T-Rex: Look, honey... I think you should come to New York with me.
I canβt see you if you donβt move.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
Heβs my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
I asked my friend to come to the gym with me. He said he was busy for the next 7 days....
Bit of a week excuse if you ask me.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
It took me over 6 months to come up with a joke about calendars and clocks.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
My son asked me "where does poo come from?" I was a little flustered, but did my best to explain about food, stomach, intestines, digestion, etc.
He looked confused, then stared at me in stunned silence. After a few seconds he asked "And Tigger?"
π︎ 90
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
Hey Dad, you wanna come to Yoga class with me?
Dad: Namaste home instead
π︎ 68
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
π︎ 98
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
π︎ 107
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, "My door is always open".
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 25 2020
Good job coming dad. (3 year old son after he told me to come eat breakfast)
Me: Mommy tells me that all the time.
He has a near photographic memory, I'm hoping one day when he's twenty he coughs out his cold cereal in college as he gets the joke.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
I have a boomerang joke I canβt seem to remember it maybe it will come back to me
I do seem to remover it went over peopleβs heads
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
Me: Dude! Come with me to the storage! I organized all the philosophy theses into plastic boxes with hanging files!
Unimpressed Friend: So, Crates...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
My wife said she was leaving me because, βI canβt do anything right when it comes to housework.β Selfish woman...
...it took me hours to mop that carpet.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jul 15 2020
My son comes up to me today and tells me heβs gay. My wife tried to stop me but I couldnβt stop myself shouting at him.
Hi gay Iβm dad. I just get so excited at every oppertunity to say it.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
π︎ 74
π
︎ Jan 21 2020
My best friend couldnβt come out to the pub with me tonight so his identical twin came instead.
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 08 2020
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him βHow come thereβs no charge?β
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Liveryβ
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 13 2020
My wife asked, βWanna come with me to help pick out some vinyl wood blinds?β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
My wife won't come to Mexico with me.
She thinks I will try tequila.
π︎ 138
π
︎ Jul 26 2019
This guy comes up to me at the karaoke bar and asks, "Are you the guy who spends all night singing Neil Diamond songs?"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 07 2020
I had a guy come up to me at the store the other day as I was browsing the candy section and proclaimed "I refuse to eat Werther's originals!" Confused, I asked "Why's that?"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 30 2019
My 4.5 year old is on to me ... comes up to me and says:
βHi, Dad, my name is Thirsty, can I please have a cup of water?β
π︎ 35
π
︎ Sep 27 2019
My father, who comes from a long line of clowns, just retired and wants me to continue the family legacyβ¦
I've got some really big shoes to fill!
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 21 2019
My friend loves puns and I told her to come check out this page. She kept telling me she couldnβt find it....
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 04 2019
It took me 5 minutes to come up with this joke but it takes 35 minutes for someone else to come up with this joke
The difference is reposting
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
I was eating at a restaurant and a waiter comes up to me and asks: "How did I find the steak?"
I told him I looked underneath the parsley.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 07 2019
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 02 2019
My daughter told me dogs tend to pile up when it comes to this ice cream.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 24 2019
A friend asked me to come and have a look at his broken extractor fan
I told him I don't have much experience in cheering up former tractor enthusiasts but I'll give it a spin.
π︎ 27
π
︎ May 17 2019
So my son comes up to me the other day and says "Dad you know 2 things that never get old?"
Dark humor and anti-vax kids
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 16 2019
I was trying to get my wife to appreciate puns as much as me. I tried everything I could come up with and she didn't even crack a smile! So I googled the top 10 puns of all time. I read every single one to her trying to get her to laugh
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 23 2018
My boss called me last Saturday and said they were shorthanded and really needed someone to come in...
I replied, "Sounds like a personnel problem to me."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 22 2019
Iβm told Iβm no good at puns but they come fluid to me...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 07 2018
The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!
Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"
"Yes you are"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 07 2019
I try to encourage my wife to come up with her own mom jokes. So when she asked me to make one up regarding wood, I got a little upset.
"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 01 2018
I was working in a library and this guy comes up to me and asks, βDo you have a bookmark?β
I said, βYes, we have hundreds, but my nameβs Dave.β
π︎ 31
π
︎ Nov 19 2017
Sleeping comes so naturally to me.
I could do it with my eyes closed.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 230
π
︎ Jan 12 2019
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 12 2020
Sleeping comes so natural to me....
I could do it with my eyes closed.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jun 06 2019
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jun 11 2019
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all my embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Nov 24 2018
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
