I’ve been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days
It’s on its last legs now.
My wife has been looking for pitted dates for a few days now, and was getting fed up, so she was going buy them on Amazon.
I told I wasn't comfortable with her online dating.
(came up with this on the spot and I was so proud)
Breaking news: a trampoline was picked up by strong wind gusts and flew into a power substation causing power outages for thousands of residents. The power is expected to be out for several days.
Don’t worry though, we’ll bounce back from this!
I ate at a sketchy German restaurant and had the runs for two days.
On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights
It's going to be completely Excel Lent.
Child to Parent - If you didn’t see me for 10 mins would you remember me? Parent - Of course! Child - How about 10 hours, days, weeks, months, years? Parent - I will love and remember you for ever!
Child - Knock knock
Parent - Who’s there?
Child - You’ve forgotten me already!
My husband told me today he’s been having unusual bowel movements for the last few days. I told him to keep notes and speak to his doctor about it.
He said, so you think I should keep a log log?
What did Rule #6 say after seeing the ICU joke reposted for the 6th time in 4 days ?
Rule #6: "What ! Am I a joke to you ?"
Dads on this sub too busy reposting to read the rules: "Hi Joke, I'm Dad"
A guy stayed on a merry-go-round for three days.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Okay this question has been bugging me for days now,
Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance??
I heard that Cricket matches can last for days...
No rest for the wicket, I suppose.
Me: my nose has been running for days, I hope I’m not getting a cold
Wife: probably just allergies, the air is full of pollen
Me: I guess you could say I’m snotty by nature
What did they use in the biblical days for cuts and scrapes?
My girlfriend suggested we do lounges at the gym after dating for a few days.
I said “ That’s a pretty big step forward. “
Lunges. My iPhone likes to auto correct my spelling
It's so hard for Necromancers to raise a family these days.
Unless of course they're buried in the same cemetery.
I guess that's how they stay fit though.
All those dead lifts.
Some friends sharing an apartment had been playing Among Us for days when they were murdered and eaten by their landlord. At the murder trial, when asked why he did it, the landlord replied:
I ate cereal for breakfast three days this week.
It made me feel pretty cheery, yo.
A couple days ago I went for a walk beside a pasture and seen a lone cow when I went again today he wasn't there
I guess he got a promotion for being the only one outstanding in his field
After checking the delivery tracking app, my wife yelled in a fit of rage, “now my package isn’t coming for another 5 days!”
I replied, now you know how I feel.
My wife hasn't spoken to me for 6 days.
What's even better, she thinks I'm being punished.
A woman is sick in the hospital. Doctors tell her she only has days to live. She summons for her husband because she has something important to tell him. He rushes to the hospital.
When he arrives she says “I’ve decided what I want for dinner.”
MY DAUGHTER KEPT COMPLAINING FOR DAYS ABOUT A MONSTER UNDER HER BED
So I drank it and told her to stop hiding cans😤
I asked my friend to come to the gym with me. He said he was busy for the next 7 days....
Bit of a week excuse if you ask me.
I haven’t slept for 6 days.
Because that would be too long.
Finland is offering foreign tech workers the chance to relocate to the Nordic country for 90 days to see if they want to make the move permanent.
If they don't, after the 90 days they will finnish being Finnish
I finally kicked out my girlfriend about six months ago, and it's been nothing but Happy Days for me since.
The bitch took all the other box sets.
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared “Stop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...
“Trump’s Not Down For the Count”
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
Hey guys, my name’s Chad. I’ve been sober for 47 days now.
Not in a row or anything. Just... total.
My neighbors couch has been in the hallway for 5 days. I want to attach jokes to the couch but I'm having trouble.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
I haven't slept for days.
I'm okay though. I sleep nights.
This Christmas, I marinated the turkey for 7 days and no one noticed.
I should have known better than to make week sauce.
If you're looking for sense these days, don't bother.
There is a national coin shortage, after all.
I got lost in a corn maze for a couple days last year
Needless to say I was starving, as fate would have it a ripe piece fell down right at my feet. Startled I called out “well I guess it’s on the house!” To my amazement the stalk came to life and said “Nonsense! It’s on the cob!”
A pin for those days when you just... nope.
These days everyone seems to be going for progressiveness until it comes to something they really care about.
& hence I don't care 'bout anything.
Sorry but this has been at the back of my mind for 2 days
"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.
My mom's been cackling at this bad pun for three days.
So my front yard has a lot of weeds and crappy grass I've been trying to get rid of for years. They're mutants, so nothing will kill them. This year, one of the decorative rocks has turned out to be covered by a giant shroom as well. This thing is enormous. It has about a hundred different canopies, but as far as I can tell it's all one organism.
So I was talking with her about things I might be able to use to get rid of all this stuff, shroom included, and after she suggested a mixture of various household products I asked if it would work on fungus as well. She said it was worth a shot and asked why I wanted to know.
I replied, "Because that thing's just taking up way too mush room."
I was over it in a few seconds, but she's been randomly cracking up for days now. Send help.
I need a break. Leaving dadjokes for a few days.
For the rest of your days
For six days of the week, I appreciate oak trees.
The other day? That's a firs day.
So for the past several days, I've been sending my friend a dad joke per day. I hoped at least one would make him laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
(And yes, I really did, just to make this joke to him. The resulting groan was worth the ten-day setup :p)
I have to self-isolate for 7 days
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