When God lights a cigarette....

Is it with a match made in Heaven ?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!

After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/digeratisensei
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them

So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalalPork97
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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I’m trying to smoke and ask Erik for a light: β€œWhen you take a cigarette out of your pack, it becomes a cigarette lighter.”

happy sunday pun-day

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onecupcoconut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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What does an angel use to light his cigarette?

A match made in heaven

What kind of cigarettes does he have?

Holy Smokes

πŸ‘︎ 225
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GIGA255
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
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Two men were on a boat and wanted to smoke but they didn't have anything to light their cigarettes.

So the they threw a cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glowaboga
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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Why is dark written with a K not a C?

Because you can't C in the dark

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Mechatronix
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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A man filling his car with gas, got some gas on his arm. He got in his car and lit a cigarette lighting his arm on fire. He flails around and other patrons help him put it out, just then 2 cops roll up...

They arrest him for waving a fire arm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormtrooper-85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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After being single for years, I finally found the perfect match online.

It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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A man at a petrol station. (Longish)

A man was a petrol station. He fills up his car but spills some on pertol his arm as he puts the pump away. He pays and leaves. As he drives away, he lights a cigarette and his arm on fire. He frantically waves his burning arm out the window and a police officer behind him pulls over and helps him put it out.

The man thanks him profusely. The officer says, "No problem but unfortunately I'll still have to charge you."

The man asks, "charge me? What for?"

The officer replies, "unregistered firearm."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigcammyward
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
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A man is filling up his car with gas and accidentally gets some on his hand...

He doesn’t notice it and when he gets into his car, he lights a cigarette.

His arm instantly catches on fire.

The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around, attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve.

A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot...for an unlicensed firearm.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
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My dad has the ultimate nerd jokes

3 guys are in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no way to light them. What do they do?
Throw 1 cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 664
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waker7281
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
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The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. β€œTim”, he said, β€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dendari
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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Just heard this one from a buddy

3 men are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them.

How did they light them?

They threw one overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wraithofhate
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2014
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