8yo nephew's an early bloomer. Gets home, tells his dad, "There was a kidnaping at school today." Dad: "What!?!" 8yo, dead serious, -

"It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NemoKozeba
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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You wanna have beef with me? Because this is how you get beef with me! I’m dead serious mate!

It’s been so long since I last got to see ya! You and ya family gotta come over for a barbecue this weekend!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight...

The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DragonFireKitty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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Deadly Serious Mistake
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoldHardware94
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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We faced a group of zombies on a hill. D&D

I looked to my friends and said "We should leave, it's dead up here"

During the game I also found ample opportunity to use a Blackadder joke-

Me: my dad was a nun

Group: gives me a weird look

Friend: turns to me, thinks im serious how was your dad a nun?

Me: whenever he stood I'm court the judge would ask "occupation" and he'd say "none"

I was told to shut up πŸ˜† 🀣 πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2022
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What do you call a Zombie who doesn't joke around?

Dead Serious

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IcePit_WhiteSauce
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2022
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I was telling my Wife about this guy I knew in vollege who had an interesting medical condition. He was numb on his backside from his waist to his mid thigh.

Her: are you serious?

Me: dead-ass.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/STRYDERonTrovo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2021
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People don't believe me when I tell them I died a while ago

But I'm dead serious

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πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
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*Black gets hit by the Killing Curse*

Black: Harry, I’m dead.

Harry: Are you serious?

Black: Yes, I’m dead Sirius.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TuskenRaiders
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2014
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Old [and lazy] guy at work says, β€œyou know what work out is best for lazy people?”

β€œDiddly squat”. Dead pan serious as he says it too.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jubo-ish
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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Are you having a good Friday?

Better than Jesus had.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaferserene
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2016
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My father and I were in the car traveling to a family outing.

On the way, after passing a graveyard, my dad asked,

β€œDid you know that’s a popular cemetery?”

β€œNo, why?” I responded.

β€œPeople are just dying to get in there!” he replied.

After I groaned, he continued, in all seriousness,

β€œBut really, did you know I can’t be buried there?”

β€œWhy not, Dad?” I asked, surprised.

β€œBecause I’m not dead yet!”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Famousspy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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I lost all feeling in my butt nerves. I'm not joking.

I'm dead ass serious.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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So I was Dad joked in the parking lot

So I just met a master jokester. The setting:

I came out of work across the parking lot and a car comes at me. So I cross and I hear him go, 'youre walking too fast for this place' it's a 55+ community. So I walk over to talk to him and he goes 'what are you doin here your awfully young to be here'

me: yeaah, I'm 10 years to young. I'm the new chef for your clubhouse'

Him: 'youll be cooking for old men'

Me: 'its a challenge'

Him: 'well I don't want to keep you

Me: 'im just picking my dad up from physical therapy'

Him deadpan, 'well you might not want to do that'

Me: why?!

Him dead serious: well, because he's got to be heavy

Me: ... I can't believe I just got grandpop joked

Him: you better believe it

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZenPancakes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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When I die I want the theme to my funeral to be Hawaiian, if you're not dressed up as a Hawaiian you're not welcome.

I'm dead serious.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlbaraHakami
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
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Neuroanatomy professor dad jokes the class

He was lecturing on the cranial nerves, which do pretty much everything for the head. They control all 5 senses and motor output as well as some other non relevant stuff.

Professor: So class does everyone remember what the senses are?

Class: touch/pain, sight, hearing/equilibrium, smell, taste.

Professor: Does anyone know what the sixth sense is?

Class: (thinking hes serious) Guess random shit like magnetoreception.

Professor: The sixth sense is the ability to see dead people.

Class: combination of groans and laughter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/braaaaiins
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
🚨︎ report
A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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Did you know that vultures will only eat animals that are not alive and not silly?

Dead Serious!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saphen-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My father, the comedian.

Joke 1:

My sister was talking with my dad about the show β€˜I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ and she went onto ask β€œhow do you accidentally make a person?” And without missing a beat, my father looked her dead in the eye and replied with β€œI accidentally made three.” With the most serious face I’ve seen in my life.

Joke 2:

My sister, dad, and I were in Wal-Mart one day and in passing the toys, we found those circular beanie baby things with the big eyes. So, my ever impressive father grabs a special edition Chewbacca toy, pretend bites it as though it’s an apple, and says β€œHuh, this is a... Little Chewy!”

