How do you cut a pizza without a pizza cutter?

You use Little Caesars.

πŸ‘︎ 276
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeIsBored78
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I made myself a pizza the other day, but I couldn't find my pizza cutter.

I had to use a Bryan Adams CD. It cuts like a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2021
🚨︎ report
It this sub dead?

There hasn't been a post all year!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTreelo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
🚨︎ report
Did you know that the ground at the coast often cannot support the weight of normal houses?

That's why they build lighthouses there.

πŸ‘︎ 132
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notBjoern
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Who guards the Samsung store ?

The Guardians of the Galaxy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2022
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the coast guard rescue the hippie?

Because he was too far out

πŸ‘︎ 121
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wookslayer69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is it hard for life guards to save hippies ?

they’re too far out

πŸ‘︎ 193
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MaCk_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tornado that hits the coast?

A Rollercoaster

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/3nxj
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a paper cutter?

Rock pay for scissors.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the female security guard fired from her job in Italy

Because it was easy to get pasta

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Psycho_Wolff
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2021
🚨︎ report
F for the guard
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Coast Guard say to the hippy?

You're to far out man!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4abcde
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.

I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FoldaHolda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day,

"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"

"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"

Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,

"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Not a problem boss"

"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.

Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,

"Dave! What's happening?"

"Great to see you!"

"Come on in for a beer!

Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.

"No, no, just name anyone else then"

Dave says.

"President Biden!"

His boss quickly retorts.

"Yup"

Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"

"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"

So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"

"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,

"Dave, what a surprise,it's great to see you again after all this time"

"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"

After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.

Dave again implores him to name another famous person.

After thinking about it for a long timethe boss replies with,

"The Pope!"

"Sure thing!"

Says Dave,

"I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.

Dave says,

"This will never work"

"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"

"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,

"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says,

"It was the final straw"

"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said, to me... "

"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orcamarine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2021
🚨︎ report
When the way out of a haunted forest is guarded by very large and angry insects

It is wise to take the lesser of two weevils

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2021
🚨︎ report
What was the name of the Knight who always caught King Arthur off guard?

SIR PRIZE!

πŸ‘︎ 134
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BARGOBLEN
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Did I tell you about my coworker that got his paycheck in the mail?

He opened the letter, and it was full of parsley. They had garnished his wages

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blood8265
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2022
🚨︎ report
I turned down the job offer of a security guard at a graveyard...

It was a horrorscope

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SiD_-_-_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the security guard at the haunted castle fired?

He never knew which witch to watch.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Keithninety
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Found this pie cutter at Goodwill
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bossthree02
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I've been partying around the Norwegian coast in my small hatchback

It was a Fjord Fiesta

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoAdenine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2021
🚨︎ report
As a security guard at a Rolex store, I would never let any thieves break in...

Not on my watch.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.

Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?

Me: the same as mommies, I think

Daughter: her middle name is just i think?

I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.

πŸ‘︎ 326
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/podolot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
On the coast yesterday, I met a guy who kept placing elongated round-bottomed cooking pans on the shore.

Apparently, he really likes long woks on the beach.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.

...It was Kief or Southernland

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I crossed the border into Mexico without much hassle. Crossing it a second time was fine too, but on the third time a guard stopped me and said β€œSorry

No tres passing.”

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is Greta Thornburg like an island off the east African coast?

She’s Mad at gas cars.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ktbrown1
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A man obsessed with trains finally steals one

and immediately crashes it, killing several people.

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he’s offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him.

The next day, he’s led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

There’s never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.

Within a week’s time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one.

He doesn’t care that he can’t drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people.

Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.

His last meal request is a single banana. When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.

The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.

His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death.

They ask him what he’d like for his last meal. β€œA single banana,” he says.

β€œOh, no you don’t, you son of a bitch. We’re on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you’re not escaping this time!”

The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.

The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

β€œDid you give him the banana?” demands the head guard.

β€œNo, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn’t give it to him, we swear!” says one of the guards.

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Soylent_Milk2021
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A couple of one liners, dad jokes, and anti-jokes I got from my stepdad.

1.) A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, β€˜Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

2.) I use mucho with my Spanish friends.... it means a lot to them.

3.) Q. Why does Michael J Fox make the finest milkshakes? A. He uses the finest ingredients

4.) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

5.) People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

6.) Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

7.) I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

8.) Q. What’s brown and sticky? A. A stick

9.) Q. What’s slippery and a foot long A. A slipper

I’ve got more but I don’t want this post to be too long so I’ll leave it at that. If I get enough upvotes I’ll call up my stepdad for more. Let me know which are you’re favourites.

πŸ‘︎ 754
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yogurt-Sandurz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Easily disappointed....
πŸ‘︎ 273
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My Stepdad was a Magician who lost his Magic and became a Guard instead

He’s my Guardian

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Justlikeyourmoma
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't think the coast is clear just yet
πŸ‘︎ 677
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsureyoudo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My buddy used to paint these beautiful beach scapes when he lived on the coast, but since he’s moved away, he won’t paint any more.

I guess he’s now an ex-cape-artist...

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Cooked a pizza tonight, didn’t have a pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD,

It cuts like a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/D9_CAT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Lost my pizza cutter, so.....

I used a Bryan Adams CD. It cuts like a knife

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kagiles530
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My pizza cutter broke so I used a Bryan Adam’s CD.

It cuts like a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call guards outside of a Samsung store?

Guardians of the galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PixelPeely
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD.

It cuts like a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 289
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the security guards that work for Samsung?

Guardians of the Galaxy

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Riley-Bieber
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I misplaced my pizza cutter so I had to use my Bryan Adams cd.

It cuts like a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CobaltD70
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD

It cuts like a knife

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ball-_-fondler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I couldn't find my pizza cutter last night, so I used an old Bryan Adams album.

Because it cuts like a knife.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShawntheShiba
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my pizza cutter last night...

so I used my Bryan Adams CD, it cuts like a knife

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I lost my pizza cutter so I had to use a Bryan Adams CD instead

In case anyone is wondering it cuts like a knife

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdolsa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss told me as a security guard my job is to watch the office.

I'm on season six so far, but not sure what it has to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thorazine222
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My pizza cutter broke the other day so I used an old Bryan Adams CD

Cuts like a knife!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/338geek
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.