Crema, Lombardy Puns

#Lombardy

##March 1503

The Austrian army assembling in Innsbruck was impressive. Not nearly as large as the army that went on Maximilian’s Crusade, but the scope of this conflict was much smaller. In all, they numbered some 26,000 soldiers. With Maximilian were several heroes of the Crusade. Georg von Frundsberg commanded the army as a whole in Maximilian’s name. Götz von Berlichingen, equipped with a prosthetic arm, also held a position of importance. Also with the army was the Elector-Marshal of Saxony, and Ludovico Sforza - hoping to get his Duchy back. As the army descended down the Trentino, they entered Venetian territory. Rounding the city of Verona en route to the Mincio, they found the folks of the country viewing them with suspicion and hostility. Along with this hostility, were reports of locals stealing goods from the baggage train in the night. Crossing the Mincio via the fortress town of Peschiera, the Austrians met with the Mantuans, led personally by Marquess Francesco II Gonzaga. Successfully outbidding the French, the Austrians had won the apparent loyalty of the Mantuans. The Mantuans, as honourable and kind gentlemen they are, sent a letter to the French,

To the esteemed leader of the French Army,

> One hopes that this letter finds the reader in high spirits, spirits which are so high that they cannot possibly be ruined by even the slightest bit of bad news which this letter contains. Or, conversely, one may also hope that this letter finds the reader in such miserable and ruinous spirits that their spirits cannot plunge any lower due to the bad news that they are about to read. And the bad news that is contained in this letter shall be coming soon, within the next sentences, however, it is hoped that this sentence, and possibly future sentences following this very sentence and the great amount of words that these sentences contain serve as a buffer or distraction to the very possible crushing blow that one receives when they are the reader of bad news. This letter is to inform the French clients of the Margraviate of Mantua of the nature of our existing contract and the swift and sudden change of that nature due to circumstances of an unforeseen nature. One would imagine that by the time of receiving this letter one would also expect the Mantovani condottieri to arrive as well to bolster the size of the French forces in whatever endeavors that they are about to set out to do. But as you will soon learn, dear reader, or as you c

Venetian Lombardy has toiled under the yolk of an occupying Imperial force for several years now. While Venice has made gains in the last year, the fate of Venetian Lombardy has been a matter of uncertainty. Bergamo has been Venetian since 1454 and Treviglio has been free of Imperial control since 1395, while Crema and Cremona have only recently come under Venetian control. Meeting in Como on the shores of its' picturesque lake, Venice and the Empire have reached an agreement to see the end of the occupation:

January 1507

In the name of God, San Marco, and Leopold the Good

The occupation of Lombardy has placed a great toll on it's people, and it is with God's sacred blessing that we come on agreement to end this period of strife

As agreed by La Serenìsima Repùblega de Venèsia and his most gracious Maximillian I, King of Romans and King of Italy

Article I. Imperial Territory Crema and Cremona, previously of the Sforza domain, will be returned to the Sforza.

Article II. Bergamo and Treviglio, long parts of Venice and territories outside the Empire of the Romans, will remain with Venice

Article III. Venetian merchants will retain trade access to the ceded territories and their business ventures there. Milanese merchants will be allowed access to the market town of Bergamo

Article IV. Venice will cease the blockade of Trieste, allowing all shipping free access to Trieste and Austrian Istra. Any merchants currently in Venetian ports that had been diverted from Trieste will be allowed to embark to Trieste unmolested.

Article V. Contained here in the surveyed map of the territorial agreement

In testimony and as agreed to by the esteemed Imperial delegation and Serene delegation beside the Lago di Como with the blessing of his magnificent Maximillian I and Serene Doge Leonardo Loredan

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do your worst!

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

They were cooked in Greece.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

They’re on standbi

BamBOO!

A play on words.

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Or would that be too forward thinking?

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

When I got home, they were still there.

I won't be doing that today!

[Removed]

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

Where ever you left it 🤷‍♀️🤭

There hasn't been a post all year!

You take away their little brooms

It’s pronounced “Noel.”

Why

After all his first name is No-vac

What, then, is Chinese rap?

Edit:

Notable mentions from the comments:

• Spanish/Swedish/Swiss/Serbian hits

• French/Finnish art

• Country/Canadian rap

• Chinese/Country/Canadian rock

• Turkish/Tunisian/Taiwanese rap

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

It was about a weak back.