He sold his sole for rock'n'roll.
He needs Help.
I told her I can’t go for that.
I shall call it “Prose and Cons”
The Pelosiraptor
I've tried throwing them away but they keep coming back!
An Aggregator
I thought it would have counted as carrion.
It appears to be a crime of opera-tune-ity.
“Of course, it is all paper gains.”
All busses!
I thought it was a waist of time.
personally I find his hobby a bit pointless.
She almost left right away, as it was too many red flags
So far I’ve got:
Sandwich co (you can’t beat our meat) IT company (if you’ve got a Trojan we can help) Laundry service (dont press your luck) Organic shop (all we do is pot, and pull hoes) or (getting down and dirty with your hoes) Pet groomers (send your dog to pound town) Transport and travel [by plane] (we’ll get you high) Financial planner (saving lives, with your life savings) Bakery (fresh perky muffins in the front, soft buns in the back) Coffee shop (Mugging you at every corner)
Still looking for raunchy puns and double entendres for:
A Podcast/ music studio A Personal chef A Tour and travel agency A Health care company A Record studio A Game developer A Copyrighting co A Tailor A Garage/bike repair company A Clothing/hat maker A Personal trainer A Truck sharing (moving co) An Architecture bureau or real estate co An Illustrator A Pest control company A Wedding planner A Fishing and charter tour company A Liquor store
Help me out.
A stuck up, half witted, scruffy looking, Nerf hoarder.
For many years he collected all kinds of them. Red snails, green snails, blue snails, snails with conical shells, snails with circular shells, whatever he could find.
There was one type he didn't like however: snails with bumpy shells. The bumps just looked incredibly ugly to him.
As the years went by, he became known in various collector communities for being the Snail-Man. That's how he met his wife.
Unfortunately, while she also loved snails, she loved the ones with bumpy shells.
Despite this, they got along swimmingly. They were happily married for 45 years.
Eventually, his wife was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. A local newspaper decided to interview Snail-Man about his experiences collecting snails with his wife over the years.
"You and your wife were world-renowned snail collectors. You must be taking this loss pretty hard." the interviewer said.
"To be honest" he responded "I'm pretty relaxed about the whole situation."
Surprised the interviewer asked "why"?
"She liked bumpy snails, but now that she's gone it's all smooth snailing from here."
They're all Staind...
“No-one expects the Spam in this position.”
When I asked your mother if she'd seen it, she said "No, but I'll keep my eyes peeled for it".
This phenomenon is known as many-paws.
The shovel.
It turns out test tube babies can't grow up to be truckers. They're not Peterbuilt.
A dockworker at a grocery distribution center accidentally spilled curry powder on my leg. At least I know I'm a seasoned trucker.
I had a really annoying seal on the back of my trailer. Had to keep feeding it fish.
Bonus:
https://youtu.be/2cdWfgYSSFM
She collects them in her jar of farts.
When she found some loose coins in one of my pants.
She then told me come and collect my laundered money.
C'est la D vie D
One evening a big, rough, tough, gravel voiced Texan was travelling through a small town on his horse. He spots a local tavern and decides to get a drink. He ties his horse up, and heads inside.
He approaches the bar:
'Bartender! Get me a shot of your strongest whiskey'
He quickly knocks it back, and heads outside. When outside, his horse has gone. He storms back inside and announces to the punters:
'Listen up! I left my horse tied up outside not 5 minutes ago, and now she's gone. I'm gonna have 3 more shots of this here whiskey, and if she ain't back, I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas. And trust me, I do NOT want to do what I did in Texas. Bartender! Get me another whiskey!'
So he knocks it back, and heads outside to check. Still no sign of his horse.
'I'm warning you, 2 more drinks to go, and if my horse ain't back, I'm gonna have to do what I did in Texas. And believe me, I DO NOT want to have to do what I did in Texas.'
The punters sat there nervously, fearing what could happen if the horse doesn't turn up. He knocks another shot back and goes to check on his horse, but still no sign. He crashes back in to the tavern:
'This is your last chance. If my horse ain't there after this last drink, I'm gonna have to do what I did in Texas. And I repeat I DO NOT wanna have to do what I did in Texas. Bartender! Get me my last whiskey!'
So he sinks his last drink and heads outside. Much to the punters relief his horse is back! They all breather a collective sigh of relief.
As he's mounting his horse, one brave soul approaches him and ask 'Sir? If you don't mind me asking, what happened back in Texas?'
'Well son, back in Texas, when my horse went missing.... I had to walk home.'
He has no rock collection of it.
He had loco-motives
... speaks volumes.
A collection of physical dad-jokes (click the link).
They were free of charge
they're all in mint condition!
It's a mootual fund.
Personally, I don't know what he sees in them.
I feel betrayed.
Obviously, we need to start collecting as many eggcellent jokes about birds to annoy their teachers and my wife.
So far:
-
How do you find a bird in the alphabet? Look for the blue jay.
-
Why was a bird in jail? He was Robin a bank.
-
What kind of bird works in construction? A crane.
-
Where do birds like to go shopping? The Dollar store because it's cheep!
-
What do you call a self-aware bird? A super-eagle.
-
Why do pigeons like eating crumbs at the park? Because they're bread that way.
-
What kind of bird loves to bake? A dough dough!
-
What bird is terrible at hide and seek? A seagull!
-
What bird is great to go skydiving with? A parrot chute!
-
What's the best bird to go shopping with? A store-k.
Comic sans
The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’
Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.
The friar took them all up one at a time and handed them the hammer to hit the church bells with.
The muscular man grabbed the hammer in one hand, slammed it into the bell, and nearly shattered both with the force behind the swing. The friar said that they’ll have to keep looking.
The frail man could barley pick up the hammer. He swung it pitifully, and managed to ting the bell. The friar just shook his head and chuckled, thanking the man for coming.
The average sized man refused the hammer. Before the friar could question it, the man reared his head back and slammed it into the bell, producing a ring of such pure tone and quality it brought a tear to the friar’s eye. While he was wiping the tear from his face, the man, stumbling from the impact of skull to bell, accidentally tripped and fell off the bell tower to his death.
Well, the townsfolk had heard the beautiful bell, and a small crowd had gathered beneath the bell tower around the man’s body.
Collectively, they said “Who is he Friar? What happened?”
The friar shook his head sadly and said
“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell”
BUT IT ISN’T OVER CAUSE THEY STILL NEED A BELL RINGEE ROUND TWO KIDDOS HERE WE GO!!
So the next morning, when the friar opened the doors in the morning, a man approached him and said “Friar, you don’t know me, but the man who died yesterday was my brother. I’d be honored if you’d let me ring the bell today in his honor.”
The friar nodded and let the new man up the bell tower, handing him the hammer.
With a nightly swing, the man slammed the bell, producing again a high quality ringing tone. Unfortunately, he slipped while off balance and fell off the bell tower too and died.
Again, people were gathered around and they all asked as one “Who is he, Friar, what happened?”
The friar looked at them all in turn and said “I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother”
Personally I think his hobby is pointless!!
