In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime.
It usually resulted in a long sentence.
My 5 year old daughter: What is a ghost’s favorite day?
Boosday
I’m so proud. She was laughing so much!
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?
An old mine shaft collapsed on a bunch of workers the other day.
But it’s okay, they only suffered miner injuries.
Just talked to an old friend the other day
He was saying he was going to visit his parents. I asked why he needed to drive to Boston and Philly and he said “To see MA and PA.”
Tomorrow is either the dawn of a new day, or the day of an old don.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
So, my trusty old PS2 died a few days ago.
Rust in peace little buddy.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
My pizza cutter broke the other day so I used an old Bryan Adams CD
I started pulling the "Hi hungry, I'm dad" routine with my two-year-old. A couple days in, I asked her if she was hungry.
She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...
One day in the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance...
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting
/r/Jokes/comments/iya4l4/…
Back in the old days only the rich could afford automobiles while the common people had horses. Now only the richest have horses while almost everyone has an automobile.
My how the stables have turned.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
Remember the good old days, before the pandemic? It used to be you could meet new people, maybe even fall in love and get married.
Now I’m just dating myself
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”...
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!”
Watching Rogue One with my 8 year old on Father’s Day
When Vader is force choking Orson Krennic and says, “Don’t choke on your ambitions.”
My son looked at my and said, “Ha Ha! Dad joke!”
So proud.
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:
"No it's not, it's MUNday!"
The apprentice has now become the master.
A day old Australian fish?
At work the other day my foreman said “you smell like old spice”
I instantly responded “I swear it was new when I bought it” this was the moment I knew my wife and I we’re ready to start trying.
I tried to sell my old Peter Sellers DVDs the other day but failed to get the price I was asking
It was not a Sellers market
Made my 11 yr old laugh and my wife roll her eyes this kornint. It was a good day.
My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad!
My wife told me "She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry."
I told her "you can't be upset. She's just venting!"
Groans and laughs ensued.
Edit: "this morning." What the hell is a kornint?
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do you say about bread that’s a day old?
Why can't you fool a 2 day old baby?
They weren't born yesterday
Back in the old days you could send whatever you wanted to, to someone and they’d take you seriously, they’d believe you cause
(Actual exchange) My wife was eating some day-old fries
I asked her, “Do those taste good??”
She replied, “No, but the taste is...compelling.”
So I shouted “THE POWER OF FRIES COMPELS YOU!!!”
My anti-vax neighbor's one year old has been crying a lot these days.
I think he's going through a midlife crisis.
Y'know, the day after Thanksgiving always brings back memories of an old friend of mine who was addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
He's okay now though, he quit cold turkey
What do you call a 100-year old who moons you when skinny-dipping every day?
An Oldie butt, bares repeating.
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on?
Her: Paper.
I was so proud.
I made a belt out of old watches the other day.
The other day during dinner, my 9 year old son said, "did you know there are some numbers that can only be divided by themselves and 1? Like 43."
I responded, "that is a prime example."
What does a tadpole become after he's 3 days old?
I was laughing at my 5-yr-old daughter the other day while I was combing her hair.
When my wife asked what was happening, I replied, "I was just teasing her."
My seven year old will make a great dad one day.
He wanted a pear for morning tea at school so I gave him one. This afternoon when I picked him up:
Me: "Tomorrow, do you want a pear for morning tea?"
7yo: "A pair of what?"
So proud right now.
My six-year-old daughter just delighted me with a completely original pun: What do you call it when you have to go inside at the end of the day?
So my son comes up to me the other day and says "Dad you know 2 things that never get old?"
Dark humor and anti-vax kids
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
I was at the bank the other day and this old lady told me to check her balance...
I was in the bank the other day, an old woman asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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