Wait, looks like the Christmas presents are singing...

Oh, they're covered in rapping paper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/p_vit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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My wife and kids told me to stop singing Christmas songs. They said 'It's March, save it for the one day it is Christmas!'

I said 'Oh... I wish it could be Christmas everyday.'

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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My wife kicked me out of the house because I'm still singing Christmas songs.

I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."

πŸ‘︎ 286
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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While out caroling one Christmas eve, Jeff & Don were tragically killed in the middle of singing "Deck the Halls". In a strange twist, they were reincarnated as ass-less leather chaps. Jeff looked at his friend and said...

..."Don, we now are gay apparel."

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbattoirOfDuty
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
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I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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What Christmas Carol do they sing in a psychiatric hospital?

Do you hear what I hear?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mymindisgone74
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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What do lightbulbs sing during Christmas?

Led it snow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samehamehaaa
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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What do angels sing during Christmas time?

No Hell, No Hell!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyCosmonaut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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What song did the bodybuilder sing at Christmas?

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the whey!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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Well, I decked the Halls today...

They kept coming over singing those damn Christmas carols. Bah humbug!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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My soon-to-be 6year old got me Good

So every night for the past almost 6 years I sing her the Sunshine Song

You know, "you are my Sunshine, my only sunshine."

And after a few years I got tired of it and would start songs from the nightmare before Christmas (because I'm a big elfman nerd) and Part of your world (because I'm completely obsessed with singing out of key chick verses and the little mermaid is dope af) but she would SCREAM anytime I started anything that wasn't the Sunshine song, I love this, so I go on for a couple bars while she's screaming then calm her down and sing the right song. To be fair, she likes the I'm On The Outside by boingo, so I belt that too. Although it's only acceptable in the car.

Now here I want to add that in the description of the event I will place a * where she interrupts me and the words immediately after that * will be her words.

Ok, so she's in bed just now and I said What song do you want me to sing?

Obvs sunshine dude.

So I start with the "look at this stuff, isn't it neat?"

And she's not screaming, she has a smile on her face so my mind is like "did she become ok with this, can I finally sing a different song than sunshine and eponas song?" So I keep going thinking that I finally won.

I get to the line, "Fliiping your fins, you won't get too **fart!"

I'm fucking dead this kid played me like a fiddle.

Someone call 911 I'm ded

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juksayer
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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My 3yo daughter is ready to be a dad...

My daughter was happily singing "We Wish you a Merry Christmas" in the bath, for 'tis the season. My wife returned home and from downstairs called "I can hear some beautiful singing from somewhere!"

Me: "Yes, I think we have a siren in the bath!"

Daughter, without skipping a beat: "Nee naa, nee naa, nee naa!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chibolamoo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2014
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Meet the Jack of all dadjokes!

I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.

So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.

After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

Woman: Are you freezing?

Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)

Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.

and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering a retirement home in a few days because he is getting to the point that it is hard to take care of himself anymore.

Oh boy, those nurses are in for a treat once Jack gets settled in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Happyazz84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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Dad got me while discussing Christmas music

Me: "Have you heard that song called 'Christmas Cookies'?"

Dad: "No, who sings it?"

Me: "George Strait."

Dad: "Is he related to George Crooked?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zora894
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
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I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jxwtf585
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jxwtf585
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.

It is my jingle bell rock.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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What Christmas Carol do you sing at a hospital?

The holly and the I.V.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nofrillsoculus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2015
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