Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
Heβs my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
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︎ Oct 03 2020
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.
I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.
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︎ Dec 13 2020
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Google is set to come out with a new browser that manages search results based solely on your DNA
Set to be called the Google Chromosome.
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︎ Oct 13 2020
Come on, heβs only human
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︎ Jun 05 2020
come on man!
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︎ Jan 20 2020
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
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︎ Jun 14 2020
Come on imgur, you're better than this
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︎ Jun 10 2020
A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"
" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"
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︎ May 22 2020
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
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︎ Jun 14 2020
Come on now, Cap
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︎ Feb 10 2020
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
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︎ May 16 2020
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...
"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
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︎ Jun 16 2020
Ms. Richie: Hey, remind me what comes after Do and Re on the musical scale?
Lionel: Hello, is it Mi you are looking for?
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︎ May 26 2020
Max Sweet and Eliza Stakes are robbing a bank when suddenly the lights come on
Max turns and says, " Miss Stakes, we're made"
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︎ May 10 2020
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
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︎ Jan 21 2020
Come on Col, let's go fluoride
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︎ Jan 23 2020
This German shepherd comes has a poo on my lawn every day !
Yesterday he brought a dog along
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︎ Apr 01 2020
Come on man..
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︎ Feb 23 2018
So I was asking my brother how come he only uses his superpowers on my daughters
He said itβs because he only has telekinesis not telekinephews
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︎ Jun 04 2019
Tech tip: Itβs dangerous to download βCome Sail Awayβ or βSatisfactionβ on ITunes. βTurn, Turn, Turnβ is perfectly fine however.
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
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︎ Apr 05 2018
Girlfriend asked how I cut my chin as I walked out of the bathroom this morning. Come on.. what is the simplest explanation?
I cut myself shaving
With occam's razor!
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︎ Oct 11 2019
I asked my skydiving instructor what I should do if my parachute doesn't work. He said when it comes to that, we'll figure it out on the fly.
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︎ Nov 17 2019
After browsing recipes on Reddit, I come away believing thereβs only one way to prepare my chicken.
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︎ Jan 04 2020
My 4.5 year old is on to me ... comes up to me and says:
βHi, Dad, my name is Thirsty, can I please have a cup of water?β
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︎ Sep 27 2019
I spent $300 on a limo and it didn't even come with a driver.
I spent all my money and I've got nothing to chauffeur it!
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︎ Jun 16 2019
Come on Harry, itβs not that hard.
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︎ Mar 03 2019
Come on... how was this not caught?!
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︎ Jul 25 2019
Oh come on
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︎ Apr 18 2019
Come into a chemistry classroom to find this on the board
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︎ May 16 2019
The wise men come to the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus in the night, rapping on the door of their Bethlehem cottage suddenly. Mary yelps, answers the door, and says, relieved:
"You scared the bajeezus out of me!"
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︎ Nov 02 2019
So i recently read that the Norwegian Government put bar codes on their ships. That means that when a ship comes in, they have to
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︎ Aug 16 2019
The big moron and the little moron are on a bridge. The big moron fell off. How come the little moron didn't fall off?
He was a little "more on."
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︎ May 18 2019
I saw Kian from Westlife drinking a can of red bull. I said βcome on mate, make your mind upβ.
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︎ Oct 10 2019
I hate those people who come and pound on your door, telling you to get out or youβll burn.
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︎ Jun 24 2019
A young-looking sea captain comes on deck to greet his crew for the first time and one man blurted out by accident, "He's a baby!"
The captain responded, "No shit, I used to be a seaman."
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︎ Sep 10 2019
Come on man, get real!
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︎ Oct 07 2018
I hate when people ask me where I'll be in two years, come on guys I don't have 2020 vision.
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︎ Dec 26 2018
A husband comes home and finds his amputee wife lying in the bathtub with the shower head on, crying.
He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"
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︎ Aug 21 2019
My gf calls me up and says,"come on over,theres nobody home."
I went over,there was nobody home!
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︎ Jul 28 2019
[Baba OβRiley comes on] Son, do you know who sings this song?
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︎ Jul 04 2019
How come shrimp on Broadway don't share?
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︎ Dec 06 2018
I once had to play a psychopath in a play. I thought I could come across as crazy if I huffed a l load of women's body spray before I got on stage.
But in hindsight, I was just acting on Impulse.
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︎ Aug 06 2019
The apple asked the Pear: Do you want to Smoke this fruit? Come on youβll love it!
The pear responded: I will never succumb to your Pear-Pressure.
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︎ Jun 27 2019
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
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︎ Jan 12 2019
Spent $300 on a limo and it didn't even come with a driver.
After spending all that money, I've got nothing to chauffeur it.
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︎ Jul 31 2019
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldnβt have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
π︎ 36
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︎ Jun 11 2019
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