Coffee And Tea Puns

Tea leaves

Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

Dr: "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the mug?"

Incontinental breakfast.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

We were doing a short video and he was post-editing. While figuring out what we needed to do for it, we came across something very interesting. He was drinking milk tea at the time:

Friend: OPPURTINITY! I love opportunities!! (sips drink)

Me: I prefer opportuni-coffee instead. It tastes better.

Friend: What?

Me: Opportuni-coffee. (points at drink) Opportuni-tea.

He almost spat his drink.

I have been avoiding the coffee at work as it has the same pH as battery acid and has been bugging my stomach. As such, I've been making tea as a pick-me-up in the morning. I was in the break room making my morning tea while a coworker was making some coffee.

Coworker: "So no coffee today?"

Me: "Nope. It's not really my cup of tea anymore. As opposed to this cup of tea, which is my cup of tea."

Commence groaning.

My girlfriend and I were getting coffee and tea at wawa.

Her- Do you like the Irish Cream? Me- yeah but not really with French vanilla coffee. Her- Why not? Me- it's just that I-rish it wasn't so sweet.

I realized what I had done and we had to go our separate ways.

So an under-age weasel waltzes into the local bar one fine Friday. He asks the bartender,

"HEY! Whatcha got to drink here?"

Bartender checks his ID, replies with,

"Well sir, since you're not quite old enough, here are your options:

We got tap water, seltzer water, apple juice, orange juice, milk, coffee, tea, and pop."

"POP! Goes the Weasel."

We were doing calculus in our math class, and when my teacher said “differentiate the function with respect to t,” I asked her if she really does respect t. Then she told me she respects tea more than she does coffee.

I love her.

Dad: we'll get a black coffee, a hot chocolate, and a green tea. Drive through attendant: would you like anything in the green tea? Dad: no, just green.

So i work in this small bar and last night an older looking couple come over to my section.

Man: "do you sell tea here"

Me: "Yes we do sir"

Man: "I'll have a coffee then please"

the look his wife gave him was fantastic

My dad doesn't like coffee all that much and drinks a lot of iced tea, something I inherited from him. Anytime we're in a restaurant, and he orders an iced tea, the waiter or waitress always asks, "Sweetened or unsweetened?" To which my Dad replies, "Unsweetened, I'm sweet enough already."