Which county in England has just two letters in its name?
Anyone ever hear about the legendary knight of England that weighed 400 lbs ?
His name was Sir Loin of Beef
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure...
So I headed down to the library to see if they had a copy. The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
Did you hear about the time the Queen of England ordered every single non-English person in the UK to be killed?
Why do criminals like living in New England?
Because they have con etiquette.
People think it's cool I live in New England
Yes it is very cool
Outside
I use the elevator in America, and the lift when I'm in England.
I guess i was just raised differently.
What do you call the shortest mother in England?
What's the opposite of a croissant?
Why is 6 afraid of 7 (this punchline is actually different)?
I’m sick of all NSEW jokes on here
I think it’s time to move in a new direction.
TIL that the Ancient Romans had four types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact.
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
Let’s see what your made of Mike!
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles…
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
What is the capital of Poland?
I wore a kilt to my first therapy appointment today. Within seconds of sitting down to talk, the therapist told me I was mentally ill
His exact words were "I can clearly see your nuts"
2 guys walk into a bar with their wives and ask for 2 pints of Stella and 2 "girly" drinks
Bartender: 'So that's 4 pints of Stella?'
Lord of the Rings (Background sets not included)
I opened my pay envelope today and found it was full of parsley.
Someone garnished my wages.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
After the Count's death, the County was invaded by a foreign power, which pillaged all the local farms
A local themed Grandad joke from the northeast of England: If you walk to Walker and bike to Byker, what do you do at Wallsend?
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
Hey- it’s come to our attention that some of you who are posting here aren’t actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
What is the opposite of telekinesis?
A couple of guys robbed an art gallery, but then their van wouldn't start...
Because they didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
I got arrested by the Department of Animal Welfare for trying to acquire several crows to raise as pets.
They charged me with attempted murder.
We should have been able to predict the fall of the Soviet Union a lot sooner.
There were a lot of red flags.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
I bought a belt off of Amazon from a company called Orion. I was hoping it would be the best belt I'd ever owned, but it was just so-so.
One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard for my office.
Do people people see colors when they dream?
Or is it just pigments of their imagination?
If sweet dreams are made of cheese…
My wife has accused me of stealing her thesaurus…
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
My 7yo came up with this gem: “What kind of candy does a sidewalk eat?”
An egg and a piece of bacon walk into a bar....
...bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve breakfast here"
What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December?
This has probably been posted before but I can’t find any posts of it right now
Let’s see how many of us remember biology 101…
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.
What do you call a piece of corn that joins the army?
What kind of Dr. is Dr. Pepper?
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