Cutting the grass
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theboiinblu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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I saw Stevie Wonder cutting the grass.

It was blind mowing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/donz0r
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2016
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My dad has found a new way of cutting the grass.

He tells dad jokes until the lawns moan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
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A guy got kicked out of the Al's society for cutting the grass.

Protesters surrounded the building shouting: "Re-member the Al who mowed!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumanAsFarAsIKnow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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Have you heard about the new greens keeper at Wembley? The one doing all the experimental grass cutting techniques.

His colleagues are calling him the avant-gardener

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheik_yerboutis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
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My cat just cut the grass.

She's a lawn meower.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hrunthir
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died

but he has been lawn gone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ikennaezeee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Wasn’t in the mood to cut the grass.

I really need to get mowtivated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Edward01986
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.

ha ha ha ha ha ha get it?!?!?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SillyStraw29
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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I just got my cow to cut all the tall grass in my field.

What a great lawn moo-er!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brawl_nOyOu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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I would like to cut the grass

But it’s against the lawn

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nu24601
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!

Neighbor Dad 2: That’s on a need to mow basis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teshlord44
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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I can't decide if I should cut the grass or update the bathroom

I guess I'll just start with Moen

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JAAIA1999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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My dad just wants my brother to cut the grass.

http://i.imgur.com/fG7lAT2.png

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevinjamesfan69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2014
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My wife told me to cut the grass,

I replied, I'm not really mowtivated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imthaaatguy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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Cut the grass shirtless today.

My brother took one look at me and said it was the worst case of mowlawn rouge he had ever seen.

He gets a groan and a high five from this guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evolving-North
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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My son was just arrested for possession of weed.

I told him to cut the grass not keep it in his pockets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyCrossXD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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"I need to go out for a while, Amelia Bedelia. Can you do this list of chores?" Said Mr. Rogers.

Amelia Bedelia looked over the list. "Okey-dokey!" Said Amelia Bedelia.

When Mr. Rogers came home, he saw Amelia Bedelia stuffing sawdust into his secret marijuana stash.

Mr. Rogers was furious. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, AMELIA BEDELIA?!"

"You said to cut the grass."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_-Aven-_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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Wife: "No. That's where I draw the line."

Wife says she's going to go finish cutting the grass (I am still recovering from shoulder surgery) and I told her "don't forget outside the fence."

To which she responded "nope. That's where I draw the line...."

So, of course, I responded "oh yeah? Well do ya know where I draw the line??"

"Hmm..."

"On paper!"

At which point she rolled her eyes and walked out to the garage...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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Bet with son.

I made this bet with my son a few years ago, and it worked great.

Dad: I bet you, if I can jump higher than our house. If I do, you will have to cut the grass all summer. If I don’t jump higher than the house I will cut the grass all summer.

Son: thinks for a while. Then agrees.

Dad: jumps a foot off the ground

Son: You lost!!!!

Dad: yells β€œjump house jump! See it didn’t jump I win.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hurtmore
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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My dad told me this story...

Not really sure if it qualifies as a 'dad joke', but I laughed my arse off. He was telling me about a joke he played on my mum when they were younger, before I was born.

We're from Australia, and there's a lot of places out woopwoop that are just empty. Him and mum were driving in the middle of bumfuck nowheresville, and they came up to a train crossing. Only thing is, because of where it was, there weren't any boom gates; it was just the track cutting through the middle of the road. On each side of the road was really high grass, so he actually had to poke the car out a bit so it was on the tracks to be able to see on either side. So he pulls the car out (in Australia, the driver is on the right side of the car instead of the left), and he looks to his right. No train coming. He looks to his left, and mum also looks left. Dad sticks his hand out the window, screams NO!!! and slams his hand on the side of the door really hard. It scared the shit out of mum so much that she actually started crying. He told me this and we both posses ourselves laughing for about 10 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnholyDemigod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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Moses and the Pharaoh

A long, long time ago in Egypt the Israelites were held as slaves. One day the evil Pharaoh passed a decree that no Israelite could cut the grass outside their house.

The grass grew and grew, covering the houses and making it quite an ordeal for the Israelites to go to work in the morning, which put a bit of a strain on the old pyramid building that was all the rage at the time. But Pharaoh didn't care and the edict still stood. No Israelite could cut the grass outside their home.

Eventually the elders had had enough and called upon Moses, who had a bit of a rapport with Pharaoh, being brought up together and all that jazz.

"Moses, you must convince Pharaoh to see sense and let us remove the grass from outside our homes!" they implored.

Moses nodded, picked up his staff and sought an audience with Pharaoh.

In the royal chambers, Moses approached Pharaoh. "Yes, Moses? How can I help?" asked Pharaoh.

Moses stood tall, stared deep into Pharaoh's eyes, raised his staff aloft, cleared his throat and with a booming voice said, "Pharaoh! Let my people mow!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grubbymitts
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2018
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Just now. Classic Dad.

Dad "The lawnmower won't work. It's not cutting properly."

Me "did you check under it? See anything wrong?"

Dad "yeah, uncut grass!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1337Scott
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
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My Dad's signature longform joke

My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.

"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."

At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"

He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/budgeroo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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There's a pretty bad storm right now

I texted my dad about the coming storm, as he was in town and it would be there soon. He responded back "guess the grass isn't getting cut today then?" So I said "yeah, no grass". He takes the opportunity to respond with "wow, no grass huh? Must be some crazy storm!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-am-pyro
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
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I’d like to cut the grass

But it’s against the lawn

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πŸ‘€︎ u/narvez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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I would like to cut the grass,

but it's against the lawn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wartiman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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