask was how they were all related to me somehow, and if they were feeling an emotion, then I was feeling that emotion too.
It puzzled me because when our headmates feel an emotion, it may sometimes leak, but it doesn't feel like "my" emotion. It's more like someone else is angry and I identify it as someone else being angry. Or when someone else is happy and giddy.
Are alters actually versions of the host? I know in OSDD-1A they are like different modes and such, but my headmates are very distinct from each other. They all are unique and it's hard for me to feel connected to their emotions and it's like speaking to another person entirely. I can't really tell how they really feel unless it leaks over or they show opposition... is that normal? I just can't really feel like these headmates are actually all me. It's literally like different people in my body! Maybe I'm missing a point here?
I haven’t had a dissociative episode in weeks, maybe months. At my worst I lost years of my life.
Yesterday I remember doing a phone appointment with my trauma therapist, but nothing after that. I don’t think we talked about anything too triggering, but we must have.
The next thing I know I’m looking at my phone and it says “Saturday.” Where did Friday go?
I notice things are moved around in the house and (my biggest worry) I did give my diabetic cat her insulin shot because it was checked off on this thing we have to keep track.
My boyfriend worked all day and night and said I was sleeping when he got home. My mom came over and apparently brought me groceries.
I don’t remember. Now I’m terrified of losing another day. I want to go on with this day as if it were normal, but I can’t stop thinking about yesterday. I know it doesn’t help but it’s hard to stop wondering what happened.
I just needed to tell someone, even if nobody reads this. But if you do read this, please comment so I know that I’m real and this is real and not all some delusion. I’d really appreciate it.
I'm a Polish immigrant. As such, I have a name that is pronounced quite differently in English than in my native language. It's been ages since anyone's called me by my old name. I miss it. My 'new' name feels like it belongs to a stranger. I wish somebody would call me by my old one again. But it's not that big a deal, and everyone will keep pronouncing it the new way, so why start a fuss? I was wondering if anyone else is in a similar position.
