What the best way to make a muscle contract?

Make them sign on the dotted line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAmTheTrueGeniud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Patel was teaching a boy named Ed basic geometry, which he was failing to grasp even on the most basic levels. He mistook squares for triangles, circles for hexagons and so on...

So Patel tried to go to the lowest level and put a dot on the paper.

"What this, Ed?"

"A line?" the boy replied.

"I... I expected more from you. I'm... This a point, Ed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alkaath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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I absolutely hate crossing t's

Dotting i's is okay since it's just a dot, but t's are where I draw the line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshjodalton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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In the history of crime literature, which character has been the most effective at getting people out of prison?

The dot "."

It has ended more sentences than anything else.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ultimadark
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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I have a friend who teaches Germanic languages.

I asked him if he likes those dots that go over certain vowels.

He replied, "Umm, lots!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sharksandwich70
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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A woman actually wrote the song: "Itsy-Bitsy, Teenie-Weenie, Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini."

A man would have written: "Itsy-Bitsy, GIANT CRANK, Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?

He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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What do you call an idiot with no eyes?

A dot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sh4d0wfr34k94
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my eyes on you"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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Two ants seemed to be having a race on a package.

A 3rd ant joined, and beat them both, and started gloating about it.

The two ants said, "that wasn't a race. We were just following instructions."

The 3rd ant asked, "what instructions?"

The two ants said, "see right here, it says 'tear across dotted line.'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aiaor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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I once had a job in a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept running into a problem. I wasn’t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - I’d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesn’t look bad, etc. But one of the guys who’d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.

Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoyoteTheFatal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Hamster Puns

- Where do hamsters live?

Hamsterdam

- What do we call a non-pro hamster?

Hamasteur

- Who is the president of hamsters?

Abrahamster Lincoln
- Which website has the hamster movie?

Xhamster dot com

- Why do hamsters eat sunflower seed?

Because they're hungry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tianrex
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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Extended Christmas dad prank

When my brother and I were little, we put out milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeers on Christmas eve, and woke up on Christmas morning to find them mostly eaten. We were delighted at proof of our nighttime visitors.

The next year our dad told us he had gotten an inside tip from the north pole: that Santa actually liked ramen and beer, not milk and cookies (as other, less well informed, dads and kids had always thought).

For years, we dutifully cooked ramen, put it on a table by the fireplace with a cold beer on the side, and woke up to the ramen and beer having been consumed in the night.

I knew my dad wasn't fond of milk or cookies, but it wasn't until later that we connected the dots and found out the deal about Santa. My dad was the one who ate the Santa food once we went to bed, and he had secretly convinced us to prepare his ideal midnight snack for as long as we believed in Santa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/queenermagard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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I tried to hook my sister, Dorothy, up with my co-worker who’s also named Dorothy

But I couldn’t connect the Dots

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boonsnaba
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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Dad Jokes I Tell My Kids

I have a 6 year-old and a 8 year-old.

Whenever my kids ask me, "Dad, can I ask you a question?" I reply, "You just did." And then smile.

Also, whenever my kids say, "Dad, guess what?" I comeback with something completely ludicrous, "Uh, you just saw an polka-dotted elephant in the kitchen and he stole your lunch?"

They do not find it humorous at all. But, I crack myself up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/papabois
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Regarding the diets of dairy cows.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/estomasi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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Echo Prime Dot Joke

My brother got an amazon prime dot and asked it for a joke:

"What did the fish say when it swam headfirst into a wall?"

"Damn"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NitroGamer447
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2016
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My uncle dropped this one during our Christmas party.

For context, my grandfather recently had eye surgery and now has to have medical drops applied every few hours. Near the end of the party, my grandma says that it was time to "dot his eyes." As soon as that's said, my uncle reminds them not to cross their t's, too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retnuhs66
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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I Get My Sense of Humor from My Dad - He Told Me to Put it Here

My mom was telling a story about how she was kicking butt at work - as usual. Something about business politics and getting one over on some blockheads trying to undermine her. Dad speaks up, laughing.

"I can just envision them sitting there - crossing their eyes -"

I had to speak up.

"And dotting their t's?"

He couldn't stop laughing.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
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Girls writing names in the snow

Exchange between my parents last winter.

Dad: Boys are better than girls

Mom: That's not true

Dad: Boys can write their names in the snow

Mom: So can girls

Dad: (Without missing a beat) Only if her name is Dot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirmartin1st
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2015
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My daughter doesn't wear polka dot dresses anymore...

... because every time she does, I poke all the dots saying, "Nice poke-a-dot dress, hun!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paleran
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2014
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Rosh Hashana coming up.

My Aunt told me to cook something to bring to Rosh Hashana, a jewish holiday coming up. She said I should go on the internet and "google some Rosh Hashana dishes to make". Then my dad says "you have to go on Jews dot Cham" ( get it)?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billsphere
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2014
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i

Sorry, that was a dot over the line

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENTlightened
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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