i never know she sold flowers
She's a real babe magnet.
Strong OP onion
They're calling it fibromyalgebra.
I told her to just let it go
He said "you're full of shit."
So I drank it and told her to stop hiding cansπ€
Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.
So I started taking melatonin. It helps.
Police released me, let me go!
βYou herd me!"
Well, children, this is a one-story house.
I said it's a shame because they're so pretty. I guess they weren't made for use, but just for looks.
The manager asked, "did you have a problem with any particular part of the donut?"
I said yes. The hole thing.
(one of my only original jokes I've ever come up with.)
Me: Then be as loud as them, it will cancel each other out
Gf: what kind of logic is that?
Me: Sound logic
told her it's because she got too much o' tension
If only they knew, I was just trying to put my socks on.
Operator said βplease holdβ
Me (to son): digging holes in the ground.
mum: snigger
It's called inter"mitten" fasting to keep my hands of food
He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."
"So, take these pills to cure your waterworks problem, then give me a tinkle." the doctor said.
Couldnβt post it earlier. Doing dishes, making everyoneβs bed, taking trash and all the other household chores ate up all my evening.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
Nova-cain
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
I didnβt even know she sold jewellery.
It is breathtaking.
Because am transparent
I told him not to worry- he's only scratched the surface
Thatβs your own asphalt
Grandpa: I hate it. Itβs driving me up the wall.
She tells me the thing is driving her up the wall.
Personally, I'm on the fence.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
Yeti never complains.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
I told her exponents are easier when you look to a higher power.
It's not well known that among the species of plants taken aboard Noah's Ark was a very odd berry. This berry had a special property where if you ate too few at once they would be sour, but if you ate too many at once they would be bitter. Even stranger was that the right number of berries to eat at once for perfect sweetness was different for each person.
Shem would never take enough berries and would complain every time "Ugh! These berries are so sour! Why did we bring these plants?" Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat a couple more in a mouthful to make them sweet."
Ham would always take too many berries and would complain every time "Ick! These berries are so bitter! I'd like to toss the plants overboard." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat fewer in a mouthful to make them sweet."
Japeth would grab a random amount and whenever they were bitter or sour he'd complain "Why do these berries never taste the same? We should let the animals eat the plants so we don't have to eat the silly berries." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you should remember how many berries taste the best."
After a couple of weeks of this, Noah announced "I'm taking charge of portioning the berries. I've made notes of how many of them taste the best for me, my wife, all of you my sons, and your wives. At meals I'll give each of you the correct amount, and NO MORE COMPLAINTS!"
Another week passed and Japeth wanted some berries to take the edge off his hunger, but rather than wander all over the whole ark looking for his father he asked Emzara "Where's dad? I'd like some berries before lunch."
Emzara pointed to the storeroom and said "I thought you were tired of the berries? But there's Noah, counting for taste."
