It was some pretty good chore-eography.
He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner
He started clapping.
(Obligatory: actually happened today, my mom messaged me to complain about his bad joke. I thought it was fucking hilarious.)
Because his teammate is a little Messi
Thats the last time I use Tide
Wife: You've been on that thing all day. I can't believe all the plates,dishes and cups I had to clean up around the computer! But do you know what the worst thing I saw was?
Son: (very afraid) Ummm...what?
Wife: The dirty pitchers on your computer.
Dad - "Oh look, butterflies!"
Dad: I think it's too late for that.
Mom: Hey I am putting the gravy back in the jar if anyone is looking for it.
Me: Did you seal it tightly so it doesn't drip?
Mom: Yeah it should be good.
Me: Good I wouldn't want it to be ajar.
We were cleaning up and making sure all the toys were accounted for when I noticed the "L" block was missing from the pile.
Me: Anyone see the L block anywhere?
Husband and mother-in-law, after looking around a bit: No.
Me: I guess it got the "L" out of here.
Mother-in-law rolled her eyes and smirked. Husband left the room grumbling about me spending too much time in /r dadjokes.
"This is a Macbook Air not a Macbook Water."
We've been burning a lot of junk wood and had a huge pile of ashes. (Works better when you imagine it spoken out loud)
Me: What am I supposed to do with all these ashes?
Dad: Use them to catch a bear!
Me: what?
Dad: Well, you dig a big hole and put all the ashes in the bottom. Then you line the hole with peas. When the bear reaches for the peas, you kick him in the ash hole!
I told him his dad jokes are getting better.
My boss told me I had to clean up the mechanical room in the building I work in but I couldn't sweep the floor because of asbestos. I replied with, "I'll clean it asbestos I can."
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
Literature.
He uses Bounty [a paper towel brand in the US]
I'm very proud--my teenage son just came up with this one, though I see a few variations when searching through past dad jokes.
Sham Poo
We were maid for each other.
Rubbing his hands
A wrecked aisle dysfunction.
“Just clean it as-best-os you can.”
Source: my dad
They are their legal custodians.
I said, it's a periodic table. You cant use it right now.
A vacuum cleaner.
A ROMba
A Drake!
*Not my joke, I asked my Amazon Alexa to tell me a joke and this is what she said. This deserves some exposure imo :)
Because they can't see shit!
Kids were out in the yard cleaning up their dogs landmines with a scooper and putting it in a wheelbarrow.
Middle daughter (Pushing wheelbarrow) : Mom, it's like a cart for poops.
Wife : It's a shopping cart for doggie poops.
Me (Looks wife like shes lost her mind) : Jesus woman, HOW MUCH SHIT DID YOU BUY ?
Right over the kids' heads.
E* Spelling.
"What's wrong?" "I can see your Halo"
and I thought to myself, "oh kid urine trouble now".
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
- Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
- Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
- Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
- Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
- Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
- Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
- Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
- Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
- Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
- Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
- Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
- Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
- Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
- When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
- Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
- Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
- Always go straight home after work or school
- Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
- Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
- Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
...it's the dadliest catch.
But I'm cleaning up my act
With a vacuum cleaner.