There’s more, considering he’s a Dad, but those two stand out the most to me.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theashtonjay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2018
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Conversation between Bellatrix Lestrange and Harry Potter:

Bellatrix: "I killed your godfather!"

Harry: "Are you serious?!?"

Bellatrix: "Dead Sirius."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Easter candy joke on unsuspecting clerk.

I was checking out at the dollar with a Sprite, some chocolate Bunnie candies and cream eggs yesterday. As I approach the counter, the dude asks me if I found everything alright.

I pause for a moment, think about it, and say to him.

"So, I see you guys have the Easter candy out. Any idea on when you'll have in the Wester candy?"

The dude thought about it seriously for a second, then he got it. He looks dead at me as I'm sure I had the dumbest smile on my face, groans and starts laughing too.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XxBayouWolfxX
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Help with maggot puns.

This has been eating away at me, and all I've reached are dead ends.

Seriously though. Any suggestions?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SLOth_Dance
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2014
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Dad joke at the game.

I went with my dad to a college football game and we were sitting in section B row 21. The person behind us calmly says to someone next to us, there is a bee in you hair. Without hesitation and with a dead serious look on his face my dad turns around and says "well we are sitting in the B section"

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElkHairCaddis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2013
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Some kids have no concept of fantasy metamorphosis.

So I'm at Costco picking up the hot dog meal I had added to my order at the checkout. The girl at the food court register yells to the guy working in the back, "Hey! Can you make me a hot dog?"

I looked at her dead serious, waved my spirit fingers, and said, "POOF! YOU'RE A HOT DOG!"

.... She didn't get it. Kids these days...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NGinuity
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2015
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My dad, when trying to remember the name of the series I was watching.

Last night he took an interest into the show I was watching - the new series of unfortunate events.

In the morning he wanted to know what it was called so took a stab in the dark:

"That show... funny incidental things"

He was dead serious, never change dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wild_starbrah
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2017
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Working seasonal hours at Honey Baked Ham and had this dropped on me

Man: I would like a 10 lb ham and a whole smoked turkey breast please.

Me: Will this be all for you today, sir?

Man: dead serious tone Oh no! This isn't all for me. My family will be eating it too.

Took me a second to realize that I had been slapped with a dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trogadorable22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
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That other family

When I was a kid (who am I kidding, he still does it) my dad would notice reflections in mirrors at restaurants or on glass building or whatever. He would stop the conversation, lean in close to everyone, and in a dead serious whisper say "Look, it's that family that's been following us again." Then his face would go from stone-cold serious to a huge grin.

Every time. It was our reflection. And he did it every time. I love my dad.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gmeovr83
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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Realtalk

I asked my dad why he is seeing a shrink. He responded (dead serious):

Because I need to be shrunk.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kwek40
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
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Got a good one in at Home Depot

My brother in law and I were looking for some PVC pipe in order to fix my pool filter. He was looking in a lot of places for for this one specific type of connector when he thought we found it. Unfortunately it wasn't even close and he threw his hands up in frustration.

I turn to him with a dead serious expression and said "don't give up on your pipe dream."

I got a very satisfying groan from him right after I said it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dashboardglowing
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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The "Philogelos" is a collection of ancient Roman dad jokes

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

  • A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

  • When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

  • A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

  • A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

  • A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."

  • A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"

  • A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"

  • A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'

  • An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."

  • A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"

  • A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"

You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AttalusPius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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What do you call a zombie who doesn't joke around?

Dead serious.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrostyDude78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2022
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We were driving past a cemetery.

My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here."

And I was really confused, so I asked why.

He said "because they are still alive."

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad an I were driving around town when we passed the cemetery

He told me, dead serious and in a low voice, β€œI know something you don’t know about this place. The people living in this town aren’t allowed to be buried here.”

I was confused so I asked him why.

His response, β€œthey’re still alive”

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nakedurlrobot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a zombie who doesn't joke around?

Dead Serious.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noir_Reaper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad uses these two jokes every time he drives past a cemetery.

"Wow! People must be dying to get in there."

Or

DAD: "What did one dead person say to another?"

ME: "What?"

DAD: "....................................."

ME: "Seriously, what did he say?"

DAD: "......................................"

ME: "OHHHHHHHH, I get it."

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonathanCutrona
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
🚨︎ report

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