Did You Hear About the Crosseyed Teacher?

She couldn’t control her pupils

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowjoe12
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the cross eyed teacher get fired?

He couldn't control his pupils.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waldo06
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Misunderstanding on purpose

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" πŸ™‚).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

  • thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to a warehouse that held replacement keyboard keys. Huge bins overflowing with letters, numbers, function keys, boxes blocking the aisles full of arrows, and Windows and Apple keys. Space bars everywhere!

They were out of Control.

Luckily I found an Escape.

I got Home eventually.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phelyan
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I experimented a lot with drugs and sex when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
How is Cruz so good at driving?

She has 'Cruz' Control.

...we just finished watching Cars 3.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
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I Tried to Make a Dam out of Paper...

But the seepage was too hard to control.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Piano_Man72
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My diet made me lose my love handles

Now I have no control over my relationship.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/umberdiary
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I got into an argument with my video game character

He said I was too controlling.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefastest9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Did you hear about the teacher with two lazy eyes?

Didn't last more then a day, couldn't control his pupils.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyrus9898
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
The monster took all the keys off my keyboard.

Now I'm out of control and there's no escape.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about Chiron of Greek mythology?

With his medical skills, he's known as the first centaur for disease control!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiderMaha
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I broke a key off my keyboard yesterday...

I lost control.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cthutzpah
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Did I tell you guys about the cross-eyed teacher?

She couldn’t control her pupils.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, β€œYes, but I was part of the control group.”

πŸ‘︎ 186
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Learn from your parents mistakes....

Use birth control.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I have made myself too many places to store books.

I have no shelf control.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Apollo 11 landed in the wrong place?

The shuttle was low on fuel, so Armstrong has to take manual control of it to find them a safer place to land, landing 4 miles away from where they intended to.

The scientists behind it were very Apollo-getic.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpiderFlash-1273
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?

In control.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellowlemonie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine

That made him the centaur for disease control

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billyboogie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Nose that has a job as a Health Inspector?

A Scenter for Disease Control.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...

...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Betcha $5 I can move that bottle with my mind...

"No way, dad!"

knocks bottle over with hands My mind controls my hands. Now where's my $5?!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a manipulative rock band?

The controlling stones

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Day Job

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m very proud of this dad joke my daughter just came up with on the spot

Her: What is this little USB thing? Is this a juul charger?

Me: No, I think it’s an adapter for the Steam controller.

Her: Well, a juul is kind of like a steam controller.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kimya_d
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the creamiest shortcut?

Control+V. Because it’s a paste!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nirinaron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
In the future...

In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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I keep hearing Mission Control check in with Dragon Crew, asking "How do you read, over."

And I just KNOW if I were up there I would be physically unable to keep myself from responding "Dragon to Mission Control, I read with my eyes, over." I wonder how many times before they airlock me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/H_G_Bells
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I spilt coffee on my keyboard :-(

But it's ok, everything's under control

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked me why I was spinning in circles when I was supposed to be cleaning the keyboard...

I lost control.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VamanaGG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Brother: "Why do we have a mouse-shaped fishing lure?"

Me: "So you can catch a catfish."

We were using my late dad's tackle box from the 90's. Only logical explanation is that I was controlled by his spirit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrincessBukowski
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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The cross eyed school teacher was fired.

She couldn’t control her pupils.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I just lost a key on my keyboard

Now its all out of control

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cjyea124
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a doctor who is half man and half horse?

A centaur for disease control

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/peach_problems
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the teacher crossed eyed?

Because they couldn't control their pupils.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I found a spider on my keyboard this morning.

It's under control now.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SadHamburger420
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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