.. But Screaming Goat videos are the Greatest Of All Time!
He was a Dora bull.
He said they were metro gnomes.
But when I gave it to her she just said "Bah handbag"
You know, because Nature Abhors a Vacuum.
β¦ seedless π€§
(plz bare w me on this one i literally thought of it as i was going to sleep lmao)
Because it took them awhile to get the bugs worked out
The silver atom says βA, u!β
The gold atom says βA, g!β
Inflation
They were cute, peanut butter cookies, with a chocolate bandolier. Despite being a little chewy, they were really good!
So a kid walks up to a house on Halloween. He knocks on the door and a little old man answers. The little kid says trick-or-treat the little man says oh how cute youβre a pirate, the little boy just smiles, the little old man asks where are your little Buccaneers? The little kid replied theyβre on my buckinβ head now hand over the candy!
... well anyway, it was a cute little booger.
Okay, so this is my first post, so be gentle there. It s more a funny thing my dad did to mess with us than a dad joke. Our parents explained it to us , so i don t have the dialogues here. When we were little, my brother and I of course asked my parents how do we make babies, because we wanted a little bro or sis and they did not wanted us to get one. So we asked them how babies are made. They explained to us that you need 3 things ; a mother's belly , dad's seeds and a little bit of love. That was cute, they said that daddy had to put his seeds in mummy 's belly with the love. When we asked how, they told us to guess -this is why we thought babies were made by the bellybutton, they did really had fun with us- and then, finally, we asked them why they would not make us a little brother then. My father, had this brilliant idea to mess with us, which we sometimes did not notice, as we were little. He basically told us with a huge smile accros his face :" You know what ? If you find the good seeds, we'll make you one". My mother laughed but we took it seriously. We have apparently searched for hours even going in the basement, searching in mom's gardening seeds, ripping of the labels and bringing them to the parents to ask if these were the good ones . We eventually got fed up, and never asked my parents to have a sibling again.
Long ago in a Taco Bell far, far away...
Cute Girl Behind Counter: Here's your order.
Me: (noticing a soft taco on the tray) I wanted a hard taco.
Girl: (uncertain what to do)
Dad: Try rubbing it a little. Usually works for me.
(sigh)
A great bundle of Internet puns; enjoy!
You despise Microsoft FrontPage as a web editing tool and as extensions to your webserver.
You can answer the question βis the internet brokenβ without laughing.
You can spot the theme behind the following list: RedHat, SuSE, Debian, Caldera, Slackware.
You can feel the load a server is under without actually checking statistics. It βjust isnβt running rightβ actually makes sense.
You maintain more than four websites and do not have time for a personal web page.
You know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what theyβve done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linus Torvalds, Eric Allman, Sanford Wallace.
You know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP, OSPF, and DUN. You like acronyms.
I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it βBangβ. I mean, think about it.. βI BANGED Emma Watson last night.β
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBIβ¦
On the Internet you can be anything you want. Itβs so strange that many people choose to be stupid.
Girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smileβ¦
Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter. When Chuck Norris plays hide and seek, even google canβt find him.
A press release: βYesterday, for the first time a hacker was convicted of network penetration and went to jail to serve a 12 years sentence. According to the data of the central computer of the police, the hacker goes to liberty the day after tomorrow because of expiration of the sentence.β
Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting βLive life fullβ. Thatβs just 3 random words. Iβm going to try now. Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.
Facebook: βMy kids are perfect.β Instagram: βMy kids are beautiful.β Twitter: βMy kids are why I drink.β
The facts on this website are Chuck Norrisβ smallest acheivements. If you knew what he was really capable of, you would never sleep at night.
Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, youβll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? An URLologist.
I noticed a couple of really cute ground squirrels that have started a little community next to the soccer field at our college campus, and pointed them out. This was his reply.
DH: Oh man, theyβre adorable! Can you buy one of those at a pet store? I wonder how much theyβd gopher....
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.
For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.
On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.
Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.
Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken
... keep reading on reddit β‘A couple we're friendly with have a really cute 3-year-old girl who loves to play with the small animals in the backyard (mostly toads). Recently the girl found a bird a little later than their pet cat did, and didn't realize the bird was dead. Her mom, being a bit strange and not wanting to explain death to her daughter quite yet, puts on a pair of yard gloves and -- when the daughter wasn't looking -- sticks the dead bird up in a tree. Tells her daughter, "look, he's napping in the tree."
At this point in the story I chime in, "Weekend at Birdie's!"
A little background, I'm in my twenties eating at an Italian restaurant where they ask you if you'd like some extra cheese grated on top of your meal. The waitress was young and cute, so this went down:
Waitress: "Would you like cheese on your Ravioli?"
Me: "Sure, that would be great!" <grate>
Waitress: cracks a smile
